So, this is just a random talking... Take it for whatever you like.
I was in a cab last night - going to Dreamweaver's 30th b-day party. Thinking bout how it had all gone so wrong - at least not the way I wanted. He will never be mine. He doesn't want me. He wants some other image - and I am not part of that collection, and will never be. It makes me think about Michael Rappaport's character in "Beautiful Girls". His obsession with supermodels destroys him for regular women. Can't compete with airbrushing. He even goes so far to name his dog Elle. Dreamweaver is the same sort of man. Wanting people who are out of his reach, not seeing people for what they are ... Wanting an image. Unlike the movie, where Rappaport's character realizes his error and his love for the less-than-supermodel looking girl, my guy won't see me for what I am. He won't even try it on for awhile. He will, on the other hand, realize that I am into him - and take liberties.
But of course, I am digressing away from my point of this entry. One last thing though, since I am already off topic.
Another of those wired moments happened again. I swear this is why I hung in there so long with this guy. Its these strange little occurrences that make me believe that somewhere someone is telling me not to give up on this guy and that there is hope. How many wired things can happen before it is just too much? I was talking about this new phone and how I will have to download all those expensive ring tones again. Cuz I seriously hate the ones that come with the phones. No one wants to have their personal ring tone to be something called "Fluid" - seriously.
Again, missing the point of even this sub story - sorry. Backtracking to the point now...
So I am rambling about how I have to get new ring tones. DW says that I should get a good one for him - and then he says " Slim Shady". Now - normally this would be funny - on account of his career choices in the past and such, but I sit there shocked. Are you serious? - Yes. Do you know that "Slim Shady" is the ring tone I gave you on my old phone? - No.
He would never have heard my phone ring when he is there... Why would he call. The only other person that has that ring tone on my phone is Loverboy... And he has never called when we are together. This guy has no idea that I even download songs.
How did he pick his exact song? When we have never even discussed my mind obsession with Em. All the songs on the planet ( 17 trillion) - and he picks his own song? What the fuck is that shit?
Us both having our favourite movie being the same obscure 90's flick? Well, that was just cool. Our mutual love of cheesecake and smart food? Really small things. The same taste in British Television - that no one else has really heard of? Well, things seems strange now... Then this. There are a myriad of other strange things that he says - that I swear were the next things out of my mouth.
Stop. We all know that I am not as into him as I was... And that I am distancing myself - for my own good. Then this happens ... And I am clawing desperately to not get dragged back in. Its hard folks ... Even with the new contenders in the ring. It is fucking hard.
Now onto my sad story.
I have done something bad. It isn't so bad that I will cry myself to sleep or anything nearly so dramatic. Yet I feel like I have made the wrong choice.
As I was getting out of that cab - on the way to the birthday party I don't want to go to - I do my last double take to make sure I haven't left a million dollars on the seat of the cab. And what do I spy - but a cellphone. So I grab it and close the door.
Here it is - the bad part. It isn't my phone. It is the phone of the cab's last fare. I know it wasn't my phone. And still I just grab it and close the door.
I am also going to keep it. I contemplated returning it. Since I know how to get the phone back to someone if it is lost. I have the inside track on getting information. Then I thought about how I was in the market to get a new phone anyways... And maybe this was a present from "someone" "somewhere".
It is a really really nice pretty phone. I have found wallets, purses and other phones in the past. I always returned them to someone somehow. This time I didn't really even think about it.
So far- only one person has suggested I return it. I would have typically been one of those people. Has my morality been compromised? Have I become the person I used to dislike. The unfriendly, cold person of the city?
I look at it now - and I love that phone. It is so pretty and sleek. It has a camera phone. My integrity is gone now. I am not the person I wanted to be. I don't think I ever will. This phone represents an uglier side of me that I don't like to see. I push that girl away.
I will probably lie when asked where I got it. I bought it from someone at work - that is what I will say. The 4 people that know the truth - I can't swear them to secrecy... I am sure that would be worse.
This is my issue. I am a shit person - and yet I know I am not going to correct this.
I do not deserve DW.
I am going to hell.
