Not so Easy Like Sunday Morning...

The Jerk has ruined me for a few days. Of course - I do appreciate his honest opinion... as I did ask for it. I just don't care for his opinion. It offers no hope. Although part of me does agree with him, but then there is that mushy romantic... waiting for him to show up with that ghetto blaster (is ghetto blaster a racist term> anyone? anyone?) a la Lloyd Dobler and show his naked side... Jared, not the Jerk... in case I confused.

Ok so the Jerk and I go for our therapeutic brunch as we typically do. We talk of things we don't normally speak of in mixed company. I feel it is probably one of the most pivotal rituals to our relationship. I can talk to him about whatever, and he is almost willing to talk about things that we not speak of. Today I selfishly talked about Jared Leto... as I am still all messy about Thursday night. And the subsequent phone call I received yesterday which causes me to believe it will be another "I don't know what you are talking about, that didn't happen" situation.

I tell the Jerk about the phone call.... Here is a quick replay:

Jared - "Ya, so what is the name of that place we go? Gabby's? I want to call and find out if they are playing the UFC fight"
Me - 'It's actually called Toby's and they are playing the fight"
J- 'Oh it's not a Gabbys.. you sure?'
Me - 'Ya, I am sure. I guess you are not coming to the Birthday Party?' (It's my best friends b-day)
J -' No, I doubt it... but say Happy Birthday.... PAUSE ....I gotta go.'
Me - 'um....ok...'
J - 'Bye.'

This is the entireity of our phone call... after the most intense night we spent together. No references... no "I really had a good time", no "hey when you want to go for your dinner" not even "we shouldn't drink so much"... nothing. Like the entire night never happened.

This leads me to believe he won't mention, or admit to any of that event occuring. Which means it is all for nothing... those were the best circumstances I could hope for... when will we be out again alone? Not like that.

Now for the Jerk's response... I ask him about the phone call ... and he just waves it all off. 'Doesn't matter ...' This is what he says.
Why Jerk?
'Cuz he is so broken, he doesn't even know what he wants... so how can he decide to do something? When he doesn't seem to even know if he wants it. Lost cause. Give up...'

And then he goes back to adding hot sauce to his eggs benny.

Then later he adds... 'your interest in him confuses me'... This is where I cut in... 'why cuz he doesn't look like that guy?' This is when I point to the hot bartender at Sneaky Dees where we are brunching. A lovely boy, mid- to late 20's ... Tall, thin - lanky really best describes him... Jerk ' Ya'.

Of course, this is when we both go on about Jared and how we both really like the guy in general. I briefy update Jerk on Jared's questions about Jerk... "How is he doing, is he ok" etc.

You see- Jared is onto a big secret that the Jerk has recently let me in on. Of course, this is not my forum to out my friend about something so personal or important... but due to circumstances... I have to let you in on it a bit.

Of the few times the three of us have hung out, Jared has become aware that something is off about my Jerk ... as he has been witness to two very distictly off situations... One was no big deal... but the other - well it made things obvious that there is something going on.
But being the man that I have come to crush on like no other in recent years, he doesn't straight up ask me ... he just always asks general questions.

So I have to update Jerk... cuz sooner or later a third incident will occur... and I will probably have to say something to stop Jared from talking about it in mixed company again. Though I do hope that this event will perhaps convince my Jerk to talk to people...

Enough of that...

So - here is my unrealistic hope based on this Phone call last night... He wants to say something, do something... just doesn't quite know how 'to get it done'. But he's gonna work on it... and we will have a fall wedding... in his team colours... and we will go to Poland for our honeymoon - maybe a stop over in Florida... depends on how much time I can get off work...

You like it? I do. That Jerk is jaded. Don't listen to him.

Cigarettes and Alcohol

I don't even know how to start this entry. My heart is beating a thousand miles a minute. I don't even know what just happened... but I know it happened. This is a drunken blog, I try to avoid it... but I can't this time.

I think there is hope. Where to begin?

Eagles of Death Metal?.... my cousin coming out? Chris the stranger who said he wanted to marry me? Or the subsequent love fest I just experienced.. that nearly proved fatal. I can't even believe that happened. What the fuck was that? Typing this out is the only thing that is stopping me from calling a cab and chasing that boy to his house.

I mean, he knows I love him... so why do that stuff. Jager... Jager makes dreams come true... don't even let anyone tell you otherwise. I am living proof - kinda.

It started innocently. He calls and wants to check out a band, and a good band. Only football is in the way... shocking really (note sarcasm). I say I will go, but meeting later will mean there is no show for us... but who am I? We arrange to meet 3 hours after the doors open for the show.

We arrive seperately - and I find out that the bouncer has sent away my desperate Jared Leto.
We go to another local.. only to discover that the Sultans of String are preforming... and it is a very romantic atmosphere.. Daaaaaaanger! Danger....

We go to a third Bar... that has football on the screen. We arrive just in time for Overtime to start... How long could that last?

The love fest begins... but it is fairly innocent. Lots of I like hanging out with you, I told my dad about you, we are solid you know that right? It's all good and it breaks down to discussing music and trying to figure out (so I just texted him now - sue me)... Clive Owen's name.

Jukebox love happens. I describe my Bryan Adams fetish... I don't care.. that guy screwed a princess... who can say that amongst us?
We have gotten a buzz on by this point - and then Chris finds us. Chris is a stranger who hears us arguing about 'Chinese Democracy'.
We are so entertained by him... he chills with us the rest of the night... telling me he will marry me... and that he doesn't trust Jared. It is all kinda interesting.
This is when I start to notice the touching the grabbing, the hugging.... the "more than usual" actions. Is it because of the drink? The mutual love of our friendship? The man who says he will marry me? Really I don't care... cuz I want it all so bad.

Fast forward to end of night... we make Chris hang out outside with us while we decide if we are going to go anywhere... of course this is dissipates into nothing... Chris leaves us... we decide to go home... only Jared says lets go back to his house. I says I would but only if I have the cash to get home. This is when he says there will be no going home until tomorrow....
Of course I agree...

The cab ride... we get in... he says his address... I am impressed that he is actually going to do this... being the ultimate freak-out and back-out guy. We get to my cross street and he asks me if I am sure.... now I know he is starting to freak out at the idea of me sleeping at his place...I say sure I will go home and direct cab driver... Jared asks me if I am mad.... I just say I want to not end the night yet.
We get to my place... I go to get out my door.. but he won't have it. He wants me to get out on his side... grabs my hand and gets out with me...

This is when he reminds me of "dinner" again. Then he hugs me ... there are some nice words...

Then he is just staring at me... while i stand in from of him. I get a little uncomfortable...cuz all I know is this is where we are supposed to kiss. The moment is there.... I wait....
he comes in again and hugs me again. And asks me if I am going to be OK.... keep in mind... I am fine. By the way..he doesn't even blink... it's like a movie... but i can't bare to make it happen.
I say yes... and say... just pay the cab and come on.... the hug is solid. Makes me a little shaky.

Then he is gone. I am home. I know that something almost happened... if I hadn't looked away all freaked out... if I hadn't let him bail on my going to his place....

Something.

Damn that full moon!!!

Nutshell

Spent an easy day at home... making pasta sauce and doing laundry. Daylight savings has truly motivated me it seems. All remnants of the party of Friday night are essentially gone. The house is back to normal after days of pure mayhem and disorder... not that I mind it in that condition. Its the condition of my mind that I am more concerned about.

Life has become difficult in 2008. It gets harder and harder to avoid the pressure and subsequent loneliness that comes with it. The boys have always been a great temporary distraction from the reality that my life has become.

Haven't spent any time with boys in some time now... more than 2 months. Not for a shortage of opportunities or anything like that... as every week there is a new one popping up that seems decent enough... but they just don't seem to hold my interest to even meet them. They just seem to pale in comparison to my dream of what could be with Mr. Leto. I know that spending all this time with him has come be detrimental to my psyche... but I adore spending the time with him... getting a chance to smell him... to bond. I know he feels it too... he calls me... he never did that before.. and I know he listens to my opinions and comes back to talk about them again... and he went out and bought an album of a group I recommended... and fell in love with it...It's the small things that are building. I wish he could just cross the line a little with me...

I know that spending more time with him won't make him find me attractive to pursue. I just hope that it does. He recently told me about how he went out west and gushed to his friends about my awesomeness. How he wished we all could hang out, and all have a good time together... he admits this is his selfish thought. I like the idea. Just for different reasons.... that fact that he wants me to meet his close friends means something of such great value... more than sex could ever offer, even from him.

Talking to him after the party was winding down, him asking me personal questions ... it just endears me more to him. Cuz now, its different... in that he cares and wants to know about me. Even if it is just out of pure friendship and nothing more - it feels great and I want it all. I want all I can have... and this is the detriment... as nothing else seems as satisfying in my daily life.

I know I sound lame and nothing but bad can come from this... but for those tender private moments of pure connection - I might be willing to wait in vain for a long long time.