Some things never change....

Well, I am not , yet again, flip flopping on the Dreamweaver issue. I will admit that I still have some feelings concerning him. I can't just turn them off at will as I wished I could. But my affections have waned a bit. I have even gone so far as to set up another event with another boy.

Of course, this is a nearly futile practice. I don't really want this new boy. "The best way to get over a boy, is to get under the next boy" is the saying that is most applicable. I did get his number, and he is very much interested in getting together and "let the chips fall where they may". I have had said number for about a week now.
I look at it at least twice a day, and don't call it. I have called Dreamweaver once in this same timeframe.

I haven't been calling Dreamweaver (DW) as much at all. I know that he noticed as he called me ( for the first time ever). He said it was to talk about that damn book "Million Little Pieces" and how the author is the talk of the town over some creative liberties taken in his memoirs. Who really cares as it is a great book anyways. Aside from this - DW didn't have much to say, and was gone in a matter of a minute or so. I also suspect that he was high.... So of course I wasn't impressed and thought I had made the right choice on the distance. All the same- I was pleased that he had called me.
I went along my daily life. Didn't call. Tried not to think. Friday arrives.
Mutual Friend invites me to a card night at his place. The new mainstay of Fridays. I went, under the impression that DW wasn't going to be going ... I asked before hand. Of course though, Bookworm was going to show. Which is fine. He is a nice guy and all that. But Guess what? I bet you will never guess.
DW shows up an hour after me. A surprise drop it seems.
I try to be quiet, because I am mad at him for the incident of the last blog entry, but this isn't the time or place, and I don't even know if I care enough to talk about it.
Well, he must of noticed that I was silent. After some time, he gets up and announces that he is having a smoke ( we have to go out on the patio for smoking of anything that isn't pot - go figure). He goes to the door, puts his shoes on... I sit there... Not sure if I want to be alone, because I can't stop my tongue. They he says " aren't you coming, insert name here".
I went.
He made small talk .... I was standoffish. Then I started.
He seemed very receptive to my words. I said it wasn't cool to just leave on me there. And to leave and go and do what he did. I just didn't think that was cool at all. He said that is was fair, and that he appreciated my concerns. And that maybe he should take a break because he was slipping into bad habits again.

The rest of the night went well, he was being super nice to me all night. Joking around and being all good guy with me. It was nice. I am not convinced that all is well. As I am a realist and somethings you can't just turn off when you want to.

I did talk to him this week. He called, and asked me for drinks. It wasn't for a specific day, just when he is in the neighbourhood. I wait and will see what happens.

Much like my life. Waiting in vain....

The Dreamweaver is a Nightmare

I have officially changed my position on this boy. Dreamweaver is not the special boy who will understand me like no other, who will love me for my flaws, and apparently not the special boy who will stop killing himself with drugs for me.... So now I must move on.
There are few things that I am not willing to overlook... And now there are just too many things. I see how he fawns over that Girl ( strawberry shortcake) - he doesn't even see how he isn't going to get the chance with her. I feel bad - because I obviously can empathize. As an aside though, she now knows that I am interested in him ( or was) and has become friendlier with me ... I think I solve her problem.

The other issue at hand is the drugs. I now see that he is not over his copious amounts of drugs stage.

He came over for dinner and TV night. Supposed to be our recovery night from the holidays and all that. He wanted to leave after to go to a bar- the Buddhist was leaving the country for awhile... Etc.. I wasn't too hot on the idea. He totally convinced me, even said that we could go to "jungle party" afterwards... I thought this was a good sign. Then he started talking about a drug night. Justifying to himself that he had been super good over the holidays. I was kind into it... I figure it really won't be anything but small potatoes... Silly me.

We go the the bar and all is well, he buys me a drink... We talk to people... It was cool to arrive together and all that stuff. Then not even 15 minutes later he is getting his coat on - and I hear him talking to our mutual friend about going to pick up and is he in...Etc...
He leaves without a good bye.

And then doesn't return to the bar. At all.

He calls the mutual ( two hours later) and invites him to a little party of two at his place. He went and picked up and went home... To do drugs alone ... This is trouble my friends.

In a strange twist of events, my roommate friend calls me for a hook up for drugs ( which never ever happens to me anymore - on account I am a very good girl now).
Of course, we know where to go... And sure enough. Dreamweaver is willing to accommodate.

We go to his house. It is a crazy scene. All the other roommates are sitting in the living room, on there wacked out miss matched furniture and their dirty kitchen. Dreamweaver?, he is in his room, alone, doing lines and playing video games by himself. He is all covert so no one knows what he is doing in there ( whatever)

We stay for maybe a half an hour. They play some video games, and our host is offering up so treats while waiting around. It completely gets all Kate Moss and suddenly I am consuming my average night consumption in a 15 minute period. At no point does he even suggest that he just fucked off. He did mention how dinner was great... Too little too late. I wonder if he even knows that he hurt my feelings.

Needless to say. I am now pissed ( at being ditched for drugs) and a little disgusted at the truth that I saw. He was sad to me. I see now how awful drugs can really be. I knew he was trying to change his ways, but it is hard. I know he doesn't have the support he needs around him. .. But I can't put my life in hold for him. That will never work out ... I know this .

It makes me sad though, I really genuinely felt a connection that I hadn't felt in years. It was nice. To feel like I was part of something so intense.

But I think I have to pass on this one. I will talk to him, even be friends. He is in the circle after all.

That is the story. This sucks.