Going ON a Road Trip

I am going home to the little teeny tiny town I was raised in.  Lord help me.  10 days in the country.  Oh well it could be worse.  I could be working!! Vacation time is here.
SO I am staying with the Miner.  It should be a good visit.  He is off for most of it!  Gay boys are coming with me.  So at least I won't be bored.  I am nervous.. cuz this is the visit where I try to discover what is going on with him.  All his beggings for me to move back, all his niceties.  Lets just see if he wants me to save him, or just to save him from boredom. 

Loverboy is nearly gone.  A distant memory.  haven't seen him in weeks.  Haven't spoken in a long time too - It seems I was just convenient.  I am saddened that he doesn't care at all.  I know he is trying to get a life going.  And this is just what people talk about when their friends disappear after they find new love.  But really - I don't want to go out drinking and all that.  Why can't we still have little coffee moments?  I hate this part of it.  I am so bitter.

Big boy is also getting thrilled about the visit.  But i don't think we will continue our 15 year sex relations.  I don't feel like competing with one of the fags.  And I already know that is going to be the way it is.  Really - so crazy.

Road trips make me happy and crazy all at once.

Ah Life is picking up...

Things have been busy.  The new job.  The working extra.  The parties.  NO BOYS though.  Sadly.  How can I update you?  Been to a concert, a fundraiser party, a club night.  Oh i know... I was at this club in yorkville and the bar below was closed for a private stag.  All was good until some trouble started... boys will be boys.  Apprently it got way outta control. Cops galore, EMS, ambulance, firetrucks... the whole bit.  All the while the fags danced the night away upstairs.  Good times. 
 
No news on the boys at all.  Haven't seen or heard from them.  i guess that is about it. 
 

Things are looking up....

Finally went and saw Farenheit 911. IT wasn't as fantastic I had hoped. But it certainly has a message. I went with Loverboy. He was in a good mood and stayed for the whole movie ( I did have to warn him that I wouldn't leave if he chose to). IT was nice. We walked home and stopped off for a 'dog with Ben Kerr. Something about sitting at Yonge and Bloor. We two have done it many times.... I love to just sit there on the steps and enjoy it. He talked incessantly about his girl - which was annoying as hell - but really - I have done the same in the past to him - It is only fair. She wants to meet me - how wonderful :( I don't know if I trust myself in that situation. I am surprised that Loverboy has. But then again - she has to meet someone from his life right? She knows his roomate. THat is it. I am a better option than the parents and sister.

I do have some interesting facts that I have noticed as well and feel it is time to note them now:

He said I was being rude lately to him. I said that I was more than polite and unintrussive - I barely call or invade. I think he just wanted to get a rise outta me. Point For Nice lady.

He called me today (twice) and talked for hours ( not about the girl either).
He told me that she had changed her schedule last week so that they have the same days off. He didn't necessarily sound too pleased about it. Now is sex party time though -so it isn't really an issue yet. But if I know one thing - I know that loverboy treasures his alone time. This may be an issue. He also has eluded to the fact that she is really reallly into him. Like really - she has whispered "i love yous' into his hair. After 3 weeks.

Today he asked me why I don't call him anymore. (BINGO - we have a hit folks). I said why bother if I know you won't answer if you are with your girl. And you barely call me back. He immediately told me that he was in the shower the last time I called him ( as if he knew when it was - I had even forgotten). I asked why he didn't call me back at all - and he said he was abusy ( aka fucking like a bastard).

He talked about moving to Newfoundland because she is from there - I said that seemed quick - and would he really move there? Sucha city boy he is. He shot back immediately about how I was going to move to Timmins. ( the miner is a sore spot). I said " does this mean that if I don't move to timmins - you won't?? his answer was vague ( what a fucking surprise)

SO that is what is going on this week. Very interesting. I think that the sex thing is wearing off. I wonder if they have things to actually talk about. I know the romance thing is good - but only for so long.

I know this sounds like I am still living in the pipe dream.. and I am not. I just take pleasure in the fact that he misses me. He hasn't missed me in a long long time. Who knew this is how it was going to happen.

He called me sweetness....

Sunday. Great day to do nothing but fart around the house. Swimming and tanning... all good things. Haven't heard from loverboy in days. I wonder if he is going to ditch me or not tomorrow. I sure will be pissed if he does. It has occured to me that I don't really miss him as much as i thought I would. But really - that's not me putting on a brave face. I guess maybe I just thought it was meant to be. What a waste of time - when will I learn that? MOving on...
The miner and I chatted today. Yesterday was his birthday and he is not feeling too good. He got toasted and passed out - they put some goo in his hair. Poor bastard. We talked about my trip to the north to see him. He started to get into the " you should move back " conversation - but we decided he was too weak to try that today - plus I will be there in a couple weeks ( yahoo!!)....
CRAZY COUPLE WEEKS COMING. Going to the Madonna Reinvention Ball - a Casey house event. I am working the door - helping out is good. Then there are concerts - Scissor sisters, Bryan Adams and The Cure. Thinking about getting tickets for Annie Lennox for B.O. - he would love them - but they are quite costly.


SO much to do.. and i still haven't done the laundry. Ciao.

The slowest week ever...

SO I figure someone is playing a cruel joke on me by adding 3 extra days into this week. I cannot believe how long this Friday has taken to come. At least it seems that I have been smoking much less than previous weeks. Lets see if we can keep that trend up.
Loverboy called today. He seemed more his typical self. We talked for a bit - he asked me if I was excited to go out on Monday. WHat the hell was that? Should I be excited to go to a movie with him? WTF? I felt kinda played while he talked about that. I mentioned that until that day comes... I doubt he will show. I think that if his girl cancels work or something comes up with her... he won't come with me. Let me down once again. I think he likes doing that. Screwing with me. I almost thought of cancelling.. but really who would i go see the movie with?
(ok. I want to go see it with him... we all know that) WHY else did i ask him? Today I am bitter and selfish. FUck it all to hell I say.

Still no word from the Miner. Something is definitely up with that.

I did though - receive a call from BIGBOY> haven't talked to him in a long long time. I don't like that he is talking about coming down to visit before I return up north. I know i don't love him or anything like that. I don't even think that I want to continue a sexual relationship with him - 12 years of meaningless sex was more than enough. Besides I don't want a move in lover. He is such the move in boy. Too bad... if only he would want something better for his life. He just wants nothing to better his life. Who the hell doesn't work for 10 years? Who ? I just don't understand it at all. I guess he just hasn't found something to make it all better? who knows?

Things are moving along.... barely

Talked to loverboy the other day. It is changing already. I thought it could work on this friend level.. but I don't think it can.
We talked and it was a little awkward. I don't know what to say - don't want to be rude about his girlfriend - that is unfair.
But then i recognized a bit of an angry tone with him. He seems to see something in my words as trouble and he gets defensive.
I am trying to be a good friend and not a jealous girl. And that is Fucking Hard. I don't talk aobut how he doesn't call me or hang out with me as much as he did weeks ago. I know the deal with that. Sex makes a boy stay close to home.
I listen to all he wants to say. I know that it is an us and them thing. Only I used to be an Us and now I am a Them. I wish i could just go out and find a boy to love to replace Loverboy. But it just isn't going to happen. I see that.

I just wish I could call him when I have a nightmare. He used to be the one to sooth me through the rough night. Now I can't do that. I have to rearrange my whole life and on top of it ... rearrange without a major factor.

I know that the Miner isn't going to be the solution. I don't feel the love for him that I so desperately wish I did. It would be so easy. Move back, be a miner's wife and volunteer with the aids Committee. Sex all the time, master my mom's spaghetti sauce. Reconnect with the Family I left behind so long ago. Take care of a beautiful and sad man who needs me so much.

Oh well, at least I aint sick .. .right?

Trying not to be jealous

OK so here is my problem. I am not sad that Loverboy has gone off and found another. I am sad cuz he didn't find me. I know it is true. I don't even know that I miss him so much anymore. It is mostly me avoiding calls and not making plans. He is attempting to maintain the friendship and I have been avoiding it. I think it is better this way for now. I can't be rude to him over this . I had my chance and blew it.
I do feel the need to go out and find a boy of my own though. I don't even think I need to be atracted him. Just need to fill the void.

I called the miner to get his post office box number to send him a card. he didn't want me to send it. said that I could bring whatever when I come. IT was kinda odd. I know we just butt heads too much. Oh as if Alphaville just came on the itunes. That was our little song for years.

I am so messy. Looking for meaning in any coincidental thing that happens. I should just call the newfoundlander and have a go at it with him. Really. 22 yrs old. Can't go wrong with that. But i just know that I don't want him. I would just waste him for others... shameful cougar ways and all...

Canada Day

Well.. this my second time writing this blog entry. on acount that i dont know how to publish and i lost it all. dammit.

I spoke about my loverboy. And how he has found himself a girlfriend. I can't believe it. I can't believe how i screwed that up. I could have at least tried to move it beyond the FRIEND level. But now that is all gone... she is nice and he is fantastic. So they may well be together. I have no excuse. I would never have gotten him. not the boy for me obviously.

Of course now this means i cant just not date .... there is no boy for me to pine for silently. I could call the newfie boy I met last week. he was nice enough - so young. So wrong. But at least it is a cheap way to get out there. Then i can move onto the other objects of my affection. LIke fraud boy. He is the newest prize that i can see. he is cute and smart and awkward. yet always happy. can't go wrong with this. Loverboy was miserable all the time... that got dull.

Pride Toronto

Another Pride Toronto is upon us. For anyone who is unaware - Pride Toronto is a huige gay event that takes over toronto. People from all over the world come to Toronto for the weekend and take over. They close down Church Street for the weekend and everyone goes insane for 72 hours. So far it has been good - I offered to work the door any my friends Club event ( see shanepercy.com). There was a poor turn out - only about a 100 people showed.. but people are hard to get to leave the gay villiage on pride weekend. I stayed after I got done working and believe it or not... I found a straight boy who had wandered in by accident. He was cute and very young. Only 22... hence why i didn't go back to his house with him. Sweet boy from Newfoundland. I did exchange numbers with him...he said he wants to learn about Toronto.... we shall see if I have anything to show him ( OR teach him). TOday is the party at the coach house - I am providing jello shooters... we shall see how this days goes. Happy Pride folks...

previous release.... June 17

Well here is the life in the big city.
Sitting at home. Can't think of a thing to do. I could go watch some guy paint his condo. OR go to a movie alone. But neither seem like any fun at all. This seems to be the problem. Nothing seems fun at all. I have lived in toronto for nearly ten years. And it is now that Toronto has run its course. Admitting it is the first step.
Now the hard part starts. What to do now? Do I stay here and have a borish life? I see my co-worker ( who is 11 years my senior) and i don't think I can have her life. I see how easy it is to slip into her life. NOthing going on but the Sunday visits to her dad's and trips with her cousins. I don't have any cousins to travel with and my dad? well I don't think he should be the number one focus of my life. It just doesn't seem right ....

So do I move to bigger and better things? Do I start fresh in a new Town? I know that I don't want to move to a new apartment here.. I have a pool and a nice view. Why - what is better? A new job? I like my employer and job. I don't think i could do better.

Do I start fresh in a new Town? Start from square one? Hell i barely survived my move with a suitcase to TOronto game. I am not wanting to do that.

SO that leaves one small small home town to go back to. I swore that I would never go back there again. But as I look at what makes me happy. That town is the best thing I can think of. housing is Cheap. I could own rather simply. I have friends and family who love me. I could fill up my time rather easily - I think.

What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a decent job? what if my Cat hates it there.

These are the quewstions that plague me. Surely someone has some advice for me.... please please help me out.... advise me on your moves. your thoughts.

Times like these

Well, it sseems that sleep will be an impossibility tonight. Even the old trick of touching myself in dirty ways on the balcony floor hasn't helped. Things on my mind.. twisting and turning everything inside and out. I have no idea of where I am to go now. I see that the last straw has fallen on the wrong camels back. I have seen my last easy guy go off and get a different girl... who could blame him... nothing had happened to us in 6 or 7 years. How long can a poor boy suffer in silence? IT is quite unfortunate that I outlasted even him... he is a great boy. I guess it wasn't meant to be ( why do people have to justify losses by saying this? I dont understand it.. but might as well join them....)
I just seem so lost. I don't know why I am like this. I don't think that I am that different. Sure.. I am not the prettiest.. but I am by no means a bitch. I have skills and entertainment value... Yet no one seems to love me more than words. Maybe because I don't love anything more than words? Do i have to show love and take the loss when it isn't reciprocated? How many times before I get a hit?

They say that when you aren't looking - you will find it. What does this mean? Do I give up and get 5 more cats? move to the country? How can I stop looking. Love is the end all... be all of everything. Everyone knows it and everyone looks for it. And recently I have discovered that I am the only one left now.

I know I am not really alone on lonely street - but it sure as hell feeels like it. I don't really know of anyone else with such shit luck.

I WANT LOVE and taht is that.

The end of an Era

So it is a Tuesday night and I have come to the saddening conclusion that I am the most boring girl in this city. I have no one to blame. I just don't take advantage of anything it seems.
I just don't know what to do and with whom. I have grown tired of going to gay bars with my gay boy friends. My girlfriends are all in long term relationships. I guess that is my issue. I need a long term relationship.. or at least several short term ones... Things are always better when you do it with someone you like.... Otherwise. I have nothing new to say.. except the new beatie boys album is really growing on me. Some tracks are way out there... but i still here the old beaties sound breaking thru the beats.

Toronto

Well... Today is 15 degrees( it feels colder)... yesterday was 32 with a smog watch. I don't know why people say global warming is destroying the earth!

I have started this blog to just talk to people and myself... all at the same time. I have come to a crossroads in my life and i no longer can deny the life i have built for myself. Deny myself of more. I just am partially unsure where to go with it all. I am hoping people will have personal stories or insights to help me along the way.

We shall see how that works out.

Lates.
Seashan