Things I have recently spent a lot of time in my mind lately ( January is the Cruelest of months):
1. My cat needs a condo - he needs a cozier place to grow old gracefully. If I am a happy home owner, then it makes sense that he will be happier. Not besmirching my roommate. I adore living with that guy... even if I am hiding in my room right now, while he puts his moves on his date. Stupid guy from the coffee shop. :)
2. I need a new job to enjoy. I am so miserable right now. Seriously - I am making everyone pay. Especially that bloodless busybody who sits beside me. I truly do no like her. She is so annoying and I can't help but plot her last days here at the company. I dream of her quitting, transferring or just plain forgets how to get into the building. Why don't they build a sudoko big enough that she forgets to come to work for 4 months trying to figure it out. Hate her.
3. I don't have enough saved for my retirement, which means I will be a poverty stricken older fat lady at McDonald's. I recently saw a woman there ( don't ask me why I was at this particular food establishment, certainly not eating a deathly meal... or I mean Happy Meal.) It was too late for breakfast but still she rushed the counter and asked if she could still get a bacon mcmuffin. Calmly asked and seemed politely asking... until she was ever so politely told that it was way past the deadline. She started to shake and kind of yelled. But Yell isn't the right world. It was like she was attempting to stop her outburst as it was happening. She quickly turned and went to the window and continued to kinda shake and cry out for a minute or two. It was like watching a demon attempting to break free... only it was just this lady who was in her fifties...
She composed herself and left the restaurant all together. No food. The demon demanded breakfast and no more.
I am not making fun of the fact that she obviously has some sort of neurosis or tourette's or schizophrenia. I wasn't afraid at this outburst and I felt my cynical soul go out to her - people must yell rude things or stare at her all the time. She must be aware of her situation. She was fighting to control it so much - it was obvious.
I don't know what I would do if afflicted with such a condition. I know we are supposed to want to live forever and persevere and be an inspiration to all the assholes who have all their sense still... but I am too selfish a person to do that. I would eventually decide it was time to get out... and I would.
'Course maybe not. I don't know because I am not in the thick of it.
I just keep thinking about how lonely she must be. Alone. Fucked up. Alone.
Breaks my heart to think about it.
1.24.2007
1.03.2007
postasecret.com
I think the reason I love my weekly visit to this site - is that you get to see that you are not alone. I like the idea that I am not sad, happy, hardup, wacky alone. There are millions of your bastards out there, and I thank you for it.
I like the idea of being reminded that people have secrets. Some are simple... they steal empty bottles, they like to bleed for pleasure, they want to hurt puppies, but don't.
Others are truly deep horrible secrets. And people tell the world their secrets, because telling the people around them, friends, family and co-workers - would taint the secrets.
People take for granted the opportunity to say what they feel without reprisal. I have found myself talking to people who think Blogs are stupid. That too much of their secrets are out there already, and they want to remain with some sense of anonymity. Fuck that I say.
I want this forum... I want to tell you all... I do wierd things to my apartment when my roommate is away. ( Don't be Scared BL - it is all good times ( or is it?))
I like to tell you people my version of what matters... It just makes me feel more. Sometimes it is hard to feel anything at all. I know by putting my stuff up here - no matter how mundane and stupid - I am revealing parts of me that I hide every day.
Bless the Blog. Just don't let God Bless this Blog... cuz that would just tick me off!
I like the idea of being reminded that people have secrets. Some are simple... they steal empty bottles, they like to bleed for pleasure, they want to hurt puppies, but don't.
Others are truly deep horrible secrets. And people tell the world their secrets, because telling the people around them, friends, family and co-workers - would taint the secrets.
People take for granted the opportunity to say what they feel without reprisal. I have found myself talking to people who think Blogs are stupid. That too much of their secrets are out there already, and they want to remain with some sense of anonymity. Fuck that I say.
I want this forum... I want to tell you all... I do wierd things to my apartment when my roommate is away. ( Don't be Scared BL - it is all good times ( or is it?))
I like to tell you people my version of what matters... It just makes me feel more. Sometimes it is hard to feel anything at all. I know by putting my stuff up here - no matter how mundane and stupid - I am revealing parts of me that I hide every day.
Bless the Blog. Just don't let God Bless this Blog... cuz that would just tick me off!
1.01.2007
Hello 2007... nice to see you
Happy New Year!
I have no resolutions, just in case you thought to ask. I don't necessarily have things I don't want to improve... just don't need to make rules for them. I know what needs to get done.. same as it was a month ago, a new year isn't a clean slate to me... life is totally a work in progress for me.
I have had a chance to think over 2006 in general though. It wasn't a bad year for me - at least not worse than previous years... 2003 blew, and so did 2004. I don't think I minded 2005 too much, got a clue of what I wanted somewhat... which is always good. This last year started off a little rough, and I had some slumps along the way, you have read about a few... and there were others, I just don't think I worry as much as before about the small stuff.
Those last few days of 2006 were crazy though. Everyone else seems to be having a rough time right now. My uncle has been completely loony lately. His live in girl friend and his live in wife (oh he sure is something) had a brawl on Boxing day... taking the holiday's name a little two literally. Threw the whole family into a tizzy. I don't see why everyone gets so upset about it, it only motivates the man child to find new ways to act out and get stupid attention. Family, they sure can be entertaining, but you can never leave after the show ends.
I went out on New Years' Eve Eve with BL's ex. I thought it would be a good time, we have a lot of bad blood - but in recent months, thought it might have changed. And for the first part of the night, I thought that it had finally had.
Now I wasn't completely fooled, I have heard the stories, the drugs, the seizures, the outbursts over stupid things. I knew he had been messy, but sometimes the stories are greater than the truth, besides its me, we can have fun for a few hours - I don't poke and prod things too much most of the time.
We met for drinks at a bar in Gay Village. It was nice, I tried not to pay attention to his need to go out of his way to hug and chat up the staff he knew there. I know he wants you to know he is important, it is his thing, so I don't really pay much attention and listen to his name dropping stories about songstresses texting him for dating advise. Whatever, we all need to 'bigup' once and a while.
We went back to his place for a quick drink and a little something something. We have a great talk and catch up on work and life and the holidays... I am really actually enjoying myself.
I convince him to go to that bar where the boy told me I was hot - just to see if he was around. A small adventure to keep our night fun. Turns out my friend is not there, but there is this great Irish band playing.
What a little great pub this bar turns out to be... a tonne of Toronto Irish around... gotta love that drunken accent. It gets messy and people are jumping on stage to sing with them... crazy fun times. We do shooters and drink the bar closed.
This is when the fun stops. We cab it back to his loft again... drinks and more drinks. Little of the business flowing as well.
Then my friend decides he is going to take a potent chemical cocktail. I politely decline the idea - never done that one - and I don't think I will either. Of course, even at 330am, this doesn't deter my friend at all.
Too bad that he doesn't realize this drug makes him react differently to me... after a while, he just starts being belligerent towards me and accusatory. At one point, I realize that I acting as a surrogate to my roommate for this man. He is just going on and on about how if could have been different, and how if he had been nice, he could have broken up with him at a different time... etc.
Really it is a lot of bullshit. It is just obvious that he is still sad and not over this huge break up. It makes me sad, because he just doesn't see that his method of repairing the damage isn't making it better for him.
Now, I have a lot of patience for people, especially when I care for them, so I sit there and take it for awhile. I attempt to change topics a few times, but it just comes back to the same thing, and then he starts on about the Puppet master bullshit again. I truly believe that he believes that i helped to coerce BL out of this train wreck of a relationship. He just doesn't get that drugs were the problem simply because they both DID NOT like how he changed after going hard core. It has to be more, I had to do it. Just a silly notion really.
It just came to a point when I just said "ok I have to leave now". It just wasn't fun anymore, and hadn't been for a two hour period. Pretty much as soon as the drug took effect.
Too bad. I really enjoyed his friendship... but I represent everything that went wrong for this man. And that isn't going to change for a long time I suspect.
He did send some text messages after I left for the next day... just half assed apologies and a few more accusatory tones.
What can you do? I know - stick to the plan of non contact and try again next year... oh wait... this year. Just later on!
I have no resolutions, just in case you thought to ask. I don't necessarily have things I don't want to improve... just don't need to make rules for them. I know what needs to get done.. same as it was a month ago, a new year isn't a clean slate to me... life is totally a work in progress for me.
I have had a chance to think over 2006 in general though. It wasn't a bad year for me - at least not worse than previous years... 2003 blew, and so did 2004. I don't think I minded 2005 too much, got a clue of what I wanted somewhat... which is always good. This last year started off a little rough, and I had some slumps along the way, you have read about a few... and there were others, I just don't think I worry as much as before about the small stuff.
Those last few days of 2006 were crazy though. Everyone else seems to be having a rough time right now. My uncle has been completely loony lately. His live in girl friend and his live in wife (oh he sure is something) had a brawl on Boxing day... taking the holiday's name a little two literally. Threw the whole family into a tizzy. I don't see why everyone gets so upset about it, it only motivates the man child to find new ways to act out and get stupid attention. Family, they sure can be entertaining, but you can never leave after the show ends.
I went out on New Years' Eve Eve with BL's ex. I thought it would be a good time, we have a lot of bad blood - but in recent months, thought it might have changed. And for the first part of the night, I thought that it had finally had.
Now I wasn't completely fooled, I have heard the stories, the drugs, the seizures, the outbursts over stupid things. I knew he had been messy, but sometimes the stories are greater than the truth, besides its me, we can have fun for a few hours - I don't poke and prod things too much most of the time.
We met for drinks at a bar in Gay Village. It was nice, I tried not to pay attention to his need to go out of his way to hug and chat up the staff he knew there. I know he wants you to know he is important, it is his thing, so I don't really pay much attention and listen to his name dropping stories about songstresses texting him for dating advise. Whatever, we all need to 'bigup' once and a while.
We went back to his place for a quick drink and a little something something. We have a great talk and catch up on work and life and the holidays... I am really actually enjoying myself.
I convince him to go to that bar where the boy told me I was hot - just to see if he was around. A small adventure to keep our night fun. Turns out my friend is not there, but there is this great Irish band playing.
What a little great pub this bar turns out to be... a tonne of Toronto Irish around... gotta love that drunken accent. It gets messy and people are jumping on stage to sing with them... crazy fun times. We do shooters and drink the bar closed.
This is when the fun stops. We cab it back to his loft again... drinks and more drinks. Little of the business flowing as well.
Then my friend decides he is going to take a potent chemical cocktail. I politely decline the idea - never done that one - and I don't think I will either. Of course, even at 330am, this doesn't deter my friend at all.
Too bad that he doesn't realize this drug makes him react differently to me... after a while, he just starts being belligerent towards me and accusatory. At one point, I realize that I acting as a surrogate to my roommate for this man. He is just going on and on about how if could have been different, and how if he had been nice, he could have broken up with him at a different time... etc.
Really it is a lot of bullshit. It is just obvious that he is still sad and not over this huge break up. It makes me sad, because he just doesn't see that his method of repairing the damage isn't making it better for him.
Now, I have a lot of patience for people, especially when I care for them, so I sit there and take it for awhile. I attempt to change topics a few times, but it just comes back to the same thing, and then he starts on about the Puppet master bullshit again. I truly believe that he believes that i helped to coerce BL out of this train wreck of a relationship. He just doesn't get that drugs were the problem simply because they both DID NOT like how he changed after going hard core. It has to be more, I had to do it. Just a silly notion really.
It just came to a point when I just said "ok I have to leave now". It just wasn't fun anymore, and hadn't been for a two hour period. Pretty much as soon as the drug took effect.
Too bad. I really enjoyed his friendship... but I represent everything that went wrong for this man. And that isn't going to change for a long time I suspect.
He did send some text messages after I left for the next day... just half assed apologies and a few more accusatory tones.
What can you do? I know - stick to the plan of non contact and try again next year... oh wait... this year. Just later on!
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