Haven't had much to say in recent months as you may well have noticed. My apologies. I have returned only to feed my own obsession. It isn't for you. But at least I can hope to come to understanding of my next step - and to entertain you as well.
I met a boy. He is significantly younger than me, asian, and hotter than hot. I don't even know if we have a lot in common. He is into anime, video games and 80's songs. He works nights... he is what you would expect of a guy his age. He doesn't drink much and definitely doesn't do any drugs. He seems to adore me. Worship me in fact.
The worship is the main problem of it all. He is what is coined " a submissive". He wants me to tell him what to do, and he will do it... even if it would make him "uncomfortable". The idea itself makes me a little uncomfortable. He does adore me, and our one night of passion has left me reeling.
I haven't felt such adoration in a long time from a lover. He is tender, intense and totally wants to please me.
So what is your problem - you ask?
He is single, and wants to remain this way. He isn't looking for a girlfriend or even a "dominant". Well - until he finds the one he can't live without? I guess? Can I be this person? I have no idea.
This is a foreign world to me. I wasn't too comfortable with it, and could not maintain the role for him. I had a great time, but I felt the need to return favours and offer drinks etc.
Maybe I should have been a bitch? demanded things? I could possibly fufill this need if I knew that once the "play time" was over.. we could just chill and watch a movie. Hang out and do something that is more typical of what I call dating.
I don't even know what to do now. I sit here and wait. Ignoring him on MSN. I am supposed to not be all clingy and adoring back. I get that part. But am I supposed to demand he come over and service me? Wash my floors? Paint my nails? Am I to treat him like a lover, and play if casual? I have absolutely no idea.
What I do know - is that this guy is keeping my attention like no one else has for years. Is that because I know it won't work? Because it is impossible?
I think its because he has awakened emotions in me that I haven't felt in a long, long time and wondered if they were gone forever.
Maybe I have to look at it from a more spiritual, no therapeutic stand. Maybe his attention is to help me heal the past? Remind me that I deserve good things and not just the temporary attentions of idiots.
I have been talking more confidently with a couple other boys, and one of them is attempting to forge a relationship with me. I don't find him as exciting as my slave lover. But then again, how do I know unless I dive in and try it out?
More about the firefighter later. Oh and Metal Dave too... there are 3 of them in the mix right now.
But this slave boy, he's all i think about. Fantasize about. It is like I have woken up for a 6 year dream... rested and ready to live.
