Playing the game...

So I sit here and all I want to do is move along to the next stage. Of course, every second thought is the matter of how there will be no next stage. I obsess horribly about these things.

You can give me a little leaway though, I have good reason. No one has ever told me that they are or were in love with me. No one. Not ever once. You can surely understand my desperation for finding someone to love (or at least like lots and lots), and hearing the words that I want to hear. The words, that I might well kill for, if the correct situation would arise....

Oh I suck so much...

here is a cartoon to explain.


toothpastefordinner.com

Cool as a cucumber....

I have never been good with waiting around and waiting on people. I grow very impatient with friends who are consistenly late. I loathe when my cat won't come sit in my lap when I am prepared to love him. Really, I hate it when anyone doesn't do as I desire. It annoys me. I can't help it... this is why I am in a pure hell right now.

I feel so at a loss of the complete control I demand in my life.

As I sit here and type, I want to chain smoke just to keep busy and stop the constant buzz the inside of my body. It is like I have guzzled 15 cups of coffee. The blood, just under the skin is moving so quickly, I don't see how I haven't imploded yet tonight.

I hate this cycle I am in. I know this is his way. I know that he, much like myself, is very closed and doesn't open up easily. That this is the way to get to know someone, slowly, with days in between. It builds up the anticipation of it all. Makes it beter. I get that. I just don't like it.

I am impatient by nature and have always tried to speed up time. Countdowns to the weekend, leaving for trips hours earlier than planned. Forever being at a meeting spot 10 minutes early just to start it all as soon as possible. This is my way, and I don't know how to be any other way.

I just see how this is a different experience for me, and I like it ( I think), so I just want to start it all up now. Do it all now, and start the new adventure. All this starting and stopping. The great night together, the great talks, the touches, the feeling of total warmth for an entire blink of an eye. And now nothing. Anticipation and excitement and terror and unsureness until our next occasion to speak.

I just want to call him and ask how his little thing went today. See if they sold a bunch of books or not. See if he had the hangover I assume he had.

We held hands and cuddled. He asked me if I had ever been in love.

So until then I must remain cool as a cucumber and wait.

My favourite game.

Ah next time.

My Geek, Nerd, Dork Quotient

Joe Normal 47 % Nerd, 39% Geek, 34% Dork

For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 27% on nerdiness You scored higher than 59% on geekosity You scored higher than 61% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Random Spam Or messenger of God?

I have come to the sad conclusion that no matter how I utilize the Junk Email option or spam blocker to my advantage, I will still receive Junk and Spam Mail. It has become a fact of life in this information super highway world we live in.

I know that daily, I will be offered penis enlargements, diet miracles, and of course, fail proof stock options.

Even pills that will make my penis as hard as a "rocket to space". I don't know how they got my email address, but even the internet doesn't think of me as a woman. Why should I be surprised? Most of my male friends think the same anyways. Maybe it was them who added my email address to some porn sites? Who knows, and I have given up the war. My white flag is waving. I no longer attempt to block the junk email or spam.

I just realize that this is a losing battle and I can't waste one ounce of my precious mind on the stress of deleting unwanted emails 10 times a day.

Then a couple days ago, I found something different.

I always take a little joy in the names that they choose. They seem to know what is going on in my regular emails... They send me emails from names of people in my contact lists. Never the full name, sometimes even a combo of my mother's first name and the last name of my roommate's business partner or some such thing. Rather terrifying that there is bits of my contact list floating around out there. Think about it... What else do "they know".

Back to my point.

I was busy deleting a particularily large amount of lies and deceit... Subject lines of "Missing you", "I have been looking for you for a long time", and "Need to please your girl?" quickly deleted en masse, then there was the simple message "How's it going?"... Not much of a temptation to open up really, only there was a catch. The senders name was Jesus.

Jesus emailed me to ask how things are going. He and I haven't talked in a long long time, due to a falling out regarding some very basic beliefs and ideals.
I thought we were through with each other, he doesn't come to my house, I don't go to his. But no.

Jesus reached out to me... Using a method that I can relate to. It was a beautiful moment, and has renewed my belief that maybe there is a chance for us yet.

Where has the time gone?

I have been so busy it seems.
Working overtime, getting extra cash, and brownie points of course. Sleeping, in my new hugely tall bed. So nice. I don't even wake up with a sore back or knee anymore. So nice.
Watching stupid TV. It will be the death of me. Serial television. And now the fall lineup coming. Thank Goodness that the West Wing ended, giving me a small reprieve.
Finally got back into the movie groove. Saw two in the last week. ( An inconvenient Truth, and World Trade Centre - if you care). Two strange movies to see back to back. One talks about the personal stories of two cops and their families as they lied in the rubble, waiting to die or be found. The other talks about how the environmental disaster that our planet is, and how we should stop with all the wars, and fix the planet before it really gets bad. I think I may have renewed my interest in changing the world again, maybe I will do something constructive with this thought. Oh by the way - the Al Gore movie - went with the Bookworm. We had a great time. We saw the flick in the Bloor Cinema... It is the old old movie house in an area of Toronto called the Annex. This little area may well be my favourite area of Toronto. It's diverse group of people, stores and lack of corporate sponsored stores is delightful, though I was sad to see a Starbucks has just set up business there. The beginning of the end I suspect. We went for drinks after to a local bar. It was so much fun! Seriously. We talked for hours and hours and hours... On a Tuesday no less. At one point, he ordered us another round of drinks... And once the waiter ( horrible waiter by the way) was out of ear shot, said that he wanted the conversation - not the drinks. I agreed, and said we probably wouldn't be good customers if we just sat in their bar babbling. I have come to the sad conclusion that Bookworm doesn't realize how romantic he is in his ways. I believe that when he tells me that he wants to be the one person I go to for solace. Little info on this last point: I tend to not really talk about my problems or inner concerns with people ( hence this Blog's inception).
It is the way I am, and have always been that way.
Those close to me are aware of my bad moments and sometimes are able to coax my thoughts out into the open, but I don't tend to wander about talking about my sad days. I usually shoulder everyone else's stuff - and I don't mind it - in fact it makes me feel useful in a useless time.
But Bookworm sees that, as he himself, is the same sort of soul in his main friendset.
He spent some time talking about his current situations... and I like that he feels comfortable in talking to me, seeking small caveats of advice. - but I don't believe that he does so because he is interested in dating me. He just needs an outside point of view - and he appreciates my worldly ways ( well I will be modest later).
Too bad though, we have a bond, and to me, I feel that we are very compatible in this world we live in. I have decided to stop worrying about all this and just leave it be - see what happens next, and attempt to not get frustrated at the string of mixed messages that is sure to show itself.