Breaking UP is hard to do...

It has finally happened. I have finally been broken up with ... proper. I am nearly 37 years old and have never heard the words... " I think we had fun, and have have good life.. but it's over". Of course, I know this was how it was going to go.... since I broke up with him 3 weeks ago.

Firstly, I should start with stating that this wasn't a relationship. We were exclusively having sex for a 9 month period. He didn't feel he was ready for a relationship... he just wanted all the perks. I knew it was going to end as soon as we decided to be exclusive and a couple, but not a real couple. This was his decision. Suddenly everything he did made me annoyed, crazy, bored, angry. I started to hate all the time we spent together awake, unless we were having sex or blind drunk. It was obvious that I had ignored his flaws, thinking this was going to be something of value.

When I could not bear to go back again- he lived in Hamilton, and I - Toronto... the commute got to me... and for what? To be annoyed? The sex just wasn't the same when he said he wasn't ready for a real relationship...

So, I just didn't talk to him after my last visit. Just waited and saw what happened, truly hoping that he would just go away.
It was good for almost two weeks, then text messages, emails etc going on. I was vague aloof, until he asked why was I so mad with him.

I told him, we are different and he wasn't willing to change his life at all for me, even when i was there in his apartment, he would suddenly need to go out to take pictures, or play with computer software and pictures. I get that he is an avid photographer.. .but what was I supposed to do for hours on my own? No cable, no internet.... nothing.

I explained it and left it at that. He didn't seem to understand as he emailed me still, sent me text messages....

Then it finally came.... the " have a nice life" speech. And of course, he erased me from Facebook too. Some people are just children. We weren't dating, so this could have been more amicable.

He totally deluded himself... he was in a relationship, and his breakup post our breakup is proof.

At least I don't have to worry about him hanging around now.

YAY!!

Back here again....

It's been an interesting summer. I have pursued the Hammerman for 5 months now. We have had some good times, and some not so good times. I go back again and again, but not for the right reasons. I go for familiarity. I go for simplicity. I go for the sex. And every time I return from one of my visits, I am plagued by the same thought. You shouldn't ever go back. There is no good coming from it. There is no end game. We have reached the plateau of our relationship, and we both know it.

I realized this after two months. And since then I have only seen him ...what 3 times? I went weeks without making contact, then I get bored... and give in to his requests for a visit.

Then I decided that I needed to make a change, and went about meeting someone new. Enter the Italian. I didn't have many high hopes, his love of formula 1 racing and trance music was a deterrent... but he showed up with flowers. Class act. I was willing to check it out but it just wasn't producing the chemistry ... on either side... so it fizzled out.

Back to my steady hammerman. But with no heart in it, I have come to a realization that saddens me.

I have come to the conclusion that even though 9 months have passed, and most of those months have been rage-filled, I still feel the same.

I also see the parallels... from that night. And strangely, it didn't even occur to me, until Mr. Leto said something... and it all fell into place.

On that sweet night of the full moon, where everything went to shit so quickly.... there was an original plan to go see a concert.... but that didn't happen so we ended up at that bar, and met the circque de soleil guy... and had our full moon love affair of almost.
And of course that led to two months of silence and ignorance and anger... and lobster...
and slowly but surely, we made amends. It took time, and we both tried ... and it was slow... but now it's all good. Everyone was fine... and normal... and good. I wasn't all obsessed, he wasn't mean.

Then we went to the concert last night... the same band we were see that night so many months ago.

And, today, I can't help but be held by the thought that I didn't change my mind about him over those 9 months, I just tried to move forward, onto bigger and better things. I don't think I have accomplished either of these...
boo...

Mercury in retrograde... is it true?

So they say that everything goes haywire when mercury is in retrograde. I haven't really ever noticed... but maybe it is true.

I have had a weird week or so...
Went to a birthday party last week... met a guy who was into me. Of course, I did nothing to make it happen. He was obviously fishing for a way to see me again, and I didn't do anything.... because he didn't just ask me for a phone number or anything. I found out after the fact that he as 'mental issues' though no one can tell me what that entails. Was he depressed 5 years ago? Does he have issues with OCD? Is he suffering from schizophrenia? There are many levels of 'mental issues'. And I think that I believe that we all could use with a little therapy to an even keel.

Then last Thursday I met a guy who is a friend of a close friend. He seemed confused that I was dating the full moon guy, cuz he said I was spoken for (??!!)... but none the less ... this new guy asked for my number and began a texting adventure that lasted a couple days... finishing up with a request for a brunch with drinks.

I came home after the weekend was done, to find out that this guy is actually seeing my friend. He is double playing us... unaware that I am her best friend. I told my girl this info... and she wants to think he just wants to hang out with me cuz he's friendly...

He was not just being friendly... but I know her. She will hear whatever she wants to... I can't do much about all that.

Doesn't matter, as I really know I would not be interested in him at all. I know this. But it woulda been fun to go on a date with him. Dating is fun.

There is more... but I am tired. I really thought I was in the mood to write... but it seems not so much now.

Later on.... if anyone ever reads this anymore, I will update you.

Rock Lobster

I am so fucking done.