Rudeness on the Streetcar

I haven't been around much lately, I guess I haven't needed the outlet. This is supposedly a good thing I guess. But today I was struck by something, and I feel the need to vent about it, and possible other things too, if all goes well.

I took the streetcar home from work today, and today was a particularly rough ride. Bus was late, streetcar was late. People everywhere... raining and cold. Winter has begun to set in, and people are not prepared, its almost like they forget we live in Canada.. and every year, Winter returns.

Anyways, somewhere about Spadina and College (otherwise knows as Chinatown), some crazy guy in a Camel jacket with long flowing white hair is bitching out some guy about moving to the back of the streetcar. Only, there is no room to move back, everyone has practiced due diligence on this ride as far as I am concerned.
Buddy keeps on bitching at the guy, and ends it with calling him a baboon... did I mention that the young man was black? I was shocked... so were others. This old camel coated fuck then moves to leave the car, and as a parting gesture - he looks at this little Asian lady, and says "fucking slant eyes".

I was shocked at this blatant use of racial slurs... I haven't heard talk like this in years, and I thought, perhaps foolishly, that the world was moving past such things. At the very least, in Canada.

I am once again, disgusted with white people and their rudeness. I am ashamed once again.

That guy

D has made me insane. I had given up on all boys waiting around for him to decide what he wanted. Then it seemed that he didn't want anything in the end at all. There was a lot of here and there... then nothing. I don't get it. I would talk to him, and he would want to come by - then when the time came - no call .. no show.

It got bad - I was quite obsessed. Then I realized, this isn't me. Why am I acting like we were in love? We just for really fucked up and spent a day together.

So I deleted his phone numbers, removed him from my favourite list on our website ( where we met)... and deleted all his emails. Done.! Clean break.

And I decided to treat myself to a boy... as they say.. the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else. Of course, this isn't really a great plan - and my treat was a little bittersweet. We had a good time, but the next morning... it all went badly. Teach me to indulge in boys that much younger than me. 23 is nothing I can handle it seems. The generation gap is too much.
Lesson learned. All is well.
Then of course, D contacts me again. Talking about being busy with work. PFFFT! Whatever.
He goes on to say that he wants to drop by "soon" again. That if I will let him, we can have a good time.
Under the advice of my lesbian love guru ( she does make sense...oddly)... I waited some time before replying to him.
Then send a quick simple message saying I was still interested, but wasn't aware he was still interested... and to call me to figure it out.

That was now 5 days ago. And true to form, radio silence. Nothing.

I have gone crazy again. I haven't called or emailed. But I have obsessed over it in my head.

I see how it is all wrong. I should let go. I haven't seen him in over a month, and only have a couple phone calls and emails to keep me going.
In the interim, I have met another boy is more than willing to talk to me whenever. he is sweet, easy going, and we have fun. He isn't D though, and I know in my heart, I would drop him in a second for D.
Maybe it is best to just leave it. As far as I can see... if I leave it alone... he won't contact me. Who knows. Too bad. I just feel so much more is going on, I just don't know what it is. Maybe it is more than I can handle.

I don't want a man I have to hold a hand for. That is what mothers are for.

The Menace

So - here we are a month after my meeting of D. It has thrown me. I adore him. I haven't seen him again, well not in person. I have exchanged emails, texts, phone calls, and web cams with him... but not felt his skin against mine again.

I don't think it is from a lack of interest. Would he still be talking to me if this was the case? Mind you there have been many unanswered calls, days of silence... it is nerve racking indeed.

I recently got it out of him, that he is a little shamed by our behaviour on the night of our first meeting. I am left with the impression that he feels he was disrespectful almost. It makes me feel good that he is like this. Gives me hope.

You see, I have given up all pursuit of the other boys. There are lots of them, but non of them seem to be worthwhile at all!

I just have to wait and see what this one brings. Hope I am not setting myself up for disaster.

But what a delicious disaster it is so far!

Name this tune....

"As I make you call my name.
As you shout it to the blue summer sky...
And we may never meet again,
so shed your skin
and let's get started.
And you will throw your arms around me"

Puppetmaster by day, Minion by night.

I find myself newly lost. Grappling with my two sides. It happens from time to time. Don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to... usually out of boredom. Sometimes anxiety takes over... it is natural. I am human afterall.

Only, what I am feeling now... is not common to me. In fact, it is so foreign... I have no idea on how to procede. Lost. Lame. I might well need to be put down permanently. I am at a war with myself. Fighting the urge to do what I always do, or to make a change.

I have been enjoying the company of boys for a spell now. After a 14 month hiatus, I have decided to experiment in pleasure. Not something I take lightly at all.I deserve pleasure, and feel that after a long time of denial, I can do as I please. So I have. In about the same time as lunar cycle, I have entertained 4 seperate boys... and could entertain more.. but I have stopped... temporarily.

I have met a boy - "D" for our purposes. He is older than I like, chunkier than I like, ruder than I expect. He is a little bossy. He has facial hair. He tells occasional racist jokes. He, from what I can see, drinks too much and does too many drugs. He gives me an empty glass and says "get me a drink!". No please, no apologies.

Now I don't want you to think he is rude, as he isn't most of the time. Apologetic about things, thinks of me , asks me questions about my life, my friends, my habits, me... he does all the good stuff you would expect a man to do when he likes a woman. He is just forceful about certain things. It's demanding, sexy... awesome.

It is a place I haven't been to often, minion that is. He is in total control of me. I haven't reverted to my whole " no one tells me anything, ever" routine that I spout so well at even the slightest sign of oppression. I, instead, sit and wait for his call. I am at his mercy.

I don't know how long I will wait... I don't know how to wait. Should I even wait? Is he even that much into me? The very nature of our meeting dictates that this is nothing, yet I am obsessed with him. And it isn't just the orgasm. Typically, I just moved onto the next boy when it was time... it is my nature ( typically). Why get bogged down with all the relationship thing, it has become apparent that I am a Fetish. And a fetish that is in demand. *Who knew BBW Cougar was en vogue?

The problem is this. "D" is so sexy to me... and I don't know how or why. I look at his pictures on stupid Facebook and melt ( this didn't really start until after he had left my home). I think back to our crazy night together... and long for more... even the wierd parts where he got to high and rambled on about nothing. The passion, the passion was incredible. I need more of it. It's not even a want. It all worked so well, the flow of our conversations ( once he came down). I realized I actually like him as a person ( something that doesn't happen often with these boys)... no small feat at all. Now, there have been boys I have become infatuated with before. Dreamweaver being a prime example. But he was a mere crush. Loverboy.. well we don't need to talk about him.. that is something that is different as well.

I just feel girly with "D". Even for a few hours, I felt like I was his girl. He would throw an arm around me.. or demand that I drape across him as we slept... Things I haven't felt for a long time, or ever before.

Being me and being treated like a girl... the two haven't happened before. My mind is a mess... cuz i want more. To make sure I like it?... or was it just a novelty? Who knows. Not I.

Until then - I am at his mercy.

I don't even understand it myself.

Life is Strange

Just got back from Loverboy's house. It is so weird seeing him now... in a relationship... with a girl. So odd.
I miss him so much....

Stranger in a strange land

Hello Again.

Haven't had much to say in recent months as you may well have noticed. My apologies. I have returned only to feed my own obsession. It isn't for you. But at least I can hope to come to understanding of my next step - and to entertain you as well.

I met a boy. He is significantly younger than me, asian, and hotter than hot. I don't even know if we have a lot in common. He is into anime, video games and 80's songs. He works nights... he is what you would expect of a guy his age. He doesn't drink much and definitely doesn't do any drugs. He seems to adore me. Worship me in fact.

The worship is the main problem of it all. He is what is coined " a submissive". He wants me to tell him what to do, and he will do it... even if it would make him "uncomfortable". The idea itself makes me a little uncomfortable. He does adore me, and our one night of passion has left me reeling.

I haven't felt such adoration in a long time from a lover. He is tender, intense and totally wants to please me.

So what is your problem - you ask?

He is single, and wants to remain this way. He isn't looking for a girlfriend or even a "dominant". Well - until he finds the one he can't live without? I guess? Can I be this person? I have no idea.

This is a foreign world to me. I wasn't too comfortable with it, and could not maintain the role for him. I had a great time, but I felt the need to return favours and offer drinks etc.
Maybe I should have been a bitch? demanded things? I could possibly fufill this need if I knew that once the "play time" was over.. we could just chill and watch a movie. Hang out and do something that is more typical of what I call dating.

I don't even know what to do now. I sit here and wait. Ignoring him on MSN. I am supposed to not be all clingy and adoring back. I get that part. But am I supposed to demand he come over and service me? Wash my floors? Paint my nails? Am I to treat him like a lover, and play if casual? I have absolutely no idea.

What I do know - is that this guy is keeping my attention like no one else has for years. Is that because I know it won't work? Because it is impossible?

I think its because he has awakened emotions in me that I haven't felt in a long, long time and wondered if they were gone forever.

Maybe I have to look at it from a more spiritual, no therapeutic stand. Maybe his attention is to help me heal the past? Remind me that I deserve good things and not just the temporary attentions of idiots.

I have been talking more confidently with a couple other boys, and one of them is attempting to forge a relationship with me. I don't find him as exciting as my slave lover. But then again, how do I know unless I dive in and try it out?

More about the firefighter later. Oh and Metal Dave too... there are 3 of them in the mix right now.

But this slave boy, he's all i think about. Fantasize about. It is like I have woken up for a 6 year dream... rested and ready to live.

Long time no Write

I haven't had anything to say for awhile. Maybe I am done here? I doubt it... I always find something to say.

Dreamweaver's b-day this weekend. St. Pats day too. It was a good time... but debaucherous is the understatement of the century.

There was a lot of drinking, way more than I usually indulge in. The Jerk and I sat up and drank until 1130 the next morning. Talking. So much talking.

I love that guy. Seriously. We talked for hours and hours while dreamweaver and crackers wandered in and out from the Clubs. They were the true hardcores... but I will admit that my favourite parts of the night were my bonding sessions with the Jerk.

He is so crazy. Asking me if I love him and telling me he is sorry he is the way he is. I know how he is... this is what draws me in. There are times when it is like looking in the mirror with that guy... then there are the other days. We tend to agree and disagree to the same degree. We like the same movies, some music, people in general...

Sometimes he is just out to lunch though. He is a much more emotional person than I am... I think that is what the biggest difference is. I keep it all inside and try to seal the leaks, whereas he likes the leaks and pushes them out.

Don't know which is better or right, but I do know it's this basic difference that makes me crazy.

whatever. Don't really have time for a real entry.

Just thought I would write something down as a place holder for now.

What's on My Mind?

Things I have recently spent a lot of time in my mind lately ( January is the Cruelest of months):
1. My cat needs a condo - he needs a cozier place to grow old gracefully. If I am a happy home owner, then it makes sense that he will be happier. Not besmirching my roommate. I adore living with that guy... even if I am hiding in my room right now, while he puts his moves on his date. Stupid guy from the coffee shop. :)
2. I need a new job to enjoy. I am so miserable right now. Seriously - I am making everyone pay. Especially that bloodless busybody who sits beside me. I truly do no like her. She is so annoying and I can't help but plot her last days here at the company. I dream of her quitting, transferring or just plain forgets how to get into the building. Why don't they build a sudoko big enough that she forgets to come to work for 4 months trying to figure it out. Hate her.

3. I don't have enough saved for my retirement, which means I will be a poverty stricken older fat lady at McDonald's. I recently saw a woman there ( don't ask me why I was at this particular food establishment, certainly not eating a deathly meal... or I mean Happy Meal.) It was too late for breakfast but still she rushed the counter and asked if she could still get a bacon mcmuffin. Calmly asked and seemed politely asking... until she was ever so politely told that it was way past the deadline. She started to shake and kind of yelled. But Yell isn't the right world. It was like she was attempting to stop her outburst as it was happening. She quickly turned and went to the window and continued to kinda shake and cry out for a minute or two. It was like watching a demon attempting to break free... only it was just this lady who was in her fifties...
She composed herself and left the restaurant all together. No food. The demon demanded breakfast and no more.
I am not making fun of the fact that she obviously has some sort of neurosis or tourette's or schizophrenia. I wasn't afraid at this outburst and I felt my cynical soul go out to her - people must yell rude things or stare at her all the time. She must be aware of her situation. She was fighting to control it so much - it was obvious.
I don't know what I would do if afflicted with such a condition. I know we are supposed to want to live forever and persevere and be an inspiration to all the assholes who have all their sense still... but I am too selfish a person to do that. I would eventually decide it was time to get out... and I would.
'Course maybe not. I don't know because I am not in the thick of it.

I just keep thinking about how lonely she must be. Alone. Fucked up. Alone.

Breaks my heart to think about it.

postasecret.com

I think the reason I love my weekly visit to this site - is that you get to see that you are not alone. I like the idea that I am not sad, happy, hardup, wacky alone. There are millions of your bastards out there, and I thank you for it.

I like the idea of being reminded that people have secrets. Some are simple... they steal empty bottles, they like to bleed for pleasure, they want to hurt puppies, but don't.
Others are truly deep horrible secrets. And people tell the world their secrets, because telling the people around them, friends, family and co-workers - would taint the secrets.

People take for granted the opportunity to say what they feel without reprisal. I have found myself talking to people who think Blogs are stupid. That too much of their secrets are out there already, and they want to remain with some sense of anonymity. Fuck that I say.

I want this forum... I want to tell you all... I do wierd things to my apartment when my roommate is away. ( Don't be Scared BL - it is all good times ( or is it?))
I like to tell you people my version of what matters... It just makes me feel more. Sometimes it is hard to feel anything at all. I know by putting my stuff up here - no matter how mundane and stupid - I am revealing parts of me that I hide every day.

Bless the Blog. Just don't let God Bless this Blog... cuz that would just tick me off!

Hello 2007... nice to see you

Happy New Year!

I have no resolutions, just in case you thought to ask. I don't necessarily have things I don't want to improve... just don't need to make rules for them. I know what needs to get done.. same as it was a month ago, a new year isn't a clean slate to me... life is totally a work in progress for me.

I have had a chance to think over 2006 in general though. It wasn't a bad year for me - at least not worse than previous years... 2003 blew, and so did 2004. I don't think I minded 2005 too much, got a clue of what I wanted somewhat... which is always good. This last year started off a little rough, and I had some slumps along the way, you have read about a few... and there were others, I just don't think I worry as much as before about the small stuff.

Those last few days of 2006 were crazy though. Everyone else seems to be having a rough time right now. My uncle has been completely loony lately. His live in girl friend and his live in wife (oh he sure is something) had a brawl on Boxing day... taking the holiday's name a little two literally. Threw the whole family into a tizzy. I don't see why everyone gets so upset about it, it only motivates the man child to find new ways to act out and get stupid attention. Family, they sure can be entertaining, but you can never leave after the show ends.

I went out on New Years' Eve Eve with BL's ex. I thought it would be a good time, we have a lot of bad blood - but in recent months, thought it might have changed. And for the first part of the night, I thought that it had finally had.
Now I wasn't completely fooled, I have heard the stories, the drugs, the seizures, the outbursts over stupid things. I knew he had been messy, but sometimes the stories are greater than the truth, besides its me, we can have fun for a few hours - I don't poke and prod things too much most of the time.

We met for drinks at a bar in Gay Village. It was nice, I tried not to pay attention to his need to go out of his way to hug and chat up the staff he knew there. I know he wants you to know he is important, it is his thing, so I don't really pay much attention and listen to his name dropping stories about songstresses texting him for dating advise. Whatever, we all need to 'bigup' once and a while.
We went back to his place for a quick drink and a little something something. We have a great talk and catch up on work and life and the holidays... I am really actually enjoying myself.
I convince him to go to that bar where the boy told me I was hot - just to see if he was around. A small adventure to keep our night fun. Turns out my friend is not there, but there is this great Irish band playing.
What a little great pub this bar turns out to be... a tonne of Toronto Irish around... gotta love that drunken accent. It gets messy and people are jumping on stage to sing with them... crazy fun times. We do shooters and drink the bar closed.

This is when the fun stops. We cab it back to his loft again... drinks and more drinks. Little of the business flowing as well.

Then my friend decides he is going to take a potent chemical cocktail. I politely decline the idea - never done that one - and I don't think I will either. Of course, even at 330am, this doesn't deter my friend at all.

Too bad that he doesn't realize this drug makes him react differently to me... after a while, he just starts being belligerent towards me and accusatory. At one point, I realize that I acting as a surrogate to my roommate for this man. He is just going on and on about how if could have been different, and how if he had been nice, he could have broken up with him at a different time... etc.
Really it is a lot of bullshit. It is just obvious that he is still sad and not over this huge break up. It makes me sad, because he just doesn't see that his method of repairing the damage isn't making it better for him.
Now, I have a lot of patience for people, especially when I care for them, so I sit there and take it for awhile. I attempt to change topics a few times, but it just comes back to the same thing, and then he starts on about the Puppet master bullshit again. I truly believe that he believes that i helped to coerce BL out of this train wreck of a relationship. He just doesn't get that drugs were the problem simply because they both DID NOT like how he changed after going hard core. It has to be more, I had to do it. Just a silly notion really.

It just came to a point when I just said "ok I have to leave now". It just wasn't fun anymore, and hadn't been for a two hour period. Pretty much as soon as the drug took effect.

Too bad. I really enjoyed his friendship... but I represent everything that went wrong for this man. And that isn't going to change for a long time I suspect.
He did send some text messages after I left for the next day... just half assed apologies and a few more accusatory tones.

What can you do? I know - stick to the plan of non contact and try again next year... oh wait... this year. Just later on!