BigBoy

Well, the trip north was eventful. As it always is... and due to some unforseen circumstances - it was an extended trip this time. I thought this would be a great thing - based on Bigboy's responses the first night we met up... little did I know he had a different plan.

Just in case you are not up to date - I have been carrying on a wonderful FTF ( Friends that Fuck) relationship with Big Boy for over 14 years. Whenever we were unattached and bored - well you can imagine ... we started as teens. The energy was there. It seemed to work out for some time - but that was to be only in the past it seems.

I had some trouble locating him this trip ( as per the usual). I managed to finally find him after I had been in town for 4 days. He called me and said he would be home later on and that I was expected to arrive by the end of the night. Sounds good to me.

I show up with party favours and drinks. It goes great. We accidentally get completely trashed and watch some movies. We soon found ourselves with roving hands all about. It was like we hadn't missed a beat. Only he seems to have gotten better than from memory. I stay the night and we go for breakfast.
I decide that since we are in town - we should be free to do this again. It seems to go well. But of course I decide to become ridiculous. But let me explain that first.
I had an emotional family emergency while there. Mom had a heart attack right before we are to leave. Scary stuff. She is recovering well now though.
Down by the river - in a borrowed car - we sit and talk for hours and indulge in poutine. it is a great night... we look at the stars... etc. I can't seem to find the courage to iniate things... my mind is elsewhere. Finally instead of a physical movement... I start talking. (this is the horrible part).
Even though i know what our friendship is, and really have no interest in pursuing anything more that what we have - I start asking Bigboy for clarification on what we are doing. Immediately realizing what is a realtime nightmare - I quickly begin to back peddle and apologize for my insanity.

Too late though. The awkward moment has begun. He even tries to lighten things up by talking about how awkward it is suddenly. I quickly drive him home and apologize.
Both of us know the damage has been done.

I lay low for a few days. Tend to the hospital business and visit safe people ( see family only). Then i find myself alone in a hotel room and calling him. "come stay in a hotel with you - sure". I am thankful that all seems well - for now.

We again drink and watch movies - where he is safe on the other bed in the room. Of course - we manage to make it to one bed. But he refuses my kisses.
This is where it gets from bad to worse.

The conversation turns to how he says we can't have sex any more. He feels that it is a crutch in our friendship... then he starts to tell me how he hasn't felt the same about the sex for sometime. Like he was doing it to maintain the friendship. That he thought we had to have sex or I would not be his friend anymore.

Now I know he sounds a little nuts . What man turns down non-complicated, non-commital acts of sex? But then again - I managed to complicate it in a 3 minute conversation by the river.

We have maintained the same conversations as before - since my return to the big smoke. I have taken upon myself to help him thru his other emotional crises. And of course - I have to prove that i will still be his friend beyond the sexual relationship.... but i miss the sex. I won't lie. Maybe things will change next year for the annual visit.

you never know.

Moose Hunting

Well - the concert is actually tomorrow... But BONO will wait for me. He is good like that.

So where were were... oh yes ... the summer.

Let me begin by saying that I am attempting to rediscover my self sexually. I have been doing things that are out of character for me. And I think that I am growing as a person for it. I may have been a little more free than than normal - maybe even lowered the standards a bit in one case... but I am thinking of it as an experimentation and growth experience. This is my disclaimer... please keep it in mind.

Moose

I am choosing to write this in red as a showing of the passion we could have had. Moose was a boy ( man child if you will) who I met on the internet. Now before you decide I am a whack job for trying to find fufillment on the internet - please understand that I have an uncle who has sucessfully met and fallen in love with some one from the internet. It can happen. It didn't in this case... but it can happen. Besides where the hell are all the funny, hot, straight men in toronto anyways? They are certainly not at the gay dance clubs. So give me a break for trying.

Anyways. He was a one date wonder that I messed up by giving into passion. We met and had dinner and talked and talked and talked. We had so much in common and there was an attraction. IT was KISMIT... but then it went bad. I tried to avoid... i walked to his car with him ( since I live only a half a block away)... he wanted to walk me home. We sat OUTSIDE for another hour at least talking...

He had me meeting his mom. Had us going on dates where we went to movies, concerts, trips and other things. He went on about how he thought this would never happen to him. He had some body image issues I suggest to you... unwarranted really comparitively to the world.

I gave in and invited him up "to see my place". Well as you can imagine... no sooner than 15 minutes later... there was touching of an NC17 kind.

It wasnt magical though. There were some technical issues.... due to us both being of the larger kind. We could have worked thru that... if he coulda standed the pressure... but he couldn't and he petered out - Literally. When it was done - no one got anywhere and he was uncomfortable. The sex ruined an otherwise great summer.

This should be a lesson to you all. Sex can be both a dealmaker and a dealbreaker.

Still have to update on trip to the north ...and to BIGBOY... oh and of course Arafat ( that that one)

L8er

Going to See U2.

Well Well, here we are again. Of course you may have noticed that I haven't been around at all lately. If anyone actually reads this Blog that is. Either way - I/m back. What can I tell you? I am going to a U2 CONCERT tomorrow night. Isn't that just fantastical. I am so excited. I cannot wait. 4 yrs is too long to have to wait. They are so mind blowing live. Regardless of the fact if you are a fan or not. They pull all the stops to make sure that people feel their money is well spent. Oh and I am going with Loverboy and his girl. Imagine the fun that will be...

Update on Love

Things have been progressing at a leisurely pace. I have some updates.

The Miner

The Miner is a good man. And he seems to finally have found his good woman. At least until they break up... or get married!! She is a girl who went to high school with us. She was rumoured to have hooked up with the English teacher - but who knows if that is true or not. Oh wait - they had a kid together - I forgot! Anyways... I know I never really wanted the Miner anyways... just thinking about setting with someone who would not make me puke. Turns out them in love will make me puke. He is charming the pants off of her literally. Heatseeker was a little pissed about it. But who is surprised about that. She is always far away until someone else wants the man - then she wants back in. Oh the games.

Loverboy

Well what can I say? I will always love him. He was the one in so many ways... but never could be the one. Or maybe he coulda been - but wasn't because it wasn't meant to be. Either way - his girl is a nut. She is wacky like the tobacc-y that she smokes constantly. Who can smoke all day and still function? I don't get it at all. And who cries when you can't have it all the time. Loverboy doesn't seem to mind that much - but he is in love.. or so he says. I don't know why I invited him and his girl to the concert. It will be all crazy if they start swapping spit in my presence. I should never invited them... or at least brought a date myself... Book worm or someone like that.

BookWorm

Bookworm... why did I ever think that this was an option. I know he poured it on thick in the beginning. Kissing me on new years. Walking me to a cab - asking if i was going to be ok toget home. He was the one who wanted home... my home. my warm wet home. Then nothing forever... Then all the trips to his bookstore. Then buying the books... his offering of "coffee or something" sometime. Then he takes off to Paris for a month... then nothing. I thought it was fine anyways at the time since he talks over people and then decides to tell them what they are really saying. He was definitely too showy for me.

I was totally forgetting he even existed... until I got some dumb ass cryptic text message one day... talking about " and like a the creature for the black lagoon he surfaced". WTF? Who does this ninny think he is? Then I decided to invite him to my housewarming party ( got a roomie by the way - but more about fagboy later). Bookworm then invites me to a birthday for the buddhist. Of course I accept. What a bad idea. This guy with his mixed signals. He was cooler than ice with me. NO more of the casual touches... no more hugs with meaning.
Now i know I am a fat girl and all... but what is this. Did we break up already/did i not get the chance to know? I tell you... this guy just wants me to want him or something. But he isn't John cusack or anything. There is nothing complex about him at all.

Tomorrow is the story of BIGBOY and the summer of sex ( but no love).

Where is the love? I wanna know.

Nice Lady.