It's been an interesting summer. I have pursued the Hammerman for 5 months now. We have had some good times, and some not so good times. I go back again and again, but not for the right reasons. I go for familiarity. I go for simplicity. I go for the sex. And every time I return from one of my visits, I am plagued by the same thought. You shouldn't ever go back. There is no good coming from it. There is no end game. We have reached the plateau of our relationship, and we both know it.
I realized this after two months. And since then I have only seen him ...what 3 times? I went weeks without making contact, then I get bored... and give in to his requests for a visit.
Then I decided that I needed to make a change, and went about meeting someone new. Enter the Italian. I didn't have many high hopes, his love of formula 1 racing and trance music was a deterrent... but he showed up with flowers. Class act. I was willing to check it out but it just wasn't producing the chemistry ... on either side... so it fizzled out.
Back to my steady hammerman. But with no heart in it, I have come to a realization that saddens me.
I have come to the conclusion that even though 9 months have passed, and most of those months have been rage-filled, I still feel the same.
I also see the parallels... from that night. And strangely, it didn't even occur to me, until Mr. Leto said something... and it all fell into place.
On that sweet night of the full moon, where everything went to shit so quickly.... there was an original plan to go see a concert.... but that didn't happen so we ended up at that bar, and met the circque de soleil guy... and had our full moon love affair of almost.
And of course that led to two months of silence and ignorance and anger... and lobster...
and slowly but surely, we made amends. It took time, and we both tried ... and it was slow... but now it's all good. Everyone was fine... and normal... and good. I wasn't all obsessed, he wasn't mean.
Then we went to the concert last night... the same band we were see that night so many months ago.
And, today, I can't help but be held by the thought that I didn't change my mind about him over those 9 months, I just tried to move forward, onto bigger and better things. I don't think I have accomplished either of these...
boo...
