Caught in the Web

I just saw a spider. I am not too creeped out by bugs in general, aside for the horrifically ugly cockroach - but that is an entirely different story altogether. I found the spider on the way to the communal women's washroom here at work. It was on the outside a huge window, and completely safe for me to stand and watch it weave a web for a good 4 minutes. In the corporate world, you can change everything in 4 minutes. I spent it enthralled with this spider. Sorry Ted - I sure wasted your time on that one. I may be better for it though.

First of all, this spider is spinning it's web outside of a 13th floor window. (Oh - just for your information, in my building there is no 14th floor. But there is a 13th floor. How about that for superstitious people. It works directly to mess with your mind.)
So Charlotte (as we will call the spider) - is in her window... On the 13th floor ... And attempting to build her life around herself.

She is pretty big for a north American urban spider. Her body seemed to stretch two inches with her legs span. Pretty big for a spider, but not a fat spider.

I watched our heroine as she spun a bit of her web. It was interesting - as the whole time, the wind is attempting to whisk her away to her premature death. All the same, Charlotte is still working towards making her life stronger. Slower in the tough times, quicker when the wind dies down.

It just made me wonder about spiders and stress. Charlotte showed no signs of stress, even though she was so dangerously close to death for easily 50% of the time I stood there watching.

Just made me think about all the little stresses I go through and how really, in comparison, how they are nothing. Not life or death. Yet I have internalized so much stress.

I think I will learn from Charlotte. I think I can do better at just focusing on what is important. Not stress the small things.
You know... Like blowing away in the wind while trying to spin my web of life.

Checklist... Is anything done?

I figured it was time to update the invisible world on my ins and outs in the city. I have madly been downloading music for days it seems. It is just incredible how you can nearly get every song, album, movie, spoken word that you can think of. I do find it strange though, I cannot get the theme song to Facts of Life. I keep getting the song of the same name by some obscure idiot instead. Very disappointing, as this would make an excellent song to put on my piecemeal message for laughs. These are the random things that I do and think about on a daily basis. What can I do to even one up myself?

I may also have been procrastinating this new entry for a variety of reasons ( listed here):

1. I don't want to admit that DW is completely out of control and it makes me sad.
2. DC is not a boy who will ever be into me. Sadly.
3. My life is terribly boring.
4. I don't know how to fix #3.
5. When I write it down, it becomes real. All of it.

Well, I guess I should begin at the start and work my way through.

1. DW
It is constantly up and down with this guy. I can't even imagine being him all the time, I would most likely have become a crack whore by now. So Kudos to him. Perhaps.
He came over last week and we had a good time. He was drunk when he arrived. Not so bad, compared to the week before where he was coming down off god knows what. Meth? Coke? Either way.
I got a bunch of food in him, as he was very verbose. We talked about the previous week and how I didn't like and how I even worried. Guilt can do some good things. Sometimes.
The evening ended without any out of the ordinary events. I felt it was a good time.
As the week went by, there was lots of talk about getting DW together with our mutual friend - so that they could get over their "thing". They haven't been talking to one another for like 2 or 3 months. It is completely stupid and childish.... But two strong willed boys - with the same issues of admittance of guilt and pride - it has been a pain at the very least. I don't like being the sounding board for both of them. It gets tiresome.
There were many conversations where I advised it was going to happen and both parties seemed to be in agreeance. We would all go and drink.
Naturally, it didn't happen. Only because I wanted it all to be over. Getting what I want - yah right.
DW is in fact M.I.A. again. Not online, not answering calls or returning messages. For like 3 days again. I know this means that he is off on another drug run. Or he has fallen in love? I doubt this second option though. He is too messed to date now - and he doesn't care for the drug whore variety of girl who would date him now.
This makes me sad, his obvious drug habits have returned with consistency.
We shall see if he keeps his Monday night date with me... We didn't discuss it, but maybe he will call? And not be coming down? And be a better man?

2. DC
What can I tell you? I didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything right. My body image issues are intensified in his presence - which makes me less useful than a bag of lint.
In his favour - he is working weeks of 6 and 7 days. His mind is elsewhere. But I love attention being lavished on me by my boys. This is a commonly known fact.
In the end, I think I have fallen out of crush with him - because I realize that me being nervous is just making him not like me as much. This makes sense, since he fell in love with me ( so to speak) when I hadn't even thought of him as more than a acquaintance. Whatever. Done.

3. My Life is boring.
It is just true. I was thinking bout this last night. My bitches and I went to have some dinner after working on a Sat afternoon. We went to the local pub around the corner ( the wings are tasty there).
Our waitress, whom we have talked to many times over the years, advised that not only was it Karoke night, but also some singles night was being held. Plentyofish.com I do believe. It was very interesting to see the way everyone was a little more Uberthemselves. There were these three cougars beside us who laughed so loud constantly. Attention getting yes. Annoying? Definitely.
We made fun of the singles... As they were not the cream of the dating crop I suspect. Odd looking characters everywhere.
After we left though, I thought about how I could never go to a singles night. All the staring up and down, all the eye contact. Horrifying to me really. Strangely, I feel that eye contact is way more intimate than penetration - if that makes any sense at all to anyone. Eyes, truly are the window to the soul. And I don't want anyone I can't trust to see my soul.

4. I don't know how to change #3.
Now I think this one is a lie. I know how to change #3. It is just so much work. Over haul my entire life. Starting with my pisspoor attitude and bitchyness. There there is body image issues. Then there is actually doing things that may not seem like fun and unboring, but really are. My friend has talked bout us getting out to various events in this glorious city of Toronto. I have been in this conversation loop forever though, with everyone. We should start going to the AGO, or Jazz nights, or this or that etc. Then we even go so far as to find out free nights, or the costs of things. Then it peters out.
Everyone is the same on this, so I don't feel so bad. Except - does everyone feel like they are wasting their life... Like I have felt for a couple years now.
Is it so bad to sit around and watch movies, play games on the computer, or steal music by the truckload? I don't know - but I have always been hung up on this feeling I have had since I was young. You should be doing something else. This is not what you should be doing right now. I don't know what the hell it is that I am supposed to be doing. I certainly can come up with a short list of things "in the now" that I could be doing . Maybe that is where I should start.
I recently contacted some places about doing volunteer work. I received back a few emails about how to register etc. And one community group actually gave me an option. Some work to do calling people about some event. I accepted and heard back that some co-ordinates would be calling to set me up. No call ever came. Even when I offer to work for free, no one calls.

This is just the sort of things I mean.

5. When I write it down, it becomes real.
Now I am just depressed. I think I will go and do something.

The Eternal Optimist?

I find myself a little confused today. I don't seem all that smart today. I don't know if it is the Full Moon - but something has definitely gone ary. ( Is that how you spell it?)

I spent yesterday with my lost friend, Dreamweaver. He came over, we talked about some serious stuff - stuff I think he lied about a little, we ate food - he fell alseep. End of evening.

He slept for 12 hours solid. On my couch.

Now, I know this seems like a bold movement in our relationship - but it is not. The problem here is the drugs. The DRUGS.

I know that he has been using drugs again, and I think I was a little naive about it - on account that I have never truely felt the pains of a drug addiciton ( aside from nicotine that is). I always thought, well if you think you are doing to many drugs, just tame it down. Harm reduction is a great concept - if you can handle it.

No one sleeps like he did. Not unless you have been doing copious amounts of bad drugs for awhile. He was out... it took 5 minutes for him to nod off - and could not be woken. I didn't mind the sleeping part so much - it says alot that someone feels so comfortable that they fall alseep on your couch. It was more the issue that he was recently high - unlike his statements to me a few minutes earlier.

But I didn't want to think that. I was just thinking it was the stresses of his life right now. There are too many to list here... but his life is far from easy going and secure. Again, this is mostly due to his own bad choices, but still I feel sad knowing his life. He is such a lost gentle soul.
I could gush about his great qualities, but you could just read like the last 15 entires to gage that. Needless to say, I am fond of him.

Yet the way I am fond is changing. I now find myself feeling very maternal towards him. I still see all that I like in him, but now see that he is really messed up. He has made many mistakes in the past and will most likely spend the rest of his life of his life making up for those mistakes to the people around him.

Our mutual friend, in particular, is hard on him. I don't really like it, but then again, I didn't really see all the bad times with DW back in the day. I have heard and I do see how people look and talk about and to him. I can see that there is a lot of bad water passing around. I just think that if people had a little compassion now, it would be what he needs to be a better man.

Then again, he isn't going to rehab. Which may be a place he needs to go? I know other people have come back from the dark side with out the aide of a facility - but maybe he needs more. Needs to learn self control or something.

The point of all this, is that after I talked to the mutual friend today, I realized that he was lying about how deep he is in it all. He was high much more recent than he had admitted to. He basically came down at my place. And I didn't even realize. I didn't see the signs, didn't want to see the signs.
I joked recently with DC about how Dreamweaver was my new project. At the time I was really just trying to convey how I wasn't interested in DW, leaving the floor open to DC> but now I really think he is going to be my project. I figure until something dissuades me , I can be there for him in whatever capacity he needs. Even if it is a clean home to pass out in.

Until either I realize he is a lost cause ( like our mutual friend insists he is), or he refuses to accept my friendship anymore, I feel I have to be there. No one else is going to these days. And if I remember to not let him hurt me, then nothing but good can come from this. Right????

PS I want a Kengle hat now, they look awesome on me.

One Girl, Two Boys and a million missteps

This is not the life I ordered... please see the attached memo:

So here it is again, more of that ridiculous flow that seems through the grey matter like a cancer. Boys. Boy oh boy.

I am reminded of my recent conversation with "the bitches".

Little Backgroud

Firstly, "the bitches", are my posse at work. They are two lovely ladies with whom I commiserate about boys with. You can image how bored they must be with "DW" at this point. They of course, return with a miriad of crap about the men in their lives. It is good times.
We were talking about my current life... being that I have two crushes going on at once, and that they are both very very different boys. It makes me laugh because one of them said that it was amazing that I had two "on the go". I don't have anything on the go... I just like two guys who I get the chance to hang out with. There is no exchange of bodily fluids, no staring longingly into each others eyes, nada. Where is the goddammed love.

Back to the Action

There is a new boy. He is crazy, dark and has the sexiest mind. It makes me crazy. He isn't really what I typically go for - not so tall, facial hair ( blech!), but he is angry. And lets face it, I love them when they are angry. It is almost like they are just going to fuck you with every ounce of their anger or something. Of course, I would never know, on account that there is never any sex anymore.

Anywhooo, I will have to tell you all about him. I will refer to him as "DC" as this is how I refer to him with everyone else. he has the same first name as "DW" so you can imagine how confusing that can be. Actually, the strange thing is that they also know each other from school.... same with the Bookworm. Strange boys I tell you. All these downtown boys can make you mad. Mad I say. Mad.

I love him so. He is fantastically evil. Not in the kill-your-cat-and-make-you-watch kinda way. More like the evil thoughts of a man who would never do evil. It is spectacular how he thinks. He is a little obsessed with blood, but we all have our idosyncricies ( spelling).
We became fast friends over a series of Friday nights together in a group environment. He makes me laugh, even when I am in the most miserable of moods.

More later.