Home for the holidays.

As the year comes to a close, I think back to what a wacky year it has been. Lots of things happened, and at the same time, nothing really happened.

The past couple days since Christmas have been weird, family is in a mess as my Uncle has been expelled from his 7th home in 9 months. He has nowhere to live, and is staying at my normal uncle's place right now. This is just a bad scene as again, someone is going to clean up his mess for him. Bastard. I feel so bad for the boy ( his 14 yr old stepson)... that kid is going to so remember his wacky upbringing and it might well ruin him. Too bad, cuz he is a good kid and all.

I have been woken up in the middle of the night two nights in a row, just so that old friends who are drunk can tell me I am awesome. People - I know I am awesome, but could you put it in a card? Email? how about a phone call in daylight hours? I would like that.... mind you, it was fun to get these calls again. I kinda miss Loverboy's rants in the middle of the night. Some of my favourite phone calls happen at night... so whatever. Make your calls - I take it back. I am just getting too old to hear the phone every time ( sorry Crackers- missed it).

BL comes home from Timmins today. He seemed to have had a good time, maybe too good of a time? I don't know, but maybe. I am glad he is coming home, even if he does leave tomorrow for a cottage for a few days. It is quite with just me, Bruce the angry cat, and my air purifier rumbling about the apartment. Thank god my loser uncle and his wife aren't at my house, I would most likely kill them or myself - I have tonnes of patience for my mom's craziness - but not much for uncles antics. After all... I am not 5 anymore.

As the year comes to a close, I think back to what a wacky year it has been. Lots of things happened, and at the same time, nothing really happened.

The past couple days since Christmas have been weird, family is in a mess as my Uncle has been expelled from his 7th home in 9 months. He has nowhere to live, and is staying at my normal uncle's place right now. This is just a bad scene as again, someone is going to clean up his mess for him. Bastard. I feel so bad for the boy ( his 14 yr old stepson)... that kid is going to so remember his wacky upbringing and it might well ruin him. Too bad, cuz he is a good kid and all.

I have been woken up in the middle of the night two nights in a row, just so that old friends who are drunk can tell me I am awesome. People - I know I am awesome, but could you put it in a card? Email? how about a phone call in daylight hours? I would like that.... mind you, it was fun to get these calls again. I kinda miss Loverboy's rants in the middle of the night. Some of my favourite phone calls happen at night... so whatever. Make your calls - I take it back. I am just getting too old to hear the phone every time ( sorry Crackers- missed it).

BL comes home from Timmins today. He seemed to have had a good time, maybe too good of a time? I don't know, but maybe. I am glad he is coming home, even if he does leave tomorrow for a cottage for a few days. It is quite with just me, Bruce the angry cat, and my air purifier rumbling about the apartment. Thank god my loser uncle and his wife aren't at my house, I would most likely kill them or myself - I have tonnes of patience for my mom's craziness - but not much for uncles antics. After all... I am not 5 anymore.

Santa knows if you've been bad or good.

Hey -it's me. I am bored at work. Listening to old Nirvana on my work computer. Presents wrapped, except for the gifts I haven't bought yet. Don't want to work. Did my annual review all day. That stopped the boredom.

My boss ( nice one is back from Mat leave) - took me to a fancy ballroom in the Bay on Queen street. Arcadian Court or something. It was cool to eat in a room with 30 feet Chandliers and stuff. Old ladies wear too much perfume, but it was a good time we had.

I am tired of shopping and wrapping and celebrating. I am going to hide at home tonight and watch TV and eat peanut butter sandwiches in my pjs with my cat, and hopefully my roommate. He leaves for Timmins tomorrow. I leave for the Falls on Saturday. The cat should live for the 3 nights I am leaving him. I know it is only supposed to be 2 - I am horrible... but there is really no one to come and take care of him. Maybe loverboy? i haven't asked him yet. Maybe I will tonight in my forgetting the world exists for a day.

It seems like the mature thing to do. I think I want a cheeseburger too. I just want to go home.

Someone just cut the power off here in my Tower at work. Just do it for me Santa.

I will be good for at least 3 days after this.

Christmas is coming, Are you prepared?

You will have to excuse my recent rant of sadness. Sometimes I get really sad - that was just a rough day at the end of a rough week in what could only be called a rough season.

I am not so sad anymore, I am not crying as much - which is good. Cuz I am so the anti-crying type person.

Things have been good in the last few days. I have been out shopping, wrapping gifts, making plans for the holidays. Keeping busy is always the key.

I worked the door for my roommate and his business partner for a night at a club. It was pretty interesting...
Since some stupid poster gurl didn't show - there was no advertisement. This is a problem as the club is out of the general area - and is relatively new. People just don't know to come way down Church street on a Sunday night. They have to be led by the hand.

It was looking pretty bleak - at 11 pm we got out 2nd customer. Terrified the boys looked in their DJ booth. Sad too. Which is just too bad - cuz seriously, they are awesome at getting the party started.

Then things changed. A friend of the boys showed up... He is this cute little Madonna Lover who is some sort of curator for a art gallery down on Queen street. This boy is fabulous in the gayest sense. He knows everyone in town, he is the life of the party, and he is brilliant at everything he does. He has the Midas touch.

It turns out he was at some fancy holiday party at Carlu. Carlu is this super high end establishment. It is made for the nouveau riche, and the old money. I have never stepped inside the doors, and will most likely never find the opportunity. This is the place Donald Trump would go when he comes to town.
So our little galleryboy talked up all the people at Carlu who were looking for a jumping party. Scotch and scallops is alright for a schmoozfest... But sometimes a gay power man just wants to dance and drink and see cute boys....
So - within about 20- 25 minutes... 35 men climbed into the place. And somehow, other people not associated with the crew also showed up... It was a party.

It was nice to see everyone having a good time. I even had my own moment.

I went out to have a smoke and sat on the bench of the neighbouring Irish pub. Some guy comes pouring out of the pub and lights a smoke and just starts talking to me. I quickly realize he is a little wasted. It is ok though, as he is funny and kinda cute. We get into some conversation about small towns, it seems he is from one too.
I am entertained by him and he makes me laugh, but I have to get back to my station as "spickett" is manning my door and I feel guilting taking up her time. So I say goodnight and disappear.

I get back to the door and like 2 minutes later, he is there talking to me. He came upstairs to ask my name and tell me that I am sexy. I was smitten immediately of course.
Anyways, he left, and didn't ask me for a phone number - and this made me a little confused. He comes up, just to introduce himself and find out my name, tells me that he thinks I am hot, and leaves.

My friend the Jerk claims that he probably chickened out and that was it. How can that be- when the hardest part would have been to come up?

Regardless - I don't work that door again for 5 -6 weeks. And, will he be drinking again on a Sunday night? He seemed to be a bit of a regular... I guess if fate will have it... it will be so.

Only 6 more shopping days folks...

Happy Holidays...

I find myself so lost right now. There is just no way out of this full fledged depression I find myself in.

There is no facet of my life that is not riddled with stress. I hate the holidays. I have for some few years... there is no joy at all. Christmas is nothing but stress and work and loneliness. Life is pretty much loneliness these days. Even when everyone is around. Nothing feels good anymore.

I just find myself crying all the time ( being every couple days) - nothing seems to change.

I am broke, my family is becoming steadily one huge invalid. My job is so busy and there is no relief - no help. I just feel like I am going through the motions until... well until nothing. there Is nothing to work for, towards, why?

I just feel like there is no one to talk to about this stuff.

My friends are all concerned and ask me about my dad and how I am... And I appreciate that. I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with them. I see how I have been withdrawing from them all. I just don't see why there is any point to talking about this stuff. Nothing they say or do ( even by just listening) can change this life I have.
And yet, with all this knowledge - I still don't know how to fix it.

I just know I don't want to hear about other people's problems. My cousin called me today to dump all his emotional shit off. I don't get him, he knows my dad is sick and wants to come over and cry because his girlfriend wants to only date him, and not live with him. Oh fucking boo hoo.
My roommate's sis called too. I talked to her - but I avoided any topic that would bring about her talking about her current problems.It all felt so superficial to me. I just didn't want to hear it - which is so unfair. I know this is how I have made myself up - I deal with peoples shit or just listen. It is the personality type I was born with. People like to talk about themselves and their problems... But I just don't want to do it myself.
* please understand that I know that people work out stuff by talking... I am not complaining about others - because I just love them and want to listen... Just not right now. Just not today.


This is just getting stupid... and whiney.

I am never going to tell you that I don't make mistakes. I do. Hell I make lots of mistakes. It's like all my wisdom and sensibilities go out the window when it comes to myself.
I guess it is true that sometimes you can't see from inside the box what is going on around it. You have to take yourself out of the picture for a bit and gain the perspective. It's just that I can't remove myself from my workplace or home for a few weeks and mull it all over. No chance to reflect and react after a plan has been made. I don't care for this. I am disgruntled with it all.

I have been watching people around me lately and I see their mistakes. Humans are truely pitiful. We get caught up in the wrong things. It is almost like we forget what is important - or maybe we know what is important, but we avoid it - cuz it is too hard to deal with the truth of the matter.

My dad is very sick. He may well be near the end of his life. Now, common sense would suggest that he would try to avoid death by seeking medical attention in a timely fashion, or maybe trying to rest a bit... But no, he decides to take the stubborn fool route instead. Maybe it has a prettier view or something. He avoids the doctor and works himself into a tired state - doing things that don't matter - like painting a wall or fighting over screws for a curtain rod.

I know that it is because he is scared that he is actually dying. I know this is a painful moment to come to in life's journey... but why can't he just take peoples help and concern and just appreciate the time he has?

Why does he have to be an ass about it?