Hallowe'en

I am sick. I have a cold. I am sick on Hallowe'en. I am miserably sad to miss my favourite night out. I don't want to wait until next year. Whaaaaaaaa!

Ok, now that the whining has stopped, I will tell you that I did get to go to a Hallowe'en party on the weekend. It was a good time, but it was a very different party. It wasn't what I would call a great party. There were lots of costumes, here are a couple:



Bookworm was a mugger, which is ironic since he got mugged last weekend after we were at a farewell party. He was fine, expect the loss of his Ipod and Cellphone, and maybe his pride. I liked that he decided to come dressed as his oppressor, it's like taking back himself or something like that.

I had a good time talking to people I had never really met before. Capt Drunk pants ( his costume - not his name) was very entertaining, and was actually quite drunk. I enjoyed his crazy ways throughout the night. We bonded quickly.
Everyone was there that I could have wanted, oh except dreamweaver and titanium, but what can you do?

It was wierd though, I completely had a decent time, and noticed that I had been brushed off a bit by the bookworm. Which has not been par for the course in the last two weeks. I thought we had finally made it past this, but hadn't. Or something like that.

Then I talked to him the next day, and he told me I looked cute as a cheerleader.
I was supposed to take BW's car and go to Niagara Falls to help mom with the surgery thing. Only I got sick. Surgery = hospitals = no sick people please. So I didn't get to go... which is good as I am so contagious i am sure.
Then he called me to check up on me today (cuz I am sick)... and to find out how my dad's surgery went. My friend's didn't even do that (not that I expect it really, it is just extra attentive - you know). He is so attentive some days. Like the day he saw some pic of us together, and commented on how cute our pick was.
He has to love me, or I will scream. I won't die inside, I will just feel foolish. Tricked by a nice guy.

Bah. I hate being sick.

It's a Fancy Party

Life has been odd lately. I haven't been myself at all.. But everything keeps on going. Why doesn't it all stop for me? Why doesn't the world do my bidding?Funeral for a friend's dad. It sure made me think about life. I guess that is the main purpose of death. To remind us all of our mortality. I can't see any other purpose.

Things with Bookworm have been slowly progressing.
There was the fancy party we all went for 3 peoples Birthdays. So, I went out to Scarborough in search of the sexy black dress (sexy is still a stupid word). That shopping trip into deep Scarberia was worth it alone. We went to Flea Market where there were like 15 booths of Jewelry. I ate samosas. It was a multicultural fiesta of food, clothes and weird smells. All in the name of fashion - so not me.
So, Strawberry Shortcake, DC and The Jerk had a swanky bar, martini, guy playing the guitar, semi formal Birthday.
It was a weird night. The Jerk's kinda new girlfriend got to come to the party ( he had not choice this time) and his ex was there too. Also the kids came, and a couple of his ex's are also in this group. Angry girls abound. I was trying to entertain the ladies for the better part of the evening. Bookworm saw I was fighting the uphill battle and would periodically pop by to save me... He thought that I needed some back up with the feisty girls. It was nice. He really is a sweet guy, regardless of his social faux pas. He is socially so awkward. I find it cute how he flounders with girls.
The night ended well, and he even called me the next morning to chat and tell me I looked pretty. He is so in.


ps - I have pictures of this night, but blogger is not letting me upload them today. Boo!

Pink Hammer in the Hammer

Sadly on Wednesday, we found out that an old friend's father passed on. This friend, he is park of that group of friends that my roommate (and I) have been cut out of. It seems that he lost more than a boyfriend when they broke up. But such is life.
But of course, in these times of need and compassion, you go to the funeral and prepare for whatever happens. It is the only thing you do.
Friday morning, thanks to a car provided to me by Bookworm, my roommate and I toddle off to Hamilton, Ontario. (I lovingly refer to it as the Hammer). The day was so cold, it was the day after that huge snowstorm that imobolized Buffalo ( just an hour or so down the highway from there).
It was very nice. French funerals are always well done. I appreciate them ( probably since I have seen many of them in my lifetime).
The Ex ( of my roommate) - saw us and hugged BL ( roommate)- and burst into tears. It was a sad moment. Made we wonder if I will cry when one of my parents move along to death.

After driving all over the Hammer. Funeral at bottom of mountain, graveyard up the mountain, lunch down the otherside of the mountain.

Being part of a funeral procession is an odd feeling. Stop lights are merely a guideline. You can't break the chain, and the whole time you can't more than 20 kilometers per hour. Lots of time to think. Contemplate what is really important and such.
I nearly trip and fall at the graveyard as I am placing a rose on the casket as one final good bye. Classy lady I am not. So embarrassed.

After the luncheon, BL, the EX and I drove to the Funeral home so he could get the car. It was an odd drive as we haven't been in a car together in a long long time. We have traveled together many many times in our life. The EX loves to drive, and when we were close, we used to go out driving and running errands for hours every weekend. Only this time, we haven't been in the same room together in probably more than a year, I was driving... And it was a sad sad day.
We then decided to go to a dive bar in town for a few drinks. Our friend needed some time away from the family. Another couple of friends who had come to the funeral came and met us. It was the five of us. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent with these 4 men in my life. Laughing, drinking, dancing, living their gay lifestyle. It was very surreal for me.

The strangest part for me, was that it was as it always was. Nothing seemed to have changed, except we weren't arguing at all. It was a tiny little glimpse into the past. I spent the better part of 5 years with these men, then suddenly. Nothing.

And as quickly as the day started, it ended. BL and I got back into the Corolla and drove (thru rush hour) back to the Big Smoke. A typical 45 minute drive, too 2 hours. BL of course, slept. Bastard. Love you sweetie.

ps Bookworm had a trunk full of baseball equipment and a pink hammer. The fags and I laughed and laughed about this.

A Sudbury Saturday night..

Thought I would stop avoiding this entry. I have procrastinated nearly everything I was supposed to do this weekend (working, laundry, cleaning, loving) so I should at least write something here. Stop avoiding me.

It has been a weird couple weeks. But the good weird. Spent the Thanksgiving weekend up in Sudbury, Ontario. The drive up was great, we traveled with my roommate's sister... Which is rather priveledged. She is a police officer, and that really brings me comfort in so many ways. Plus she drives very well... Must be all those take downs on the highway... Or the crazy closed course they put her on in training. Aside for all the stress and danger, it must be fun to be "the law".
We arrived and everyone was surprised ... As I had suggested to my other friend that she should sneak in to Sudbury to hang out. For reasons I will not mention, she is currently not supposed to leave her hometown of Timmins. I suggested that if we have a police officer in our inner circle, what harm could come from a tiny indiscretion? I have good judgment, but even I sometimes want more that I should. Besides, if she wasn't there, it wouldn't be the same.

It was great as I spent the weekend with my closest friends in the world. These are the people that you don't care if the underconstruction bathroom has a door or not. The kinds of folk that you just love no matter what they do - even if they get too drunk and yell at the locals. We went to a hole in the wall bar in Garson county. The live house band played 70's rock - sometimes it was even good, poor drummer. His only job is to keep a beat, and he will never be able to do that!! We even met some people that went to grade school with a couple of our crew. Silly good times at "the Falcon". Or the dirty bird as it is called but the people.

We laughed and bonded and loved and I can't wait to go back - in the dead of a northern Ontario winter in January. What the hell. Like I said, I love them more than everyone else, so I'll pack a sweater.

Then back to work. Finally some work has been coming in after a tiny dry spell. My problem is finding a reason to go into work, when there is nothing to do. I hate going through the motions of anything.

I spent two days just missing the weekend that I had ... And thinking about how much the next visit will be better!!!!

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Another Full Moon this week....

I have decided to expand my horizons lately. I don't know in which direction to go though, so I study. I am currently reading one of 4 books.
Here is a quick run down:
1. No Logo - Naomi Klein - A book that talks about Branding, and how companies change our world with their branding techniques. Talks a lot about branding of human beings ( Shaq, Jordan and Mickey Mouse), and of course Corps like WalMart ( burn in hell Walmart).
2. The Essence of Buddhism - Traleg Kyabgon - An introduction to the novice ( Moi!)
3. The Evil that Men Do - Stephen Michaud -Profiling the minds of sexual predators ( I have a dark side...)
4. The Anti-Christian - Friederich Nietzsche - Philosophy of a self loathing German who rips the idea of Christians, Jews and Muslims to bits.

I have also started taping Yoga classes of the Canadian Learning Channel. We shall see if I actually pull the coffee table back or not...


I have also begun to obsess over the idea of traveling. Where I want to go first, and how to save for it. I have started a new savings plan ( this one is Canadian Bonds).

I have also also been eating Veggie Samosas. Contemplating buying veggie soy products that look like ground beef.


What the fuck. Who am I becoming? What am I doing in my journey? Religion? Vegetarian? If all of my life of complaining of religion, and eating meat by the truckload - turns me into a Buddhist... What does that I mean of all I said before?

I know that these things all see to be great personal growth choices I am making. Mixing things up, trying new things. But it feels so wrong in so many ways. I can't be my charming cynical, defiant self as a vegan Buddhist. Don't I have to wear Jesus shoes and move to Nepal or something? Ok that is a little unfair. Afterall, I know a Buddhist. He drinks, smokes, maybe a little more... He even had a cellphone. And I don't think he ever LIVED in Nepal...

Haven't heard from the Bookworm in a week now. I had lunch at his store and that was the last time. I don't think this is going to really go anywhere ... It has been way too long for a call at the very least. He can't be this shy? That is just stupid. I am not that difficult to deal with. He is just like the rest. Close, but not that close. Jerks. All of them.

Reading that Anti-Christian has been eye opening. It justifies my issues with religion. He just explains how they are now distorted religious thoughts that people have twisted to suit current situations. For a paper that was written in 1895, it is quite applicable to current status levels. He even points out why Buddhism is the only one that makes sense... And perhaps because it isn't the same. It is more inner driven. My friend once even told me there is a saying that if you see Buddha in the street, you should kill him. Cuz it isn't Buddha at all. Cuz he is dead and was a mortal... Or something like that.
This paper is coincidentally agreeing with every thought I have had about all the religions of the planet... And I chose to read it at the exact time I was becoming interested in Buddhism. As if to guide me along a path or something.

Oh and of course, there is the other thing.
Point 30. This point of the paper discusses two physiological realities.

The first is "the instinctive hatred of reality". Sounds good to me. The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one becomes unable to be "touched" as it is unendurable... Every sensation is too profound. Yep. I know that one well.

The second one "the instinctive exclusion of all aversion, all hostility, all bounds and distances in feeling" The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one comes to the brink of being unable to be "touched", but it is soaked up instead ... And only Love can make it all better. Making Love the ultimate possibility of life.

Maybe not so shattering of concepts... But written succinctly ( spelling is way off there) that I read that one passage 5 times.
I know I don't explain why this one passage has affected me so much, but it has. I think about how it applies to many parts of my life... And how I deal with things. It is a weird time for me. I feel like I don't wear my own skin right now, it is someone else's.