The Damage done....Can't be undone

You watch a lot of TV? I watch a lot of TV. I download it, PVR (TIVO) it, watch it live... whatever the medium the result is the same. I watch shows about some murderous, dire or general crime story-line with characters who lead complicated lives, have damaged souls and are perpetually swinging between loneliness and destructive relationships. I identify well with these characters... and it makes me feel better to know I am not alone in my constant daily reminders that I am not good.
I am not good.

I certainly don't know how to deal with the fallout that is occurring in my life right now. I revert to what I know best, if you are mean or funny-mean... people can't get in. It's a full proof plan. No one wants to get in if you aren't nice. I don't even realize I do it until it's done. And even once it is brought to my attention... if I fail at another method, you know nice... I revert to stupid harshness.

Jared Leto... oh Mr. Leto... it's been awhile since I cared this much... so much that it doesn't even matter if we have a fall wedding, or a first date for that matter. I just want it to be better, like it was before.
This new stage is so fucking painful to go through. It is so obvious that we are both in a hell when in the same room... only if we are truly so drunk that it doesn't matter - can we even function.

Thursday was one thing... him just ignoring me for the first part of the night then total chaos is the only way to explain that night changed. It only too him to get drunker than I have ever seen him... and then it was kinda ok.... so long as I am not mean to him any more. Lots of kind words, and the hope that all is normal again.
Last night was worse in that we were both into the drink by the time we got to the same room, mind you it was his house with family in it... which was just kinda odd. After the family left... it just turned to awkward chunks of time coupled with minutes of nervous chat, then more awkward chunks.

The part that makes it worse, is that we both seem lost in how to recapture the friendship that has grown over the months and months we have spent in the same room arguing about Alx Rose, football vs. everything else and who is enabling who in the world.... I am just as much to blame... I literally stopped drinking anything but water and trying to find an icebreaker in my mind to magically make it all easier to breathe...

Even at the end of the night, I was the only person left hug less... keep in mind - that the night before this... I got tonnes of hugs and he even kissed my head good bye... (of course we were blindly drunk at the time). Now to be fair... he did thank me for coming and hoped I would come back again soon... said all rather gentlemanly....

All in all... I am impatient and cannot stand the complete lack of control in this situation. I made it worse today... by sending a stupid text... trying to be funny, but upon reflection, may sound rude or mean yet again.

I am beginning to think that there is no way to save this... and in the end... distant acquaintances is all we will get in the end. Again, not because that is what we want... but that is all we can muster.

I don't want to be Gregory House, but I think I am already there.