Well.. this my second time writing this blog entry. on acount that i dont know how to publish and i lost it all. dammit.
I spoke about my loverboy. And how he has found himself a girlfriend. I can't believe it. I can't believe how i screwed that up. I could have at least tried to move it beyond the FRIEND level. But now that is all gone... she is nice and he is fantastic. So they may well be together. I have no excuse. I would never have gotten him. not the boy for me obviously.
Of course now this means i cant just not date .... there is no boy for me to pine for silently. I could call the newfie boy I met last week. he was nice enough - so young. So wrong. But at least it is a cheap way to get out there. Then i can move onto the other objects of my affection. LIke fraud boy. He is the newest prize that i can see. he is cute and smart and awkward. yet always happy. can't go wrong with this. Loverboy was miserable all the time... that got dull.
6.30.2004
6.26.2004
Pride Toronto
Another Pride Toronto is upon us. For anyone who is unaware - Pride Toronto is a huige gay event that takes over toronto. People from all over the world come to Toronto for the weekend and take over. They close down Church Street for the weekend and everyone goes insane for 72 hours. So far it has been good - I offered to work the door any my friends Club event ( see shanepercy.com). There was a poor turn out - only about a 100 people showed.. but people are hard to get to leave the gay villiage on pride weekend. I stayed after I got done working and believe it or not... I found a straight boy who had wandered in by accident. He was cute and very young. Only 22... hence why i didn't go back to his house with him. Sweet boy from Newfoundland. I did exchange numbers with him...he said he wants to learn about Toronto.... we shall see if I have anything to show him ( OR teach him). TOday is the party at the coach house - I am providing jello shooters... we shall see how this days goes. Happy Pride folks...
6.24.2004
previous release.... June 17
Well here is the life in the big city.
Sitting at home. Can't think of a thing to do. I could go watch some guy paint his condo. OR go to a movie alone. But neither seem like any fun at all. This seems to be the problem. Nothing seems fun at all. I have lived in toronto for nearly ten years. And it is now that Toronto has run its course. Admitting it is the first step.
Now the hard part starts. What to do now? Do I stay here and have a borish life? I see my co-worker ( who is 11 years my senior) and i don't think I can have her life. I see how easy it is to slip into her life. NOthing going on but the Sunday visits to her dad's and trips with her cousins. I don't have any cousins to travel with and my dad? well I don't think he should be the number one focus of my life. It just doesn't seem right ....
So do I move to bigger and better things? Do I start fresh in a new Town? I know that I don't want to move to a new apartment here.. I have a pool and a nice view. Why - what is better? A new job? I like my employer and job. I don't think i could do better.
Do I start fresh in a new Town? Start from square one? Hell i barely survived my move with a suitcase to TOronto game. I am not wanting to do that.
SO that leaves one small small home town to go back to. I swore that I would never go back there again. But as I look at what makes me happy. That town is the best thing I can think of. housing is Cheap. I could own rather simply. I have friends and family who love me. I could fill up my time rather easily - I think.
What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a decent job? what if my Cat hates it there.
These are the quewstions that plague me. Surely someone has some advice for me.... please please help me out.... advise me on your moves. your thoughts.
Sitting at home. Can't think of a thing to do. I could go watch some guy paint his condo. OR go to a movie alone. But neither seem like any fun at all. This seems to be the problem. Nothing seems fun at all. I have lived in toronto for nearly ten years. And it is now that Toronto has run its course. Admitting it is the first step.
Now the hard part starts. What to do now? Do I stay here and have a borish life? I see my co-worker ( who is 11 years my senior) and i don't think I can have her life. I see how easy it is to slip into her life. NOthing going on but the Sunday visits to her dad's and trips with her cousins. I don't have any cousins to travel with and my dad? well I don't think he should be the number one focus of my life. It just doesn't seem right ....
So do I move to bigger and better things? Do I start fresh in a new Town? I know that I don't want to move to a new apartment here.. I have a pool and a nice view. Why - what is better? A new job? I like my employer and job. I don't think i could do better.
Do I start fresh in a new Town? Start from square one? Hell i barely survived my move with a suitcase to TOronto game. I am not wanting to do that.
SO that leaves one small small home town to go back to. I swore that I would never go back there again. But as I look at what makes me happy. That town is the best thing I can think of. housing is Cheap. I could own rather simply. I have friends and family who love me. I could fill up my time rather easily - I think.
What if it doesn't work out? What if I can't find a decent job? what if my Cat hates it there.
These are the quewstions that plague me. Surely someone has some advice for me.... please please help me out.... advise me on your moves. your thoughts.
Times like these
Well, it sseems that sleep will be an impossibility tonight. Even the old trick of touching myself in dirty ways on the balcony floor hasn't helped. Things on my mind.. twisting and turning everything inside and out. I have no idea of where I am to go now. I see that the last straw has fallen on the wrong camels back. I have seen my last easy guy go off and get a different girl... who could blame him... nothing had happened to us in 6 or 7 years. How long can a poor boy suffer in silence? IT is quite unfortunate that I outlasted even him... he is a great boy. I guess it wasn't meant to be ( why do people have to justify losses by saying this? I dont understand it.. but might as well join them....)
I just seem so lost. I don't know why I am like this. I don't think that I am that different. Sure.. I am not the prettiest.. but I am by no means a bitch. I have skills and entertainment value... Yet no one seems to love me more than words. Maybe because I don't love anything more than words? Do i have to show love and take the loss when it isn't reciprocated? How many times before I get a hit?
They say that when you aren't looking - you will find it. What does this mean? Do I give up and get 5 more cats? move to the country? How can I stop looking. Love is the end all... be all of everything. Everyone knows it and everyone looks for it. And recently I have discovered that I am the only one left now.
I know I am not really alone on lonely street - but it sure as hell feeels like it. I don't really know of anyone else with such shit luck.
I WANT LOVE and taht is that.
I just seem so lost. I don't know why I am like this. I don't think that I am that different. Sure.. I am not the prettiest.. but I am by no means a bitch. I have skills and entertainment value... Yet no one seems to love me more than words. Maybe because I don't love anything more than words? Do i have to show love and take the loss when it isn't reciprocated? How many times before I get a hit?
They say that when you aren't looking - you will find it. What does this mean? Do I give up and get 5 more cats? move to the country? How can I stop looking. Love is the end all... be all of everything. Everyone knows it and everyone looks for it. And recently I have discovered that I am the only one left now.
I know I am not really alone on lonely street - but it sure as hell feeels like it. I don't really know of anyone else with such shit luck.
I WANT LOVE and taht is that.
6.22.2004
The end of an Era
So it is a Tuesday night and I have come to the saddening conclusion that I am the most boring girl in this city. I have no one to blame. I just don't take advantage of anything it seems.
I just don't know what to do and with whom. I have grown tired of going to gay bars with my gay boy friends. My girlfriends are all in long term relationships. I guess that is my issue. I need a long term relationship.. or at least several short term ones... Things are always better when you do it with someone you like.... Otherwise. I have nothing new to say.. except the new beatie boys album is really growing on me. Some tracks are way out there... but i still here the old beaties sound breaking thru the beats.
I just don't know what to do and with whom. I have grown tired of going to gay bars with my gay boy friends. My girlfriends are all in long term relationships. I guess that is my issue. I need a long term relationship.. or at least several short term ones... Things are always better when you do it with someone you like.... Otherwise. I have nothing new to say.. except the new beatie boys album is really growing on me. Some tracks are way out there... but i still here the old beaties sound breaking thru the beats.
6.10.2004
Toronto
Well... Today is 15 degrees( it feels colder)... yesterday was 32 with a smog watch. I don't know why people say global warming is destroying the earth!
I have started this blog to just talk to people and myself... all at the same time. I have come to a crossroads in my life and i no longer can deny the life i have built for myself. Deny myself of more. I just am partially unsure where to go with it all. I am hoping people will have personal stories or insights to help me along the way.
We shall see how that works out.
Lates.
Seashan
I have started this blog to just talk to people and myself... all at the same time. I have come to a crossroads in my life and i no longer can deny the life i have built for myself. Deny myself of more. I just am partially unsure where to go with it all. I am hoping people will have personal stories or insights to help me along the way.
We shall see how that works out.
Lates.
Seashan
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