How I will die!!

So I made blueberry muffins today with the blueberries my roommate picked when he was up north. They leave a tasty smell in the air. Haven't had one yet. Maybe after. Glad he is home. Missed him.

Didn't go to work.
Crackers came by last night and we talked for hours...stayed up pretty late. It was nice to hang out with him - but the drama. I don't miss the 'others' for their drama at all.

Feel bad about missing work. Headache was too much. Perhaps lack of sleep?

I found this quiz and thought it was worth posting. Please note the most likely option. Kinda funny if you really know me.

You scored as Gunshot. Your death will be by gunshot, probably because you are some important person or whatever. Possibly a sniper, nice, quick, clean shot to the head. Just beautiful. Gunshot 73% Suicide 67% Stabbed 60% Disease 60% Posion 53% Bomb 53% Natural Causes 40% Disappear 40% Eaten 27% Accident 27% Cut Throat 20% Suffocated 20% Drowning 13% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

Freedom is overrated.

Today is the day my roommate comes home. He went up north for 6 days. I joked before he left that I could not wait for him to go. A week of freedom from the pseudo "ball-and-chain".
He probably wasn't out of city limits before I trashed our living room. I sat around in my underpants, after throwing my clothes on the other couch. I left plates and glasses out. Bags of garbage sitting on the coffee table. I left the dishes from our last meal sitting on the counter overnight, not even rinsed off. I reverted to my pig status.

Then I woke up the next morning. And I cleaned it all up immediately. The dishes were caked on and I had to soak them.
I dusted, swept, cleaned the litter box. I even managed to clean the bathroom - oh shit I forgot the mat - I will do that after this.

So there goes my life of sloth. I was under the misguided conclusion that I was tidier on account of respect of my roommate and his OCD cleaning tendencies. Turns out, I just like a clean house now.
I hate evolution.

It also turns out that I don't want to have sex with younger men anymore - unless we are attempting to fall in love.

It has been a startling revelation week.

(That was supposed to be the segway to this part - it is not a good transition)

Typically, I would have taken advantage of an empty apartment. I would have called over some man/boy and had some fun with him. I didn't though.
I said to myself - "self - go and get laid this week". Then I went to the movies with the Jerk instead.

Is this supposed to be what maturity feels like? It fucking sucks.

I came to this revelation when I was at my weekly card night. The kids and Titanium didn't come and neither did the other girls or bookworm. DW was supposed to come, but got called to work.
So it was just the Jerk, DC, Porno and I. It was a very different night. We ordered thai instead of mexican and listened to alt rock instead of dub.
We also talked a lot more. There wasn't as much confusion - seven voices to four so you can understand. There was more bonding.

I was talking with DC out on the balcony - and the words just poured out of my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was declaring. It is weird to think that I am ready for more than just casual sex. I haven't felt ready in a long long time. I don't even think I ever have been ready. There were times in my loverboy days where I thought I was ready. That being said, things would have happened if it were true. We were in a different space then, and now I see that - especially when I see him with the petkeeper. I would not have been so afraid to even talk about it with him.

I wonder if my change of heart has anything to do with the new friends.
Can it be that I am the dogs to their pavlovian ways? I see happy couples and how they manage to stay together. I see friends who love and hate each other - but always with a level of respect. Then I want and mimic what I see?
I see myself being softer now. I don't seem to be as obsessed with being so tough. I even talk about things, that I never spoke of before, that could show too much about myself.

Straight boys vs. Gay boys.

This of course is the biggest difference in the friend groups. I know I still have a plethora of gay boys around, it is just different, I haven't submerged myself in the culture this year. I go to bars outside the gay ghetto - I barely step into these days. It isn't the fault of the gays, don't get me wrong. I was at fault - I gave a portion of my life to the gay scene - and had a blast. It was of my own volition.
I just had a hard time with some of the strong personalites in my old circle. And when push came to shove, they didn't give me what I needed. Maybe I didn't tell them what I wanted, maybe they didn't care. Neither here nor there.

I am going up north this week. Nothing like a 10 hour roadtrip with your mother. I will see BigBoy and the Miner. There of course, will be no sex on this visit. Strange how things change so dramatically ...

PrisonBreak is coming back soon( what 2 months?). I truely hope that show doesn't ruin itself.

Pride in the Name of Love

I used to always wonder why pride is a deadly sin. People are always going on about taking pride your appearance, your work, your heritage. Isn't this some sort of religious oxymoron?
As the years go by though, I start to understand it.

I really think I have turned into a bigger bitch lately, if this is even possible. It is true- I take pride in the fact that under pressure, I can really put the bitch in me to work. It is a shameful practice, but I do it all the same.

Now I am not a bitch for no good reason. There is always a reason. Sometimes it is hard to understand the reasons (when you are not me) - but they are validated in my head. I just go to extremes with it.

Bitching as a hobby, out of love, can it be that bad?

Take my current status. I have been bitchy and quite nearly mean to one individual for a few days now. I didn't really realize it until today - I was really start to pull out all the stops. At first I thought it was because my cycle is coming, and I get a little hard to handle beforehand. But then it occurred to me, there is a real reason.

I do not deal well with rejection. It probably goes back to my childhood. I pretty much was a reject of society for the better part of my first 14 years on this planet. Sure - I probably exaggerate this point, but it is quite nearly true.
I was fat, homely, maybe smelly and had glasses. You know me, I was in your class. Maybe you picked on me, or played tricks on me, or maybe you just ignored me. It's fine. I understand.
Then I moved to Toronto, where no one knew me. And I decided that things were going to be different. I joined clubs, I bought earrings, I tried to have some fun. And you know what - it worked. I had friends. Mostly geeks - but I have an art of conversation or something - cuz even the non-geeks were nice to me. It was a great experiment. I adopted it when the parents up and moved me back to the same shithole town I came from.

The one true thing that I carried over from the bad years though, was the hatred of being treated badly by people around me. Being ignored or forgotten is the worse thing that you can do to me. And I won't have it anymore.

Case and point, my current struggle is with my dear dear friend, the Jerk. He is a great guy and I know that he loves me. He just doesn't understand that he can't turn on and off this love as it suits his needs or mood. He can't be an asshole because life isn't going his way and expect people around him to accept it, because we love him. Just like the rest of us, he is accountable.

So, in a passive agressive manner, I choose to be rude back to him and make him feel a little of how he has made me feel in recent memory. It really isn't that hard, I just do to him, what he does to me or others. More so me, but sometimes I do random things.

I am hoping that he will realize what it is I am doing, and we can confront the situation. Confrontation is not his strong suit at all. Dealing with problems - also no good.

I am hoping that this will be a good thing, and that I am not just ruining another friendship by being too much of a bitch.

Toronto, My Kinda town...

I really am becoming fond of Frank Sinatra. I have been totally digging jazz lately. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have gotten over the idea that it is lame music. I realize it is probably because a) my parents never listened to jazz and b) DW and DC are jazz guys and have been schooling me on it. I always liked Frank Sinatra though - of course, his Mafia ties doesn't hurt his image for me. He also looks like he was a bit of a prick. I seem to attract to these sorts. Plus the voice that commands your attention doesn't hurt either.

Have seen a few of the boys around lately. There was the dinner/drinking on a patio event down at the Red Lion last week. Great night. The Jerk and I started off the night together, debating on inviting anyone ... Then deciding against it. We missed each other - and we got to caught up. Then DW called - and he was in the hood. So he came on by, then Bookworm called - so he joined as well. Then the Jerk decided to call Titanium back, and invite him. It was great hanging out with a bunch of boys... Especially when they are drunk on Guinness, and I am drinking martinis.

It was a great night - they mocked each other and I took video with my camera which was entertaining as they all thought I was taking pictures...

Since the patio is only a couple blocks from my house, I refused Titanium's ride home ( besides the other 4 were riding...That is too much boy for one car!).

I walked along, listening to a little Gnarls and enjoying the euphoria from the drinks and boy smell in me. It was a good night and a good little walk home. All was well. Or so I thought.

I noticed some guy jaywalk across the street ahead of me and immediately became guarded. You have to when you live in the city, and am a girl, and it is night, and it is my neighbourhood. It is seriously a case of good block bad block. Then man stared at me as I passed him, but didn't approach me at all. Phew. Not in the mood for whatever he was up to... Martinis or not.

A couple blocks later, I am walking past my work. Did I mention that I live across the street from my Job? Fabulous option if you ever get the chance. I am pleased to nearly be home, as I am suddenly tired. Perhaps the drink has stolen my energy?

I start to cross the roundabout when I feel something on my arm. I look, and it is the dirty shirt man from a couple blocks back. And his arm is on my person.
First of all, I don't like to be touched a whole lot, by even my closest friends, but this grubby guy? I won't have any of that.
I immediately go into defense mode. I whip my arm out in a way to shake him off, and end up kinda slapping his chest with my fist... kinda like the "clothesline" move of wresting. It didn't do much except push him back a bit...
I booted over to the closest door and used my access card and zipped into Rogers. Safe!
I turned and looked at the man, who was still around. He just lifted his arms up as if to say "what the hell lady"!!

I am more than sure that he wasn't in the market for a smoke or change, you don't follow someone for two blocks to ask for a dollar.
So that leaves a mugging or sex. I am pretty sure that no one wants to mug me. I am tall for a girl and huge to boot. I can't run fast, but heaven help you if I can reach you.. Especially when you want to steal something from me. I won't have it!

So really, he probably wanted to proposition me somehow. I bet he was surprised when I reacted so quickly and scooted into the nearest door. Who woulda thunk I worked there?
Of course, would I walk home drunk again in the city? Yes I would. Toronto hasn't let me down. It's my kind of town ( to quote Frankie baby). When I told the boys my story, only one suggested that maybe I shouldn't have walked alone, and really in the company of 4 boys -you would think...
Typical though. In so many ways, I am the invisible girl. A boy without the equipment...

And that was my night with the boys.

DW was looking so hot that night. (Don't love him, but appreciate his fine form these days).

Be safe!!

33 yrs old, don't know nothing

I have been ditched twice this week, one unexpected, the other wanted.

Now, it isn't that I really wanted to get ditched. I just didn't want to go to the circus. All the animals in captivity. All the crap in getting there - though it would have been nice to go out and do something with Dreamweaver. Regardless, he didn't call me, I didn't call him. And I pretty much guessed that if I didn't inniate it, it wouldn't happen. This guy is so horrible with the phone.

Alas, it occurred to me after the call never came today, that I had been ditched twice.

By the two guys in recent memory that really kinda broke my heart.

DW doesn't count really, since we were never anything. I just adored him, as you may have gathered from the multiple posts regarding him. To watch him in a downward spiral when I know that isn't what he wants, he just doesn't know any different.
I have advised I am over my crush on DW - and I can feel it is gone. He is still pretty hot these days, looking mightily fine indeed, but now I don't know why, I am over it. I think it was that whole drugged out episode in April? May? Whenever it was.



It is the first ditch of the week that is kinda killing me a bit.
Now, before I begin, I just have to say that I know that things are different. I know that they can't be the same as it was- back in the day, I know that it never will be again.
I just wanted to hang out with my friend and be the jerks that we can be together.
I miss him so much.
Even just sitting around drinking coffee and bitching about his girlfriend and her newfie life.

But not only did he ditch, he never called to advise he was ditching, he didn't even call back after I left messages.

Of course I know what happened.
His girl got the day off for whatever reason ( these things just seem to happen on the days that we plan to hang out - coincidence? I don't know.) and he just did what she wanted to do (understandably he is in love afterall).
He then listens to his messages and hears me talking about our plans, and how I came back early from the awesome cottage - for his visit. Then he feels guilty and doesn't call back.
Now it is two days later, and he hasn't called. He most likely won't either. He will wait for me to call.
It is his way. It makes me so fucking angry. He is frustrating and he makes it worse.

What is the craziest thing - is that my roommate tells me today - that our other friend ran into her on this same day. And she invited him back to their place - to hang out.
So - not only am I ditched, but I am ditched for some spur of the moment chance meeting.

I think the saddest part of this, isn't the ditching, isn't that Loverboy did it. It's that it still hurts today when this sorta thing happens with him. Even as I write this now, I am only realizing my hurt feelings over it. I didn't even realize how much it bugged me.

You would think that after 33 years, I would be able to figure out when I am really upset about something, and not just fronting. But I don't.
Fuck.

Soccer or Baseball?

I know this will be of no shock - but I like boys. I like all kinds of boys, tall boys, cute boys, hot boys, nerdy boys, muscle boys ( though not as often), and of course, my emotionally fucked boys.

Boys oh boy, I like boys.

Of course, I should call them men.
But I don't.
It would mean that I am a woman as opposed to a girl. Ageism is an ugly thing. And I am part of the problem. I like boys to be younger than me, not older, and have almost never dated someone who was the same age or older than me.
They are just more fun.

I went to baseball today, only there wasn't anyone there. I hadn't gone to the diamond part of baseball Sundays yet, only the drinking after part. Today was going to be the day where I broke down this barrier in my mind.
I got my little MP3 all warmed up with new tunes, dug through my change and got on the subway. I figured it was not too hard to find... How many baseball diamonds can possibly be at Bloor and Christie?

I wandered around for an hour and a half. I found 3 - no 4 diamonds. (None of them had my people there) I also found a park with a water fountain with a billion children playing in the water. Couples eating ice cream all around me. Dogs chasing frisbees. Old drunks passed out on benches. I saw girls dressed like whores, in the daylight, in the park - don't even want to think about that. So many things going on in the Pitts.

I also saw two different soccer games going on. I stopped and watched one for about 30 minutes. They were playing with no shirts on ( well not all of them). Running and sweating and yelling to each other. It was fabulously sexy. I was sad that I was alone to watch this beautiful site. I called my dear friend to get comfort that I wasn't too stupid to find a baseball diamonds, even with rough directions. She was of no help with my plight, yet she did entertain me all the same. Bless her.

Bless those hot soccer boys too.

I eventually found my friends at the Drinking part of the afternoon. It seems that not enough people showed to play. So they moved onto the drinking and eating instead. I must have missed them by little time, as I did go to the first diamond ( which was theirs), and no one was there.

It was nice. Got to hear boys talking about motorcycles and hot chicks. I do enjoy learning about the boys. Also, there was the old guy. He is a odd duck in this pond of personalities. He is older than everyone by at least a decade. Friendly enough, but a little full of himself - though he has more life experience, so maybe it is deserved.

I can tell he is curious about me. We have only met a handful of times, and we never really talk. There was an incident a few "drinkings" ago where he referred to women as bitches, and I said something, in my joking manner, and he took it as an offense. He spent some time apologizing for it, and I tried to assure him I was joking.. And am not the type of girl to get upset over something so trivial.

This week, with a smaller crowd, he took time to talk to me more. He bummed a few smokes from me - then disappeared to the store to get reinforcements. He actually bought me a pack of smokes.
Kinda odd.
I wasn't put out by giving a few up.
No need to go above and beyond. He also mentioned that he wants to sit with me for an hour sometime and talk. Freaky stuff really. It is different when you just start talking to someone and get into a long conversation, that is the stuff we all want to happen right?

Getting to something important and somehow intense for an hour. We all learn things and get better for it... But to say it...After he got me something. I am most likely going to be weird with him, without even thinking about it, cuz he bought face time with a pack of cigarettes.

Of course, it could have been the "safety" meeting the boys had in the parking lot out back before this conversation took place.
Who knew that being safe - sometimes means danger!!

Titanium also advised me, after I told him of my Christie Pitts adventure - that the hot soccer players are there every week as well. How can I not go? Cheer on my friends while they play baseball and drool over the south American boys playing shirtless, hot, soccer?
Seriously.
This is like a dream come true.
Two sports have never come together in such a perfect way.

The Group of Seven is complete...

Sometimes things just happen, when you don't even notice. You get so caught up in trying to change your life, make it better, make it something, make it matter - and wham!
It happens - and you didn't even notice - your goals are starting to get accomplished.

I have a new set of friends. I knew that they were my friends a long time ago, I am not completely oblivious. I just didn't realize that somewhere between the cards and the booze, we all got really, really tight. When Bookworm came to one of our famous card nights, he mentioned how we had tightened up as a crew. He hadn't come around for a few games ( maybe 5 or 6 weeks worth). I started thinking about it... And occasionally someone would mention it as well.
Still, though, I hadn't decided if it was true. Sure, with a few of them, it was true:

The Kids through a couple of outside events - plus their engagement, how can you not love them. Also, she is the only other girl... Makes things easier...
Then there is sweet sweet DC. God - still - I could marry him. (Of course, I realize the insanity if even suggesting this.) We shared an early morning rendez vous on the deck this morning...While the rest of the cottage slept. Drinking coffee and Bailey's watching the day start. I swear this will be our retirement plan... Punk rock, hash and plants... He is perfect.

Next is the Jerk. I love him like he is family. Well, really that statement could be rewritten minus the word "like" and it makes more sense. Some days I think he is so far off the deep end, that no one can save him, then I remember that he is the one that will one day save us all. Just don't know how it will happen yet. Porno - he is strange cat, but thru 20 - 30 cab rides of getting-to-know-you-sessions... You know he is a great human being... And you can't help but love that... Plus he is quite funny at times. It took some time for me to decide that he is cool with me. He doesn't act like it much, but he doesn't with anyone I suspect... And the porno 'stash? Come on, anyone who can sport it in 2006 and not look bad... Has to be a keeper.
And last, and certainly not least - the final link in our own little group of Seven... What will I call him? He is DC's little bro and the Jerk's roommate. So you can understand my dilemma with him. Everywhere. He and I didn't connect. He is weirdo and I am weirdo. I have a wall around me, but his is made of carbon fiber or titanium. Maybe that will be his name, he works with metal and machines... Titanium it is. He is a part of everything. I see him and have known him more than any of the others ( aside from the Jerk) - yet we are the most awkward. But since one day, my children will call him uncle - I feel the need to work on our relationship now. ( Still know that I won't have his bro's kids... But leave me to my punk rock fantasies.)
I thought that if I cannot make him love me - then this will never work.

Then this weekend... I realized. He already does. We are all in a huge love-in right now... And it is working.

We all went up to the brothers' cottage in Georgian Bay. It was awesomely fantastic. We drank so much, played cards, ate cottage food... There was even a dog wandering about. Nora is a cute cute 6 mth old lab. And I love her.
The Jerk, due to a previous engagement, could not come. It was weird for me to go to this overnight event without him, my safety net. I knew it would be fine, but sometimes you just want your solid to be there. Just in case. And I had never done anything without him.
I always refer to this group as "your friends" when talking to my dear dear friend. Cuz they all were his friends first. He doesn't care for this, and talks about how I have to get over it and realize that I am in, I am family. DC has backed this up if I mention my hesitations... Still my nature is to stay behind the wall.
Well, now I am willing to admit this. For the final brick has fallen. Titanium broke... Though while completely intoxicated. Sometimes you need that though... He was touchy, huggy, pure if you will.. If only for 35 seconds, twice in the night.

I have new friends. We are suddenly ( or not so suddenly)close.
BL isn't part of the circle, and he is one of my best friends of nearly 16 years. And this is the first time I can recall that we aren't traveling in the same circle. Of course, our small circle, along with vw, rikolicious and myself - will always be the base. It is just the way it is... Bams too I guess. But we don't live in the same town... So a girl has to occupy herself. And my past has shown that hanging out with Fags all the time, is counter productive in this girls plan of life.

Cottage.
So needed it.
So nice.
No sirens, no phone service, no stress, aside from my liquor running out.
Boats all over, pellets all over, beer cans, all over.

PS Watching boys with no shirts on, firing BB guns at Cans while drunk - though a cliche, is super hot.
PPS - probably going to the weekly baseball game to harass Bookworm a little... Only if I have time, as Loverboy is coming over for some one-on-one face time.