Why Don't you find out for yourself.....

...then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass... and that is just the way it goes.

Morrissey had it right.

I can't see the glass until I find out for myself. I have found out for myself now... and I am sad to see the truth. I pretty much figured I had no chance with the Dreamweaver, not at all, and now I know this to be true.

He doesn't even see me like the other girls. I was never a contender at all. I was just grasping at straws I guess. Just wanted to see things that were innocent and commonplace. You know, a friendly gesture gets misconstrewed as whatever I want it to be... the present being one. He was just being nice cuz we hung out a couple times.

Sometimes Love is just not enough.

Love is a strange thing. Sometimes even before it becomes love - because it can't be love if it isn't a mutual feeling. It is still a strange thing. You would think that at this moment I would be happy, riding high on my latest event with the Dreamweaver. But no, I am here in misery, perhaps now with the full understanding that he is completely oblivious to my feelings for him.

I don't know. I am too afraid to ruin our new little arrangement, because I figure it can go no where if he knows my full intentions at this time. This may be a misguided thought process, that there is a good time for me to make some sort of move that represents the sign he needs to fall in love with me. It may never come, this perverbial right time. I think his clear interest in Strawberry shortcake ( regardless of her lack of interest back to him) - well they may not be the only thing obstrucking our love of all loves.

He bought me a bottle of liquor for Christmas. He wrote a little note, that he signed "love, dreamweaver" ( names have been changed to protect the identity of my muse). I know that he doesn't love me. Not the way I want him too. Is it even love that I want, really I just want some affection, and if that turns into love, then that is all the better.

I doubt he really loves me as a friend at all. We have only been really spending any quality time together for two months, less if you remove drunken parties. I am not attempting to sound pathetic at this moment, just writing down all the possibilities so I can correctly access things. Evalute the situation, with trying to remove myself from the facts to have some objective vison.

Our mutual friend really doesn't think he has any clue that i would be interested in more than this half assed friendship i have struck up with him. Though he is just a boy and his opinion is based on nothing of any true fact, I must take it into account.

I must also wait for new years for another chance to see how it all is. Strawberry shortcake will also be there, as will bookworm. I am sure it will end as a huge disaster. But I will be looking my best, even went out and bought a new outfit for the occasion. It is semiformal afterall.

Night night Bloggie.

P.S. The pic attached is supposed to represent the pining for a love that can never be. Go see this movie if you ever felt life is just too hard. This proves that life is nearly impossible and sometimes love is just not enough. Open minds people. Open minds.

In Limbo....again

If I was a pacer. I would be pacing right now. Not because there is some terrible personal tragedy that I am working through. I didn't lose my job, my best friend doesn't have cancer ( knock on wood), no one has died and no one said a hurtful word to me.

Yet I feel this anxiety - or maybe it is just frustration.

I recently touched myself in a special place, Judy Blume style- if you know what I mean, and I actually moaned the name of the boy I was thinking of at the time. I became so shocked by my pure letting-go moment that I immediately disbanded activities and went to bed.

It's not that my fantasies haven't gotten away from me before - I recall one time I shouted out to no one at a bus shelter, imagining a conversation I saw coming in the future. The embarrassment tripled when I saw the startled woman behind me waiting in the shelter doors. At the time, I must have seemed to be the craziest girl she had seen in some days...She must of thought I totally had gone off the deep end.
I know this is not the same thing, but I almost had the same feeling of shock of letting-go. I am not a girl who readily shows her emotions. I pride myself, sadly, in the idea that people have no idea of who I actually am. I like the idea that people only get to know the real me when I see fit. I know this speaks to control issues, and I occasionally entertain the idea that I should be more open. Afterall, the person I shield from the minions of earth's army of darkness are actually the ones that are going be the ones that save me....

Back to the point, until that moment, I didn't really think I still carried any sort of torch for the Dreamweaver. I thought I had laid that pipe dream to waste, deciding that his current job was not a road I wanted to go back down, that he wasn't going to be my white horsemen in the night. He could be - he gets high and plays star wars on the xbox. Its not even the new xbox. My god - how gauche.

I now am lying to myself that all the boys aren't just a distraction. I want more. For the first time in a long time, I have come to the conclusion that I want a boyfriend.
There. I have said it.
And I mean it.

Now all I can do is stop waiting and go out and get him.
All I have to do is get off the pot, or at least try to get him off it long enough to see I am the girl to keep him warm through the cold Canadian winter.

Dream Over?

I think I may able to put this dog to rest. The Dreamweaver is dream over. At least for the time being. I found him rather non-responsive in our last conversation. There are many factors in my decision that may seem a little quick - but I don't think this is the time after all to explore our current star of the blog.

I know that him being under the influence of 3 solid days of video games and steady stream of pot can make him seem a little less like the boy I have come to adore. The point being that I don't know that I want to spend my time with someone who would do nothing but play video games for 3 days solid. It seems a little wasteful. Oh no, the Judge has arrived.

But I still adore him.

I know that it is probably pointless. He is too oblivious to my greatness to fall for me. I can tell he doesn't realize the specialness that I see in him. He is too jaded to even bother seeing me... I get this a lot . I know it is shocking. Who doesn't want to fuck a fat girl? Seriously?

I know that just because I lost 5 pounds and got a hold of some smiles, it doesn't mean that I have become irresistable to hot downtown boys. It would be nice to know that I had a few of them, or one in particular, think about spending some time.

You know - fall in love and then worry how it will all work out. I am a hopeless romantic in these instances.

Ever since I fell in love with the Skateboarder in 9th grade. I used to write stories all the time where we would become friends in Keyboarding class and then he would fall in love with me. They all were pretty formula. There would always be some travesty event that would make him have to step up to the plate. Come to my rescue in the hall to a mean boy ( I think it was always that bastard Scott - I really hated that guy), or sometimes he would show up at my house after school and be all shy - because he didn't know I loved him already. I would always write some stupid dinner in that I was making for the family - and it would end up burning - we would have to put out the fire, and somehow we would end up kissing... you see where all this is going. It was all so "sweet valley high" on account that it was all that I read for an entire summer when I moved to Toronto and didn't know anyone....

Don't tell anyone I was this ridiculous please. I do have an image to uphold.

Back to reality... I have decided to lie low regardign the Dreamweaver situation. I know I will see him in three weeks - worst case scenario. It would be good to have some distance from my immediate lustable boy. I need to see if he is still this perfection that I have built up in my mind. I suspect he won't be - but that is being too negative now isn't it.

Dream On.....Dream weaver

I find myself at a crossroads when I think about my life and where I am and where I want to be. I know I have two distinct paths to chose from - yet I stand here. I feel so naked inside. I am so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I choose not to choose. I know in my heart that it is the stupidest choice - yet I still keep on doing it... Doing nothing.

I don't know why I started down this path of none choicing. Where did it start -and more importantly why - but it has become the one true thing I ve come to regret. I feel it holding me down everyday. Standing on my chest - sometimes it is all I can do to just breathe.

I know it is dramatic to say such things - but if I don't truly see me for what I am, and not what I think I portray, then how can I grow? How can I make the choice to move at least one step, the hardest step of all.

I have been feeling myself evolving lately - preparing for my new way. Nearly on the cusp of that first step. I know that first step has got to be Dreamweaver - one way or another. I don't even know how it came to be that it will be him - but it has. I think it may have just been the time, or maybe fate, if such things really do exist at all.
We, to me, have a connection - that he can see me for what I am - and he isn't terrified. Like we have some unspoken understanding that we are who we are - and we are going to be o.k. with it. Regardless how odd it is for the both of us. Or at least this is what I hope he is feeling everytime he looks into my eyes.
Its not that I haven't been close to another person before. Loverboy being the glaring example of this, but I am different than I was then. It is a brand new day over here.

I know that there is a chance that he doesn't want to explore this life with me - that I am just a distraction from a fucked up world. That there is solace in something that seems to be so easy. That being our new friendship, and not much further in his mind. But I don't think I can go through the standing-by-and-feeling-this-way-thing again.

Besides - I know that he must have something going on when it comes to me... Thurs night was too great. I wanted to write magical - but my cynicism refuses such notions. At least today.

Something is happening - and I have to take my step - before the road closes up on me. And I know that can happen - it is just realizing the moment and taking a hold of it.

Luck to me.

Dream Weaver

Well- here is my story. Simple and true.

I have been working on his guy for weeks. We are party friends. We have consistent;y seen each other - and had very pleasant conversations. For a couple years now. I didn't pay much attention - on account of book worm - and my insanity.

DreamWeaver and I have had a meeting of the minds . We have so much in common. And every conversation seems to be easy breezy.

Two weeks ago we met at our mutual friend's birthday party. It was great. We spent lots of time talking about music ( my specialty) and it flowed so well. I even drunkenly tried to pretend to play bad pool. It was more life drunken playing.... Not bad playing, but he spent time teaching me the keys of it all. How could a girl who was so smitten argue?

I invited me to a party at my place the next week. He didn't show ( due to a bunch of circumstances), but all the same he walked me home to a cab that night. I thought ti was good - but he didn;t get in the cab with me. I figured it was cuz i was too drunk or something.

He never showed to the party ... But he was going to...But our mutual friend ruined it with his own impatience - another story altogether.

Fast forward to the party tonight. He was a "white Mr T"/ Taxi Driver etc. I was a horn fortune teller. Hallowe;en in case you missed it.

We talked and drank the night away. Talking about lst time we met. I admitted my pool skills... he said he just wanted me to learn something.
It was great as always. It slowly became time to go. I hinted we could take a cab - book worm advised me that he would join us (boo). We left with some other folk... the three of us got into a cab. I thought it was a bad sign- but when bookworm got out... he said where too.

I advised him and suggested that since it was so out of the way - we could go for a a night cap at my place. He agreed. It seemed good from there.

We got back to my place... after I had touched his leg many times = in the cab. We talked and drank and did other unmetionables - but no futher touching activities.

We talked and had a great time. What gets me is that we have so much in common it is really insanity. We could truly be on the same track.... if only we had each other to guide the others way.

He spends like 45 minutes at my place... and leaves. HE LEAVES... mumbling about having to go out of town the next morning.....
And he leaves.
What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do to iniate things? Help me people - because I am apparently stupid.

How do you go from - do you want a drink to do you want a blow job?

How - cuz I missed the boat it seems,'
he is hot. It would have been a coo for sure.

New Boy

FULL MOON FEVER HAS STRUCK ME HARD.

I have met a new boy to make my heart beat closer and faster to death. I don't care though. He is a fantastic boy. I must admit, I haven't been this smitten since well Loverboy - but that is a bad comparison. We will just forget about that for now, ok?

I think I will call him Dreamweaver - since I did nothing but dream of him last night. Which is a sign in itself as I seldom dream of boys I like.

I think I should take a step back - because it sounds like I am in love or something ridiculous like that. And that is not the case.

Dreamweaver is a friend of a friend. I love this friend and his sausage parties and his friends. They are called sausage parties on account that 80 percent of the guests at his parties are boys. And about half of those boys are not currently dating anyone special.

It is a virtually untapped market of boys. The guys who manage to hook up with girls, are always meeting friends of friends. These are not the boys who run into women at bars, clubs or the libraries. These boys play sports with all the other guys, and have house parties all the time. My friend has been getting me on the the invite lists for years - and I thank his so much for this. There are the Highlight of the Toronto house party scene. Well for me they are.

Now I call him a new boy. But I have known him for years by now. I just never thought there was anything worth exploring with him. I never got the vibe off of him.... You know. The conversations were great - but there wasn't a spark. There once was an incident ( two parties ago) where he seemed very interested in what I had to say. It was almost creepy for me - perhaps that I am not so used to this much attention from a significantly pretty straight man. I made the mistake of talking to our mutual friend and asking what is with the weird guy. I was reamed out for being so judgmental and perhaps he just wants to get to know me better - because I am so great. Of course I didn't believe this reasoning at all. Boys don't know how other boys can be.
But being the progressive female that I am, I did heed my friends words. I spent some time at the last party with Dreamweaver and discovered he and I can have some great conversations. We even seem to like similar things. How progressive indeed.

Fast forward to the mutual friends birthday party. Not a house party. For some reason, he chooses to celebrate his birthday, every year, at a Firkin. Not so bad. Really. Pool was free. Whatever.

So Dreamweaver was mildly attentive for most of the evening... Then he became intensely attentive, once my token fag date and another friend abandon me for the gay ghetto. We played some pool... At this stage - I must advise you that there was a lot of drinking going on at these festivities. I got a little too tipsy. And didn't notice until it was too late - just how tipsy I was. I had some pool issues of the worst kind, I even had to correct some bad footing and save myself from an embarrassing spill in the pool room of this Firkin. (That would have been Firkin sad. And Firkin embarrassing.) Therefore I will warn you that the rest of this issue is based partially in reality and partially in a shady, hazy mind.

He and I settle into some pool - and on account of my poor skills ( and vodka induced hand-to-eye coordination), he kept showing me on how to follow through on my shots. This means being in close proximity to my person. Moving my fingers into positions, and being so close I could smell his soft smoky breath. Of course, the problem wasn't my dexterity , but a girl goes along with this sort of attention from a boy with some sexy sexy ways about him.

We spent the rest of the night together, smoking and playing pool. There was not awkward moments. There was plenty of eye contact and smiles. Even a long, playfully argumentative chat on punk rock and the dead milkmen. I really started to look at this Dreamweaver and envision us together. His hands on me, holding me.

I don't always add these cavets of my dream world as some things are sacred and too private to publish on this page. Regardless of the fact that no one ever reads them. So please take the following paragraphs seriously into consideration. Don't judge me for being a lost little girl.

As I sit here listening to old school Canadian EMO originators bands - I want this Dreamweaver to be someone special in my world. I sense a calm in him that makes me want to do more in the world. Just so long as he will hold me in his arms and kiss my hair.

I know that really a lot of this feeling is coming from the double vodka sodas I was injecting at a feverish pace. Beyond the inebriation - I know there is more. I just haven't had the time to gage more.

He left the bar with me and walked up the street with me. I thought this was going well, then at the corner he stopped and hugged me. A farewell hug only. We did establish that we would be seeing each other for the next two weekends. ( Hallowe'en party season is upon us). Then he was gone. I didn't see if he looked back, I was still wondering why he was gone so quickly.

Maybe I am imagining nothing instead of this great chemistry. We will see.

P.S. Bookworm was there. I have now seen the error of my ways in him. I see him for what he is.... And that is not the boy for me ... Not even for a little while. I did take pleasure in him noticing me with Dreamweaver though. I liked how he was attempting to be touchy with me - and I didn't respond at all. Small victory for me. Trust me - not the big picture.

Maybe my full moon dreams will be filled with love with the Dreamweaver. Here's hoping.

BigBoy

Well, the trip north was eventful. As it always is... and due to some unforseen circumstances - it was an extended trip this time. I thought this would be a great thing - based on Bigboy's responses the first night we met up... little did I know he had a different plan.

Just in case you are not up to date - I have been carrying on a wonderful FTF ( Friends that Fuck) relationship with Big Boy for over 14 years. Whenever we were unattached and bored - well you can imagine ... we started as teens. The energy was there. It seemed to work out for some time - but that was to be only in the past it seems.

I had some trouble locating him this trip ( as per the usual). I managed to finally find him after I had been in town for 4 days. He called me and said he would be home later on and that I was expected to arrive by the end of the night. Sounds good to me.

I show up with party favours and drinks. It goes great. We accidentally get completely trashed and watch some movies. We soon found ourselves with roving hands all about. It was like we hadn't missed a beat. Only he seems to have gotten better than from memory. I stay the night and we go for breakfast.
I decide that since we are in town - we should be free to do this again. It seems to go well. But of course I decide to become ridiculous. But let me explain that first.
I had an emotional family emergency while there. Mom had a heart attack right before we are to leave. Scary stuff. She is recovering well now though.
Down by the river - in a borrowed car - we sit and talk for hours and indulge in poutine. it is a great night... we look at the stars... etc. I can't seem to find the courage to iniate things... my mind is elsewhere. Finally instead of a physical movement... I start talking. (this is the horrible part).
Even though i know what our friendship is, and really have no interest in pursuing anything more that what we have - I start asking Bigboy for clarification on what we are doing. Immediately realizing what is a realtime nightmare - I quickly begin to back peddle and apologize for my insanity.

Too late though. The awkward moment has begun. He even tries to lighten things up by talking about how awkward it is suddenly. I quickly drive him home and apologize.
Both of us know the damage has been done.

I lay low for a few days. Tend to the hospital business and visit safe people ( see family only). Then i find myself alone in a hotel room and calling him. "come stay in a hotel with you - sure". I am thankful that all seems well - for now.

We again drink and watch movies - where he is safe on the other bed in the room. Of course - we manage to make it to one bed. But he refuses my kisses.
This is where it gets from bad to worse.

The conversation turns to how he says we can't have sex any more. He feels that it is a crutch in our friendship... then he starts to tell me how he hasn't felt the same about the sex for sometime. Like he was doing it to maintain the friendship. That he thought we had to have sex or I would not be his friend anymore.

Now I know he sounds a little nuts . What man turns down non-complicated, non-commital acts of sex? But then again - I managed to complicate it in a 3 minute conversation by the river.

We have maintained the same conversations as before - since my return to the big smoke. I have taken upon myself to help him thru his other emotional crises. And of course - I have to prove that i will still be his friend beyond the sexual relationship.... but i miss the sex. I won't lie. Maybe things will change next year for the annual visit.

you never know.

Moose Hunting

Well - the concert is actually tomorrow... But BONO will wait for me. He is good like that.

So where were were... oh yes ... the summer.

Let me begin by saying that I am attempting to rediscover my self sexually. I have been doing things that are out of character for me. And I think that I am growing as a person for it. I may have been a little more free than than normal - maybe even lowered the standards a bit in one case... but I am thinking of it as an experimentation and growth experience. This is my disclaimer... please keep it in mind.

Moose

I am choosing to write this in red as a showing of the passion we could have had. Moose was a boy ( man child if you will) who I met on the internet. Now before you decide I am a whack job for trying to find fufillment on the internet - please understand that I have an uncle who has sucessfully met and fallen in love with some one from the internet. It can happen. It didn't in this case... but it can happen. Besides where the hell are all the funny, hot, straight men in toronto anyways? They are certainly not at the gay dance clubs. So give me a break for trying.

Anyways. He was a one date wonder that I messed up by giving into passion. We met and had dinner and talked and talked and talked. We had so much in common and there was an attraction. IT was KISMIT... but then it went bad. I tried to avoid... i walked to his car with him ( since I live only a half a block away)... he wanted to walk me home. We sat OUTSIDE for another hour at least talking...

He had me meeting his mom. Had us going on dates where we went to movies, concerts, trips and other things. He went on about how he thought this would never happen to him. He had some body image issues I suggest to you... unwarranted really comparitively to the world.

I gave in and invited him up "to see my place". Well as you can imagine... no sooner than 15 minutes later... there was touching of an NC17 kind.

It wasnt magical though. There were some technical issues.... due to us both being of the larger kind. We could have worked thru that... if he coulda standed the pressure... but he couldn't and he petered out - Literally. When it was done - no one got anywhere and he was uncomfortable. The sex ruined an otherwise great summer.

This should be a lesson to you all. Sex can be both a dealmaker and a dealbreaker.

Still have to update on trip to the north ...and to BIGBOY... oh and of course Arafat ( that that one)

L8er

Going to See U2.

Well Well, here we are again. Of course you may have noticed that I haven't been around at all lately. If anyone actually reads this Blog that is. Either way - I/m back. What can I tell you? I am going to a U2 CONCERT tomorrow night. Isn't that just fantastical. I am so excited. I cannot wait. 4 yrs is too long to have to wait. They are so mind blowing live. Regardless of the fact if you are a fan or not. They pull all the stops to make sure that people feel their money is well spent. Oh and I am going with Loverboy and his girl. Imagine the fun that will be...

Update on Love

Things have been progressing at a leisurely pace. I have some updates.

The Miner

The Miner is a good man. And he seems to finally have found his good woman. At least until they break up... or get married!! She is a girl who went to high school with us. She was rumoured to have hooked up with the English teacher - but who knows if that is true or not. Oh wait - they had a kid together - I forgot! Anyways... I know I never really wanted the Miner anyways... just thinking about setting with someone who would not make me puke. Turns out them in love will make me puke. He is charming the pants off of her literally. Heatseeker was a little pissed about it. But who is surprised about that. She is always far away until someone else wants the man - then she wants back in. Oh the games.

Loverboy

Well what can I say? I will always love him. He was the one in so many ways... but never could be the one. Or maybe he coulda been - but wasn't because it wasn't meant to be. Either way - his girl is a nut. She is wacky like the tobacc-y that she smokes constantly. Who can smoke all day and still function? I don't get it at all. And who cries when you can't have it all the time. Loverboy doesn't seem to mind that much - but he is in love.. or so he says. I don't know why I invited him and his girl to the concert. It will be all crazy if they start swapping spit in my presence. I should never invited them... or at least brought a date myself... Book worm or someone like that.

BookWorm

Bookworm... why did I ever think that this was an option. I know he poured it on thick in the beginning. Kissing me on new years. Walking me to a cab - asking if i was going to be ok toget home. He was the one who wanted home... my home. my warm wet home. Then nothing forever... Then all the trips to his bookstore. Then buying the books... his offering of "coffee or something" sometime. Then he takes off to Paris for a month... then nothing. I thought it was fine anyways at the time since he talks over people and then decides to tell them what they are really saying. He was definitely too showy for me.

I was totally forgetting he even existed... until I got some dumb ass cryptic text message one day... talking about " and like a the creature for the black lagoon he surfaced". WTF? Who does this ninny think he is? Then I decided to invite him to my housewarming party ( got a roomie by the way - but more about fagboy later). Bookworm then invites me to a birthday for the buddhist. Of course I accept. What a bad idea. This guy with his mixed signals. He was cooler than ice with me. NO more of the casual touches... no more hugs with meaning.
Now i know I am a fat girl and all... but what is this. Did we break up already/did i not get the chance to know? I tell you... this guy just wants me to want him or something. But he isn't John cusack or anything. There is nothing complex about him at all.

Tomorrow is the story of BIGBOY and the summer of sex ( but no love).

Where is the love? I wanna know.

Nice Lady.

Time Flies.. when you are having no fun!

Well, months and months have passed. I know you are dying to know what happened. What happened to BigBoy, The Miner and Loverboy?

That is what I want to know.... what happened to the terrible trio.

Played it all wrong... but really it was all good in the end. Loverboy and I are talking more - I am so not as bitter as I was. What can you do- after 7 years - we all need our Dirty-little-low-down-pissy-bitter times - how else can we reflect on the truth within. That there is no way I am perfect or even right most of the time.
All I can do is try to get around without any deep scars and not cause too many either. Loverboy is a good man. His girlfriend ( Kittylovergirl from now on) is just a normal as I am. Well if that is normal at all. Too bad though... wouldhave been so much better if she was mentally estranged from the Planet.

Big Boy> I barley saw him on that last trip up north. We spent like 4 hours ... and I was there only to satisfy the lust in my heart (and stickier places).
I realized this and made the hasty exit before I made a huge error in judgement. I can't do it that anymore it seems. Too bad - my fruitful youth was a lifetime to be reckoned with. Bigboy has a lot of issues and I don't think he will ever get over 'em. Too bad. Such a nice, gentle BIG boy!!!

The Miner. Well, this chapter will never close. We had a horrible visit last summer. It culminated with my dear dear friend ( the heatseeker - if you will) - and the Miner having a little bout of sex on the couch - while I rested my pretty little eyes in the next room. There was a period of time where it was wierd... but now it all good. I suspect that the heatseeker is a little too 'wildchild' for the ultra conservative Miner.

Regardless I didn't really have any emotions regarding this act - so I came to realize that the Miner and I are not meant to be more than good friends. We just don't do it for each other... not at all. Good to know that now at least.
Tah tah for Now....

ps. Of course I haven't even mentioned my new pursuit... Bookworm.

But that will be for later.

Nice Lady