Why can't I get that Hoe Down?

I have spent the last couple days thinking about this party I went to on the weekend. I hadn't thought about updating here... As my drunken blog of that night was enough. That is kinda a lie though. I just didn't want to write down the hard stuff.

These couple of days I have turned over the night over and over. Trying to figure out a couple of things:

1. Was Bookworm's behaviour warranted? Does he realize what he did was wrong? Was he doing anything wrong at all? Was he just upgrading? 2. Why didn't I take that boy home.

Now, the deal with Bookworm is simple. Awhile back he suggested all these events we would do. Then I called to confirm one, and he didn't call back. Then this party. I was pissed at him for treating me this way. I hate how people don't call back about plans... Especially when it was their idea to begin with. It is like being pushed down a tier in the friendship circle. It is just rude. So, I didn't really pay any attention to BW at this party. I actually spent as little time as possible near him. It seems that this didn't matter to him at all, as he spent the whole night talking to some other girl.
This is when I realized that all the tricks he was pulling on me - all this time- were acts of flirtations. I came to this discovery as I watched him do these things with this new girl. So, right in front of me, a week later, he does this.
a.Does this make him an asshole?
b.Did I not give him the attention he desired beforehand? I don't think this is it - cuz he didn't fucking call back.
c.Did he see a way of upgrading to a better girl? ( not really better, but maybe in his mind a better option)

I think a and c apply here. Nice guy my ass. This is the exact reason I hated him before. Stupid Bookworm. I AM GLAD I STOLE HIS WHIP.

The new boy.

He isn't really going to be a new boy. He was just an event that has thrown me in a whirlwind of inner searching. He is more representative of my dating life until now. The hows and whys of my failures if you will.

His name? I don't want to even make one up. His name is Max. He is 20. He suggested he go home with me. He held my hand and kissed me softly on the cheek.

I let him go. Leave - probably never to see him again. I assume that is the best bet - since it could never work. Thirteen years? I got my period before he was born.

See - this is the problem I think. I thought about it too much and decided against it. I don't understand why having a good night with this boy would have been so horrible. We got along and laughed most of the night. He had this schtick about how he was a pimp who worked for me - and I keep him in line. It was funny. He had an accent... Calling me Mama. Now I hate being called Mama. It makes me feel gross... And fatter ( if that is even possible). Stigmas kill me.

Strangely, when I told some of my female friends of this term of endearment, they thought it was sexy. They were girls who date black guys mostly. I think it is a cultural thing maybe.

The point is this. This guy found me attractive enough to say "When that hat leaves, I hope this hat is leaving too". Ohwait. That makes no sense to you does it?

I had a cowboy hat on, as everyone else did. Cowboy,Hodown party. Max had a hat too, but not a cowboy hat. A purple Pimp hat ( he is different it seems). I left it on the fridge, cuz it was too hot. I was "leaving" a few times and would say good bye. But never left and kept meeting up with Max again. I just said simply..." When you see that hat on the fridge gone, I am gone". That is when he pointed first to my hat, said the first part of his line, then pointed to his own hat for the latter.
Back to my point. All I had to do is call a cab and it was done. I couldn't do it. It is like some internal nightmare I cast upon myself to refuse things I deserve.
I deserve the affection of an attractive boy.
I don't have to wait for someone to come along who is more suited to me. I am stupid and sick inside. This is what I have been thinking about.

This boy was most likely a one-off... I can't say I am pining for him or anything. Just wondering what is my problem. I know what the problem is ... Just have to move on to the next level, the cure.

***************************************************
Oh just as an aside. I have cancelled two invitations to go over the Dreamweavers place. He is disappointed. I have to be better with him. Poor guy. Trying so hard to be a better man.

I am not the lady you would think.

You Are 20% Lady

You're a pretty crass, and even a bit crude on occasion. Manners don't matter to you, but they sure matter to those around you.

Are You A Lady?

That sure clears things up. Good for me.

Note: please disregard this entry.

will further deny the following :

a. Bookworm is a bastard.

b. Dreamweaver is a better friend than bookworm.

c. Jerk is a complicated man.

d. Titanium and I progressed into friends at this party. I liked that.

e. I have realized that bookworm sucks for so many reasons. And that will never change.

f. A twenty year old hottie, who was terribly interesting, offered me something shocking. Himself. And I refused it.

g. I am dumb.

h. I woke up and found a leather whip in my bedroom. what a strange thing to find. Bookworm is not getting it back. Cuz he sucks.

I have spent time avoiding this entry. I read a bunch of other people's blogs, commenting randomly. I flipped through vanity fair, amazed on how Kate Moss is every third picture. (Cocaine use sure didn't slow her career down one bit.) I did the dishes. I talked to my little friends on the phone. And now I am here.

I just don't want to write how I think I had this whole Bookworm thing wrong. I left him a message about our movie date 2.5 days ago. And nothing. No call, no text. No cancellation. Nothing. Ignorance is bliss for him?
It is truly one of two things:
1. He doesn't really want to explore the life I first thought. So, not calling me back, is no big deal. Also - maybe he thinks because I called him to go to the movie he suggested ( 3 times!!) that I want more? And he doesn't?

2. He is the slowest moving man in the history of time? Doesn't want to rush things by going out on an actual date after 3 years?

I should call him tomorrow... But I don't have a reason, aside from being pissy that he didn't at least call to say he couldn't make it.

This birthday party for his sister, that she invited me to, is going to suck now.
( I do exaggerate and assume things are worse than they are - it is true - but that is what I do best - clairvoyance if you will)

ps. I found this site that cracks me up. Here is the photo and website. **Beware of "gallery" as there are some nudes... but read his main page.

www.sethescort.com

Testing, Testing, Anyone out there?

You know what? I feel like a test pattern. The same picture, every day, and it changes for a little while, but it always comes back to the test pattern. Once 2am shows up, it is stagnant colour stripes and that horrid piercing whine of "no programming". That is who I am. Fucking Test Pattern.

Apparently, Bookworm is as well.

Of course, the seething anger that I feel at this moment is fresh, from my long rainy cab ride home from His party, and it may even pass as quickly as it arrived. My mind is my own worst enemy. Time to churn things over. And this is when I come to object of my anger. It's me. I am the test pattern. I try to change my ways, because obviously, they fail me. Granted, everytime they do get a little better. But in the end, I am the same stupid toneless blob of colour that graces the TV screen everynight at 2am.

The party was decent, not a lot of people I knew - which was weird. But I did know a few of the guys from Baseball. A couple I knew from previous parties, a girl I had heard lots about, but never met before and of course, Porno and Titanium came by, and that was comforting.

So my test pattern issue.

I now know I want this guy. It has started. I get nervous about our meetings, I can't look him in the eye, I get quiet.
This is the problem. When I like him, I pull back. Terrified that he will know I like him. This is what I do, it is always the way I have been and I don't get it.
I need a sign. And it can't be something casual, like coming over at a party and putting his arm around me. I need a blatant sign that says " someday I want to be inside you, can we start working towards that now". Of course, just saying these words as is, won't do - a little too crass. And I apologize for putting them here.

I saw some good things happen today. I got a wink, a cheers silently from across the party. He was attentive to me and not as touchy as with the other girls... Which is good, as the other girl I was worried about was there... The one that other people want to hook him up with.. But there was no chemistry going on that I saw.

I did get the arm around me thing - only I killed that badly. I was smoking and had a drink in hand. I didn't want my smoke to bother him, so I kinda didn't stay in the position. It was good in the end though, cuz we both did this awkward thing with our hands touching, at our sides, and it was nearly a hand hold. Oh god. I am 13 again.
See, why can't we just do something. We are both so terrified of people in our personal areas.
Finding out our secrets.

He mentioned that he thought I wasn't coming. On account of the Jerk being out of town, and since he is my solid, Bookworm assumed I wouldn't show.

He has been paying attention to me though it seems.
People don't notice my weird stranger thing, or at least they don't realize that is why it is happening. He does, and he mentioned it. I think it is because, he has it too.

Again, he mentioned that he hasn't met my roommate yet. This is odd to me as nearly everyone else had already. Also odd since my roommate is one of my closest friends of all time. He wants an invite for dinner. I think I should do something about this.

The good bye was lame and empty. Of course, it was late, we were a little drunk, and it was in front of Titanium.

I would like to hold hands or something stupid. Move this along, but I think I have to wait for him to do it. Not just cuz I am a freak who can't put herself out on the line, but because I think that is how this guy operates.
I just need to get this moving in the right direction, and try a new pattern - this test one is old and broken.

Here we go again....

Yeah, so went to play cards last night - and guess who didn't show? Bookworm of course. I texted him and got no reply. I swear he is just trying to kill me slowly.

Was a nice night overall though. Farewell night for a girl moving out to BC for a bit. We got an expensive champagne ( Veuve if you care) and had cupcakes. DW showed up ... with the previously creepy guy, and it was nice. Seen that guy lots this week.

Drank too much Champagne and left early with the girls. Home and in bed by 2. Not so bad for a Friday night.

Got invited to a Hallowe'en bash. Starting early this year it seems.

Today sucks if you ask me.

Have a good one.

How the tables have turned.

There are some things I just don't like to admit. Sometimes they are stupid things. Like sometimes I get caught dancing at my desk by my co-worker. Or I like to wear pink panties, but never pink clothes on the outside - cuz pink is lame and weak. Or I like toilet humour - a lot. I can't admit these things, and will even go so far to mock others who do and like the same things. It is silly and childish. But I do it.
I am a closet romantic. I love cheesy movies, sappy songs and romantic boys. Everyone thinks I like hard, bad boys who are rough and tumble and fresh from a fight. I do portray a personality like this, but true be told, it isn't me.
I want a man to bring me flowers and cuddle with me while I cry over Bell Commercials and dancing bears in captivity... and the whole time, he is crooning Bryan Adams songs to me - just me.

Why am I rambling about this now? Good question. I think it is because I went out with a friend last night... and somewhere between the first drink and the cheesecake we shared, it became a date.
Of course, due the a brute force of irony... I didn't find out if it was a date. And all this what if - ing has culminated in a massive romantic day dream. I shall explain.

I am having a rough day at work - coming back after nearly two weeks off - horrible getting back into the groove.

My cell rings. It is Bookworm. He has returned from Oz and wants to meet for drinks. I welcome the time to catch up, and just have something to look forward to and the end of this horrid day.

I secretly wonder if he will invite anyone to join us. The last time he called and asked me out, by the time I arrived, DW was there and joined us. At the time I was delighted, in light of my massive crush of 2005. But when I arrive at our chosen location, he arrives alone... and we sit.

He has suggested a place that I am fond of, and he knows this, and it is a darker place. Romancy- maybe not - but full of secuded booths, wierd music and poor lighting.

We begin to catch up and talk about our holidays with family and how they are all crazy. He seems to be very attentive and caring regarding some of my stories, even goes so far as to hold out his hand for me to place mine on it.. and gently squeezes it.
I always enjoy talking to him, as we never run out of things to talk about. We have a fair amount of common interests but have had very different life experiences. Makes for fresh talk.
I start to notice how his boyish smile is actually much more attractive than I remembered. How did I miss that? Oh wait, our conversation has taken a wierd twist while I was attending to the features on his face...
We are talking about the kind of woman he needs, the man I need. Hey wait, is he kinda describing me? A woman to challenge him, to argue with him? Yes, that sure the fuck is me. What's that, you say, you want a strong woman who says what she thinks? My god, how many times has that bitten me in the ass. Can this really be our conversation?
There are more things of interest that we talk about, we get into a debate as to whether it is better to improve yourself before you fall in love, or use love to spring board you to better things? I saw his point, being that you should do it for yourself - but I felt he needed to know I believe that love entails you wanting to be a better person for not only yourself, but for your love. It is just right. It was a delicious debate none the less. I cannot do it justice at this moment.
Then the conversation veers back to family. He talks about how he wants me to go to dinner at his mother's to meet her. Why does he want me to meet his mother? That seems like a 7th date sort of thing. Only we aren't dating.

We talk about Al Gore a bit. We both have an interest in American Politics. He is part American ( don't hold that against him) and I just find it interesting in its complexity. He asks if I have seen Gore's movie yet. I haven't of course, cuz everyone I know already saw it. He says we should go see it. Why that is a movie date maybe. After the mother thing, it has more value than just a movie. Could be stretching to see what I want here... but with all the rest of the things... well. who knows.

Then the strange ironic moment calls. DW calls and comes and joins us. Strangely familiar. I access and decide this is not part of the plan. BW seems slightly disappointed, but a friend in need...etc. He is too good to refuse. DW got dumped the night before ( oh by the way, he was at my house on the phone when it happened).

So there I am, with the two most frustrating, facinating, confusing boys I know. Well, there are others who are just the same, you know who you are Jerk, but that is neither here nor there.

The night goes on, it is good. We tend to the wounded puppy. He is so sad that he got dumped.

Time for a cigarette, which I have been denying myself, as BW is a reformed smoker, and I know he hates that I smoke. But DW smokes too, so I feel safety in numbers. BW says he will stay and guard the table, and I just suggest he just come, no one is going to steal our empty pitcher.
We go outside and he holds out his arm so I can nuzzle in his shoulder for a minute. Almost declaring me if you will. He has issue with my previous infatution for sure. I accept his attention for a minute and pull away as I don't want to smoke on him.

Later, we go to Bookworms house, so the boys can smoke a little something special. Have another drink and play with the neighbours dog. It is nice.
Hugs goodbye all around and a cab home. His last comment of the night is how he will see me on Friday at the card game.

I plan on asking when our "movie date" will be.

Higher Power = Joker

Life is strange stuff. It is almost like there is a higher power at work, and that power is really a joker. She/He likes to play tricks and throw a little sugar in the gas tank sometimes.

I met a boy. He is funny, sexy, smart and quite normal. Of course, he has his faults, one being that he is a goth. Goth will be his name. Overall though, he is the most compatible person I have met in a long time. I feel no nervousness, only joy when we talk. And this is impressive, as nearly everyone leaves me feeling uncomfortable at times ( my issue, not theirs). Now here is the catch.

He lives in an another town. Sure it is only about an hour down the road. Only, neither of us own a car.
I don't think I will be pursuing this based on this alone. Which is totally sad - as he has some lovely attributes that I wanted to explore.

For the Masses

Here you go Climber.

I have a story to tell as well, but am tired and must go... but Bookworm and DW... my have the tables turned.

That is for later.

This is my Tattoo:

Easy Like Sunday (Monday) Morning

Earlier this year, I made a statement that this was going to be the summer of the drink. I was going to attempt to spend the summer sipping away on alcohol beverages. It seems I am doing well with this. Consider it an experiment in socialization.

Last night we went to the Annex. The Annex is a little area of Toronto where you can find all walks of life and people. It is located near U of T so you get some of the frats. It is also just north of China town and between Korea town and Yorkville and south of Forrest Hill. Lots of Potheads around too. It is the Casual part of Toronto - if you know what I mean? There are a couple clubs, but they are mostly bars or pubs. Back in the day - this was the area you went to get your heroine (if you liked that sort of thing). Good Falafels too. Lots of kitchy little stores with boxes and porcelain elephants for sale. Cheaper drinks and food. Second hand stores, head shops.

Went out with the Jerk, Porno and the lesbian. Tommy Lee also showed up.

Tommy Lee
OK so it isn't really Tommy Lee - but he is certainly a lookalike. Only he is still young, and doesn't look all weathered like the Drummer. It is debatable if you ask me, but the claim is that he is the hottest man in this group of boys. And this is what the boys tell me. I haven't really thought this to be true before, I may be changing my tune though. I find that the more I talk to him, the more attractive he becomes. There was some incident where I patted his leg in conversation, and his response was "no like this" and he motioned higher up on his thigh. I of course followed his lead. He said that at his age (30 I think), he was ok with asking for what he wants... It made me a little hot I must say. He also gives good hug as well. It was a good night. We checked out the bar for a bit to see if we could find Porno a woman to love. This was entertaining as he is super shy and everytime I blatantly pointed out a girl, he would get all intense and ask me not to point. Sitting with us, he isn't going to fall in love. This is my point. It is strange though, TL also was looking, but too shy to talk to the girls at the next table. I find this amazing. Even hot guys have a hard time approaching their love interests. Makes me feel a little better I guess.
TL starts talking about Bookworm and strawberry shortcake ( remember her?). TL and the Jerk used to be close, but when the Jerk and his beloved broke up, there were ties that were severed - it is always hard right? It was good for Jerk to hear some gossip and such from his "others". It seems that Bookworm is in the middle of some 17 year crush on Strawberry Shortcake (here we go again- See DW). She has a child, did I ever mention that? And this is where the trouble begins. TL suggests that Bookworm babysits all the time for SSC in order to get closer and be a father figure to the child. I always thought it was just nice that he helped out all the time. He is very good with the little Tyke. You don't see a single guy so into kids all the time. It is part of my interest in finding more out about Bookworm. Him and the kid - interesting dynamic. TL says it is all coming to a head now - and there may be some fall out. And SSC's current boyfriend doesn't like how Bookworm acts and is around. Boys will be boys it seems.
I haven't seen Bookworm in weeks and weeks. I texted him from my vacation, as I had a dream he broke his arm. And he replied back that he would call when he returned from his trip to the ranch (?), providing he could use his arms!! I don't know if he will be at baseball today. Doubt it. That is fine though, DW is going, and DC too I think. And TL, fresh off surgery, will also be a spectator. Lots of people around to talk too... I guess I should be going, have to make some park friendly drinks for the day.

Vacation is over today. Have to go back to work tomorrow. :(

There are so many things that I want to say today. Here are a few :

1/ My cousin is seperating from her Husband. They have 3 kids.
2/ Smurf ( of Smurf and Smurfette fame) is gay.
3/ I got a new tattoo.
4/ DW missed me while I was gone.
5/ Bookworm misses me ( he is in Kansas now)
6/ The Miner is divorcing again ( yes - he just got married in June)
7/ My mother is annoying after 6 days in a car.
8/ I got too drunk last night to go to a cottage today with DC and Titantium.
9/ There is a spider web on my airconditioner in my bedroom (EW!)
10/ Al Gore, or any talk about politics, the environment or the war is outside my cousin's "bubble". Or so she tells me.
11/ It is too nice to stay inside.