You watch a lot of TV? I watch a lot of TV. I download it, PVR (TIVO) it, watch it live... whatever the medium the result is the same. I watch shows about some murderous, dire or general crime story-line with characters who lead complicated lives, have damaged souls and are perpetually swinging between loneliness and destructive relationships. I identify well with these characters... and it makes me feel better to know I am not alone in my constant daily reminders that I am not good.
I am not good.
I certainly don't know how to deal with the fallout that is occurring in my life right now. I revert to what I know best, if you are mean or funny-mean... people can't get in. It's a full proof plan. No one wants to get in if you aren't nice. I don't even realize I do it until it's done. And even once it is brought to my attention... if I fail at another method, you know nice... I revert to stupid harshness.
Jared Leto... oh Mr. Leto... it's been awhile since I cared this much... so much that it doesn't even matter if we have a fall wedding, or a first date for that matter. I just want it to be better, like it was before.
This new stage is so fucking painful to go through. It is so obvious that we are both in a hell when in the same room... only if we are truly so drunk that it doesn't matter - can we even function.
Thursday was one thing... him just ignoring me for the first part of the night then total chaos is the only way to explain that night changed. It only too him to get drunker than I have ever seen him... and then it was kinda ok.... so long as I am not mean to him any more. Lots of kind words, and the hope that all is normal again.
Last night was worse in that we were both into the drink by the time we got to the same room, mind you it was his house with family in it... which was just kinda odd. After the family left... it just turned to awkward chunks of time coupled with minutes of nervous chat, then more awkward chunks.
The part that makes it worse, is that we both seem lost in how to recapture the friendship that has grown over the months and months we have spent in the same room arguing about Alx Rose, football vs. everything else and who is enabling who in the world.... I am just as much to blame... I literally stopped drinking anything but water and trying to find an icebreaker in my mind to magically make it all easier to breathe...
Even at the end of the night, I was the only person left hug less... keep in mind - that the night before this... I got tonnes of hugs and he even kissed my head good bye... (of course we were blindly drunk at the time). Now to be fair... he did thank me for coming and hoped I would come back again soon... said all rather gentlemanly....
All in all... I am impatient and cannot stand the complete lack of control in this situation. I made it worse today... by sending a stupid text... trying to be funny, but upon reflection, may sound rude or mean yet again.
I am beginning to think that there is no way to save this... and in the end... distant acquaintances is all we will get in the end. Again, not because that is what we want... but that is all we can muster.
I don't want to be Gregory House, but I think I am already there.
12.14.2008
11.16.2008
Not so Easy Like Sunday Morning...
The Jerk has ruined me for a few days. Of course - I do appreciate his honest opinion... as I did ask for it. I just don't care for his opinion. It offers no hope. Although part of me does agree with him, but then there is that mushy romantic... waiting for him to show up with that ghetto blaster (is ghetto blaster a racist term> anyone? anyone?) a la Lloyd Dobler and show his naked side... Jared, not the Jerk... in case I confused.
Ok so the Jerk and I go for our therapeutic brunch as we typically do. We talk of things we don't normally speak of in mixed company. I feel it is probably one of the most pivotal rituals to our relationship. I can talk to him about whatever, and he is almost willing to talk about things that we not speak of. Today I selfishly talked about Jared Leto... as I am still all messy about Thursday night. And the subsequent phone call I received yesterday which causes me to believe it will be another "I don't know what you are talking about, that didn't happen" situation.
I tell the Jerk about the phone call.... Here is a quick replay:
Jared - "Ya, so what is the name of that place we go? Gabby's? I want to call and find out if they are playing the UFC fight"
Me - 'It's actually called Toby's and they are playing the fight"
J- 'Oh it's not a Gabbys.. you sure?'
Me - 'Ya, I am sure. I guess you are not coming to the Birthday Party?' (It's my best friends b-day)
J -' No, I doubt it... but say Happy Birthday.... PAUSE ....I gotta go.'
Me - 'um....ok...'
J - 'Bye.'
This is the entireity of our phone call... after the most intense night we spent together. No references... no "I really had a good time", no "hey when you want to go for your dinner" not even "we shouldn't drink so much"... nothing. Like the entire night never happened.
This leads me to believe he won't mention, or admit to any of that event occuring. Which means it is all for nothing... those were the best circumstances I could hope for... when will we be out again alone? Not like that.
Now for the Jerk's response... I ask him about the phone call ... and he just waves it all off. 'Doesn't matter ...' This is what he says.
Why Jerk?
'Cuz he is so broken, he doesn't even know what he wants... so how can he decide to do something? When he doesn't seem to even know if he wants it. Lost cause. Give up...'
And then he goes back to adding hot sauce to his eggs benny.
Then later he adds... 'your interest in him confuses me'... This is where I cut in... 'why cuz he doesn't look like that guy?' This is when I point to the hot bartender at Sneaky Dees where we are brunching. A lovely boy, mid- to late 20's ... Tall, thin - lanky really best describes him... Jerk ' Ya'.
Of course, this is when we both go on about Jared and how we both really like the guy in general. I briefy update Jerk on Jared's questions about Jerk... "How is he doing, is he ok" etc.
You see- Jared is onto a big secret that the Jerk has recently let me in on. Of course, this is not my forum to out my friend about something so personal or important... but due to circumstances... I have to let you in on it a bit.
Of the few times the three of us have hung out, Jared has become aware that something is off about my Jerk ... as he has been witness to two very distictly off situations... One was no big deal... but the other - well it made things obvious that there is something going on.
But being the man that I have come to crush on like no other in recent years, he doesn't straight up ask me ... he just always asks general questions.
So I have to update Jerk... cuz sooner or later a third incident will occur... and I will probably have to say something to stop Jared from talking about it in mixed company again. Though I do hope that this event will perhaps convince my Jerk to talk to people...
Enough of that...
So - here is my unrealistic hope based on this Phone call last night... He wants to say something, do something... just doesn't quite know how 'to get it done'. But he's gonna work on it... and we will have a fall wedding... in his team colours... and we will go to Poland for our honeymoon - maybe a stop over in Florida... depends on how much time I can get off work...
You like it? I do. That Jerk is jaded. Don't listen to him.
Ok so the Jerk and I go for our therapeutic brunch as we typically do. We talk of things we don't normally speak of in mixed company. I feel it is probably one of the most pivotal rituals to our relationship. I can talk to him about whatever, and he is almost willing to talk about things that we not speak of. Today I selfishly talked about Jared Leto... as I am still all messy about Thursday night. And the subsequent phone call I received yesterday which causes me to believe it will be another "I don't know what you are talking about, that didn't happen" situation.
I tell the Jerk about the phone call.... Here is a quick replay:
Jared - "Ya, so what is the name of that place we go? Gabby's? I want to call and find out if they are playing the UFC fight"
Me - 'It's actually called Toby's and they are playing the fight"
J- 'Oh it's not a Gabbys.. you sure?'
Me - 'Ya, I am sure. I guess you are not coming to the Birthday Party?' (It's my best friends b-day)
J -' No, I doubt it... but say Happy Birthday.... PAUSE ....I gotta go.'
Me - 'um....ok...'
J - 'Bye.'
This is the entireity of our phone call... after the most intense night we spent together. No references... no "I really had a good time", no "hey when you want to go for your dinner" not even "we shouldn't drink so much"... nothing. Like the entire night never happened.
This leads me to believe he won't mention, or admit to any of that event occuring. Which means it is all for nothing... those were the best circumstances I could hope for... when will we be out again alone? Not like that.
Now for the Jerk's response... I ask him about the phone call ... and he just waves it all off. 'Doesn't matter ...' This is what he says.
Why Jerk?
'Cuz he is so broken, he doesn't even know what he wants... so how can he decide to do something? When he doesn't seem to even know if he wants it. Lost cause. Give up...'
And then he goes back to adding hot sauce to his eggs benny.
Then later he adds... 'your interest in him confuses me'... This is where I cut in... 'why cuz he doesn't look like that guy?' This is when I point to the hot bartender at Sneaky Dees where we are brunching. A lovely boy, mid- to late 20's ... Tall, thin - lanky really best describes him... Jerk ' Ya'.
Of course, this is when we both go on about Jared and how we both really like the guy in general. I briefy update Jerk on Jared's questions about Jerk... "How is he doing, is he ok" etc.
You see- Jared is onto a big secret that the Jerk has recently let me in on. Of course, this is not my forum to out my friend about something so personal or important... but due to circumstances... I have to let you in on it a bit.
Of the few times the three of us have hung out, Jared has become aware that something is off about my Jerk ... as he has been witness to two very distictly off situations... One was no big deal... but the other - well it made things obvious that there is something going on.
But being the man that I have come to crush on like no other in recent years, he doesn't straight up ask me ... he just always asks general questions.
So I have to update Jerk... cuz sooner or later a third incident will occur... and I will probably have to say something to stop Jared from talking about it in mixed company again. Though I do hope that this event will perhaps convince my Jerk to talk to people...
Enough of that...
So - here is my unrealistic hope based on this Phone call last night... He wants to say something, do something... just doesn't quite know how 'to get it done'. But he's gonna work on it... and we will have a fall wedding... in his team colours... and we will go to Poland for our honeymoon - maybe a stop over in Florida... depends on how much time I can get off work...
You like it? I do. That Jerk is jaded. Don't listen to him.
11.14.2008
Cigarettes and Alcohol
I don't even know how to start this entry. My heart is beating a thousand miles a minute. I don't even know what just happened... but I know it happened. This is a drunken blog, I try to avoid it... but I can't this time.
I think there is hope. Where to begin?
Eagles of Death Metal?.... my cousin coming out? Chris the stranger who said he wanted to marry me? Or the subsequent love fest I just experienced.. that nearly proved fatal. I can't even believe that happened. What the fuck was that? Typing this out is the only thing that is stopping me from calling a cab and chasing that boy to his house.
I mean, he knows I love him... so why do that stuff. Jager... Jager makes dreams come true... don't even let anyone tell you otherwise. I am living proof - kinda.
It started innocently. He calls and wants to check out a band, and a good band. Only football is in the way... shocking really (note sarcasm). I say I will go, but meeting later will mean there is no show for us... but who am I? We arrange to meet 3 hours after the doors open for the show.
We arrive seperately - and I find out that the bouncer has sent away my desperate Jared Leto.
We go to another local.. only to discover that the Sultans of String are preforming... and it is a very romantic atmosphere.. Daaaaaaanger! Danger....
We go to a third Bar... that has football on the screen. We arrive just in time for Overtime to start... How long could that last?
The love fest begins... but it is fairly innocent. Lots of I like hanging out with you, I told my dad about you, we are solid you know that right? It's all good and it breaks down to discussing music and trying to figure out (so I just texted him now - sue me)... Clive Owen's name.
Jukebox love happens. I describe my Bryan Adams fetish... I don't care.. that guy screwed a princess... who can say that amongst us?
We have gotten a buzz on by this point - and then Chris finds us. Chris is a stranger who hears us arguing about 'Chinese Democracy'.
We are so entertained by him... he chills with us the rest of the night... telling me he will marry me... and that he doesn't trust Jared. It is all kinda interesting.
This is when I start to notice the touching the grabbing, the hugging.... the "more than usual" actions. Is it because of the drink? The mutual love of our friendship? The man who says he will marry me? Really I don't care... cuz I want it all so bad.
Fast forward to end of night... we make Chris hang out outside with us while we decide if we are going to go anywhere... of course this is dissipates into nothing... Chris leaves us... we decide to go home... only Jared says lets go back to his house. I says I would but only if I have the cash to get home. This is when he says there will be no going home until tomorrow....
Of course I agree...
The cab ride... we get in... he says his address... I am impressed that he is actually going to do this... being the ultimate freak-out and back-out guy. We get to my cross street and he asks me if I am sure.... now I know he is starting to freak out at the idea of me sleeping at his place...I say sure I will go home and direct cab driver... Jared asks me if I am mad.... I just say I want to not end the night yet.
We get to my place... I go to get out my door.. but he won't have it. He wants me to get out on his side... grabs my hand and gets out with me...
This is when he reminds me of "dinner" again. Then he hugs me ... there are some nice words...
Then he is just staring at me... while i stand in from of him. I get a little uncomfortable...cuz all I know is this is where we are supposed to kiss. The moment is there.... I wait....
he comes in again and hugs me again. And asks me if I am going to be OK.... keep in mind... I am fine. By the way..he doesn't even blink... it's like a movie... but i can't bare to make it happen.
I say yes... and say... just pay the cab and come on.... the hug is solid. Makes me a little shaky.
Then he is gone. I am home. I know that something almost happened... if I hadn't looked away all freaked out... if I hadn't let him bail on my going to his place....
Something.
Damn that full moon!!!
I think there is hope. Where to begin?
Eagles of Death Metal?.... my cousin coming out? Chris the stranger who said he wanted to marry me? Or the subsequent love fest I just experienced.. that nearly proved fatal. I can't even believe that happened. What the fuck was that? Typing this out is the only thing that is stopping me from calling a cab and chasing that boy to his house.
I mean, he knows I love him... so why do that stuff. Jager... Jager makes dreams come true... don't even let anyone tell you otherwise. I am living proof - kinda.
It started innocently. He calls and wants to check out a band, and a good band. Only football is in the way... shocking really (note sarcasm). I say I will go, but meeting later will mean there is no show for us... but who am I? We arrange to meet 3 hours after the doors open for the show.
We arrive seperately - and I find out that the bouncer has sent away my desperate Jared Leto.
We go to another local.. only to discover that the Sultans of String are preforming... and it is a very romantic atmosphere.. Daaaaaaanger! Danger....
We go to a third Bar... that has football on the screen. We arrive just in time for Overtime to start... How long could that last?
The love fest begins... but it is fairly innocent. Lots of I like hanging out with you, I told my dad about you, we are solid you know that right? It's all good and it breaks down to discussing music and trying to figure out (so I just texted him now - sue me)... Clive Owen's name.
Jukebox love happens. I describe my Bryan Adams fetish... I don't care.. that guy screwed a princess... who can say that amongst us?
We have gotten a buzz on by this point - and then Chris finds us. Chris is a stranger who hears us arguing about 'Chinese Democracy'.
We are so entertained by him... he chills with us the rest of the night... telling me he will marry me... and that he doesn't trust Jared. It is all kinda interesting.
This is when I start to notice the touching the grabbing, the hugging.... the "more than usual" actions. Is it because of the drink? The mutual love of our friendship? The man who says he will marry me? Really I don't care... cuz I want it all so bad.
Fast forward to end of night... we make Chris hang out outside with us while we decide if we are going to go anywhere... of course this is dissipates into nothing... Chris leaves us... we decide to go home... only Jared says lets go back to his house. I says I would but only if I have the cash to get home. This is when he says there will be no going home until tomorrow....
Of course I agree...
The cab ride... we get in... he says his address... I am impressed that he is actually going to do this... being the ultimate freak-out and back-out guy. We get to my cross street and he asks me if I am sure.... now I know he is starting to freak out at the idea of me sleeping at his place...I say sure I will go home and direct cab driver... Jared asks me if I am mad.... I just say I want to not end the night yet.
We get to my place... I go to get out my door.. but he won't have it. He wants me to get out on his side... grabs my hand and gets out with me...
This is when he reminds me of "dinner" again. Then he hugs me ... there are some nice words...
Then he is just staring at me... while i stand in from of him. I get a little uncomfortable...cuz all I know is this is where we are supposed to kiss. The moment is there.... I wait....
he comes in again and hugs me again. And asks me if I am going to be OK.... keep in mind... I am fine. By the way..he doesn't even blink... it's like a movie... but i can't bare to make it happen.
I say yes... and say... just pay the cab and come on.... the hug is solid. Makes me a little shaky.
Then he is gone. I am home. I know that something almost happened... if I hadn't looked away all freaked out... if I hadn't let him bail on my going to his place....
Something.
Damn that full moon!!!
11.02.2008
Nutshell
Spent an easy day at home... making pasta sauce and doing laundry. Daylight savings has truly motivated me it seems. All remnants of the party of Friday night are essentially gone. The house is back to normal after days of pure mayhem and disorder... not that I mind it in that condition. Its the condition of my mind that I am more concerned about.
Life has become difficult in 2008. It gets harder and harder to avoid the pressure and subsequent loneliness that comes with it. The boys have always been a great temporary distraction from the reality that my life has become.
Haven't spent any time with boys in some time now... more than 2 months. Not for a shortage of opportunities or anything like that... as every week there is a new one popping up that seems decent enough... but they just don't seem to hold my interest to even meet them. They just seem to pale in comparison to my dream of what could be with Mr. Leto. I know that spending all this time with him has come be detrimental to my psyche... but I adore spending the time with him... getting a chance to smell him... to bond. I know he feels it too... he calls me... he never did that before.. and I know he listens to my opinions and comes back to talk about them again... and he went out and bought an album of a group I recommended... and fell in love with it...It's the small things that are building. I wish he could just cross the line a little with me...
I know that spending more time with him won't make him find me attractive to pursue. I just hope that it does. He recently told me about how he went out west and gushed to his friends about my awesomeness. How he wished we all could hang out, and all have a good time together... he admits this is his selfish thought. I like the idea. Just for different reasons.... that fact that he wants me to meet his close friends means something of such great value... more than sex could ever offer, even from him.
Talking to him after the party was winding down, him asking me personal questions ... it just endears me more to him. Cuz now, its different... in that he cares and wants to know about me. Even if it is just out of pure friendship and nothing more - it feels great and I want it all. I want all I can have... and this is the detriment... as nothing else seems as satisfying in my daily life.
I know I sound lame and nothing but bad can come from this... but for those tender private moments of pure connection - I might be willing to wait in vain for a long long time.
Life has become difficult in 2008. It gets harder and harder to avoid the pressure and subsequent loneliness that comes with it. The boys have always been a great temporary distraction from the reality that my life has become.
Haven't spent any time with boys in some time now... more than 2 months. Not for a shortage of opportunities or anything like that... as every week there is a new one popping up that seems decent enough... but they just don't seem to hold my interest to even meet them. They just seem to pale in comparison to my dream of what could be with Mr. Leto. I know that spending all this time with him has come be detrimental to my psyche... but I adore spending the time with him... getting a chance to smell him... to bond. I know he feels it too... he calls me... he never did that before.. and I know he listens to my opinions and comes back to talk about them again... and he went out and bought an album of a group I recommended... and fell in love with it...It's the small things that are building. I wish he could just cross the line a little with me...
I know that spending more time with him won't make him find me attractive to pursue. I just hope that it does. He recently told me about how he went out west and gushed to his friends about my awesomeness. How he wished we all could hang out, and all have a good time together... he admits this is his selfish thought. I like the idea. Just for different reasons.... that fact that he wants me to meet his close friends means something of such great value... more than sex could ever offer, even from him.
Talking to him after the party was winding down, him asking me personal questions ... it just endears me more to him. Cuz now, its different... in that he cares and wants to know about me. Even if it is just out of pure friendship and nothing more - it feels great and I want it all. I want all I can have... and this is the detriment... as nothing else seems as satisfying in my daily life.
I know I sound lame and nothing but bad can come from this... but for those tender private moments of pure connection - I might be willing to wait in vain for a long long time.
10.27.2008
I know... I know...
So here I am again.... telling you about how I want to let go of Jared Leto... and how I know it is impossible... and he just fucks me over again and again.. Only this time... he fucks me over by telling me how important I am to him...
After a night of ill-advised drinking ( it is a school night after all) and some emotional occurrences had by all... he just gets me in the end.
Him telling me that I have become to be such an important person in his life.. that he went out west and just gushed about me to his "solid" friends... it destroys me.
I know he means well, and wants me to know he loves me... without actually telling me he loves me. At one point, he was stuttering out this sentence... and I just stopped him with - " I love you too Jared Leto".
What am I going to do... I adore him. He is so perfect in so many ways - yet it will be impossible to get to the point I want to be.
Oh and he told me that I make him want to be a better man... he said that. I am not even lying.
After a night of ill-advised drinking ( it is a school night after all) and some emotional occurrences had by all... he just gets me in the end.
Him telling me that I have become to be such an important person in his life.. that he went out west and just gushed about me to his "solid" friends... it destroys me.
I know he means well, and wants me to know he loves me... without actually telling me he loves me. At one point, he was stuttering out this sentence... and I just stopped him with - " I love you too Jared Leto".
What am I going to do... I adore him. He is so perfect in so many ways - yet it will be impossible to get to the point I want to be.
Oh and he told me that I make him want to be a better man... he said that. I am not even lying.
10.02.2008
Are there more fish in the sea?
Recently I have come to be aware of a new option in the dating pool. The fisherman. He seems quiet, yet not boring. He is a friend of a friend's cousin or some such connection. I have only really met him twice now. Once, at a birthday party at a bar... where he seemed to watch me and pay to much attention..for a stranger. To be honest, I don't work well in these situations. I am better suited to the chaser, or just not to be chased at all. It's something I need to work on. Needless to say, I ran away that night... and haven't stopped thinking about it.
I have had several other opportunities to meet up in social situations since, but have bailed twice before... partially because of Jared Leto and partially because of my chase-ee issue.
This past weekend I had what was probably my last chance... and of couse I blew it. Jared Leto was at the same party... because I invited him... well I told him about his invitation... and he didn't know enough people to support his socially inept ways... So I ignored my chance to talk to the fisherman and see if there is anything to him... to sit around and get really really drunk with a guy who doesn't seem comfortable with anything more than friendship.
I ignore what could be... for what will never be.
I am trying to remedy it slowly using the illusive facebook wall post... but I doubt I can get it back.
Besides, I was drunk and loud and ignorant. Who wants to date that? No one.
I hate everything and everyone... well not everyone.
I have had several other opportunities to meet up in social situations since, but have bailed twice before... partially because of Jared Leto and partially because of my chase-ee issue.
This past weekend I had what was probably my last chance... and of couse I blew it. Jared Leto was at the same party... because I invited him... well I told him about his invitation... and he didn't know enough people to support his socially inept ways... So I ignored my chance to talk to the fisherman and see if there is anything to him... to sit around and get really really drunk with a guy who doesn't seem comfortable with anything more than friendship.
I ignore what could be... for what will never be.
I am trying to remedy it slowly using the illusive facebook wall post... but I doubt I can get it back.
Besides, I was drunk and loud and ignorant. Who wants to date that? No one.
I hate everything and everyone... well not everyone.
9.09.2008
Who's going to save my soul now?
Well, what can I say... it's been a rather dull summer. I spent most of my summer tending to family obligations, and therefore - was out of town 1/2 of the time virtually.
I haven't found love.
Haven't found a new lover.
Updates:
I still see BiggyJohn and Frankie periodically, don't want cobwebs to appear in abundance ... so have to tidy up from time to time. It's been ok, but with one moved out of town, and the other to move across the country soon... well my options are limited with them both. And truth be told, my heart isn't into it as much as before. I may have to expand my horizons shortly... possibly just to get over my major issue. It is of course, Jared Leto yet again.
At this point, it has been established over many drinks one night, that Jared Leto has no intention of saving my soul. He "has really come to enjoy our friendship", but was never "into me" in that way. Regardless of his foggy memory on certain key events.
As a whole, I feel his reasoning is flawed - and factually incorrect. Of course, pointing these out and proving him wrong will do nothing to bring him to give me his heart.
This is the new problem. I have been left with the awful burden of still spending time with him - but dealing with the reality that what I have now, a good friend who does genuinely care for my well being - and the double reality shot that this is all there is.
I spent about a WEEK thinking this could work. Don't plan events as much, try to keep it all light and breezy... find some new distraction of a tall boy... or man even, you know ... attempt to move on. I figure this was a good plan, and convinced myself it was working.
Then a two-day music festival did nothing but destroy all the work done.
My downfall in all of this is pretending that I don't adore him.
Looking for faults.
Only the only fault that is truly an issue - is that he refuses my affections.
I sadly came to the conclusion that I am hooked, and nothing short of a miracle is going to save my soul... Only miracles are for other people. I don't believe in them, pixies or karma.
I came to this conclusion somewhere in a crowd of 25,000 people as I had the arm of this man around me, singing our hearts out to "wonder wall"... at some point he leans in and whispers something about being so glad we were there or something to that effect, and I nearly lost my breathe in his words and his smell. At this moment, I flashed to the idea I should just lean in and kiss him.
Then quickly refused this notion, as it was an idea born out of beer, weed and enough Bacardi to ruin a friendship I have come to cherish...
I haven't found love.
Haven't found a new lover.
Updates:
I still see BiggyJohn and Frankie periodically, don't want cobwebs to appear in abundance ... so have to tidy up from time to time. It's been ok, but with one moved out of town, and the other to move across the country soon... well my options are limited with them both. And truth be told, my heart isn't into it as much as before. I may have to expand my horizons shortly... possibly just to get over my major issue. It is of course, Jared Leto yet again.
At this point, it has been established over many drinks one night, that Jared Leto has no intention of saving my soul. He "has really come to enjoy our friendship", but was never "into me" in that way. Regardless of his foggy memory on certain key events.
As a whole, I feel his reasoning is flawed - and factually incorrect. Of course, pointing these out and proving him wrong will do nothing to bring him to give me his heart.
This is the new problem. I have been left with the awful burden of still spending time with him - but dealing with the reality that what I have now, a good friend who does genuinely care for my well being - and the double reality shot that this is all there is.
I spent about a WEEK thinking this could work. Don't plan events as much, try to keep it all light and breezy... find some new distraction of a tall boy... or man even, you know ... attempt to move on. I figure this was a good plan, and convinced myself it was working.
Then a two-day music festival did nothing but destroy all the work done.
My downfall in all of this is pretending that I don't adore him.
Looking for faults.
Only the only fault that is truly an issue - is that he refuses my affections.
I sadly came to the conclusion that I am hooked, and nothing short of a miracle is going to save my soul... Only miracles are for other people. I don't believe in them, pixies or karma.
I came to this conclusion somewhere in a crowd of 25,000 people as I had the arm of this man around me, singing our hearts out to "wonder wall"... at some point he leans in and whispers something about being so glad we were there or something to that effect, and I nearly lost my breathe in his words and his smell. At this moment, I flashed to the idea I should just lean in and kiss him.
Then quickly refused this notion, as it was an idea born out of beer, weed and enough Bacardi to ruin a friendship I have come to cherish...
6.30.2008
An Open Letter To Jared Leto
Dear Jared -
The way you behaved tonight is inexcusable. You were an asshole to me. You didn't have to be, I even gave you an out - to be rid of me... so you could continue your shenanigans, but you didn't take it.
I know you love that I like you - want you - whatever you want to call it. I see it. I see you liking it and wanting more. Then it gets to that point where its almost real - and you just bail. That I am used to. Tonight, you crossed the line.
Don't take me out of the club, with all my friends, under the guise of spending time together, then bring some other chick with us - I was just insulted. You know how I feel, Christ even your friend knows my deal, so don't pretend it wasn't all for show. I saw you touching her, yet refusing to give up your phone number to her. It was just a game for you. Once I got mad enough, you got rid of her.
I know I don't own you, but don't put me in the situation. You knew I only went because you talked me into it ... then you bring some fucking chick. And pretend you don't know it's just mean.
I know I need to forget about you. Jared, I probably will now.
It just sucks to know that you aren't uninterested, you are just afraid to do anything about it.
I won't wait. I deserve to be treated better. I won't have it.
The way you behaved tonight is inexcusable. You were an asshole to me. You didn't have to be, I even gave you an out - to be rid of me... so you could continue your shenanigans, but you didn't take it.
I know you love that I like you - want you - whatever you want to call it. I see it. I see you liking it and wanting more. Then it gets to that point where its almost real - and you just bail. That I am used to. Tonight, you crossed the line.
Don't take me out of the club, with all my friends, under the guise of spending time together, then bring some other chick with us - I was just insulted. You know how I feel, Christ even your friend knows my deal, so don't pretend it wasn't all for show. I saw you touching her, yet refusing to give up your phone number to her. It was just a game for you. Once I got mad enough, you got rid of her.
I know I don't own you, but don't put me in the situation. You knew I only went because you talked me into it ... then you bring some fucking chick. And pretend you don't know it's just mean.
I know I need to forget about you. Jared, I probably will now.
It just sucks to know that you aren't uninterested, you are just afraid to do anything about it.
I won't wait. I deserve to be treated better. I won't have it.
6.05.2008
Trying Times
You know it has all been a lot of fun. All the boys, the sex, the excitement. I hope you have also enjoyed my stories over the last year. But all good things must come to an end. This might be the beginning of the end for my chapter in freeness. Or maybe I will be back with a new story next week. That is beauty of everything, nothing ever is a sure thing.
This brings me to the story of Jared Leto. Now - I don't really mean Mr. Jordan Catalano of "my so called life". I could never steal Claire Daines man. She is just too cute. I just have named my friend to protect his identity.. and he kinda looks like Jared Leto...
He is different in that I know him in RW (Real World). He is a past co-worker of my dearest girl friend. He is a weirdo-good guy. Grew up in Middle Canada in a cold death zone we lovingly refer to as "Winnipeg". It is also worth noting... he is 33 and shorter than me... two strikes typically in my selection of boys... but somehow he lives on.
The first night I met him, my birthday (5 months ago now)... he told me I couldn't go to bed, as I hadn't invited him upstairs yet... I found him drunk and crazy... so I really just mocked him a lot. My neighbour witnessed the event and commented "you can do better". I just chalked it up to drunkenness... but could not help but be reminded how I was having a bad time until he showed up. Let's face it. I like them weird... it's my fatal flaw perhaps.
Saw him here and there for a few more parties or events... nothing really exciting to note. He seemed standoffish... nothing really clicking... so I just gave up the notion and returned to my thoughts of big john and Spadercam. At least I know what I am getting with those cats.
Then in the last week... I have had several run ins with Jared Leto and find myself more and more curious of him. Also worth noting, he seems to be rather curious of me... and is doing little things.
There seems to be interest on his part... to get to know me... and occasionally do flirty things. Arms around the shoulder as we walk to a club... telling me that he isn't the dirtbag that he thinks I think he is... once he kinda held hands with me when he segregated me from our group at a different bar. This was after he ordered for me in a restaurant... just drinks... but it was kinda hot.
We talked about family and life - he's moved all over this great country... doing all kinds of crazy things. Condo buying in BC, Rig working in Alberta, waitering in Toronto.... He's interesting.
He is also not consistent in my opinion. Now before I go on... to be fair. I over think things ... A LOT. So I do indulge myself a little too much... at least I have thought about it lots. Isn't that good? That is for another time.
I am not going to bore you with the details of my bad choices of the last few days. Needless to say - I am normally not the girl to be found in some sort of all night, underground Karaoke Bar drinking "JagerBombs" and smoking like it is going out of style... but we all sacrifice for our love once and a while right?
I was happy with the progress early in the evening... jokes, arm around me on the couch... us picking out cool songs for him to sing too... his excellent impression of Axl Rose loosing his mind on a fan~ adorable stuff. Then it kinda stopped. I don't know if it is my complete lack of affection back. It has been the fatal flaw in the past.
The night ended with some hope and a clever comment from him in a cab way to late to acknowledge.
Today I replayed what I could recall. Most of the day I was miserable by the outcome of the night and became convinced that he was an ass and I was going to just give up on his confusing moves and return to my boy project. Worse things could happen.
Then the Jerk and I had a little chat... strange how he is the voice of reason in all of this for me...
He simply pointed out to me that boys are stupid and don't think the same. They can try to get close to you.. and flirt with a waitress... or be hot and cold at the drop of a hat... especially if they aren't getting their desired response.
I am tired, since I didn't sleep so much, stupid Jagerbombs, so I am going to end this. I am going to hold out and see of Jared Leto is going to change my ways or not. I don't know how long I am going to wait... but hopefully it will all work for the best.
Oh and his eyes make me lose my breathe a little... makes me giddy for some reason...
5.02.2008
Spader Cam
Its been awhile and many things have transpired in life. I have had a few lovers, but mostly repeaters. Not a bad thing. I have begun to enjoy the value of knowing some one's body and their wants... it makes for a better time overall.
I have not had a new lover in 7 - 8 months... just the same two or three. It's been good I had a great time. Then it all came crashing down. BiggyJohn was my favourite. A true lover, with passion and grace. Something hard to find in a man who is 6'3 and build like a brickshithouse. He knew parts of me that I hadn't even found by myself. I became enraptured. Too bad I found out that he has a girlfriend.
Facebook will be the death of us all people.
Cheaters can't hide on Facebook, their girlfriends demand relationship status. Until I found out about his girl, I was thinking about talking about upgrading to outside my bedroom dates. Seeing how things went. Disappointing indeed. I don't think I can see him again, I tried after the truth came out... just made me crazy.
Frankie was my other steady. Not as good as a lover as Biggy, but he would do in a pinch. Not too much passion, and was quick to depart. Mind you, he drove in from Burlington, which is nearly an hour... just for me... so I kept on inviting him. Then the night of the parking ticket came up. I told him to park in the street, as my neighbour hogged the garage. I would pay the $30 ticket, after all... the price of gas made it fair. Only dear Frankie parks in front of a fire hydrant. 100$ later... we have a fight in the street at 4 am.
He has confirmed to me that Chivalry is dead. He doesn't want to split the ticket, he wants me to pay for his mistake. Idiot. Now after 9 months, I can't even fathom talking to him at all. He is now just a loser who won't admit his own errors. Yelling at me about how I should know my street better. Who parks in front of a fire hydrant.?? Idiot.
Which brings me to SpaderCam. He is a gentle boy of 6'3 and gorgeous red hair. He is adorable and charming. He doesn't realize his charms of course, which makes him all the better. He has been over twice, once last September, and tonight. He says he was too shy to come back before, and he even stood me up - because of cold feet.
He is playful and so excited to be naked with me. It makes it all the better to have someone who is just as excited as I am... to be playing around. There is no egos, no attitudes, and most importantly, no expectations. Just and equal opportunity event. Everyone comes out happy, and it almost feels like whatever Normal would
be.
Even after, we giggle and chat and everything is calm and easy. Nothing too intense, just a normal easy conversation about life.
I doubt I will hear from him anytime soon, though. I think he feels inexperienced, after all... he is a little younger than my preferences. I think he is now 23. He also says he hasn't had any experiences with girls other than me since we last met.
I would adore to spend more time with him, he kisses like he loves me. Yet I know otherwise. Doesn't matter, cuz when the candles are lit, no one talks about how they aren't in love.
Until later. Just had to write down before I forget why SpaderCam is my only current hope to prove that Chivalry isn't dead after all.
A lot of pressure, so don't tell him... might scare him off for another six months.
I have not had a new lover in 7 - 8 months... just the same two or three. It's been good I had a great time. Then it all came crashing down. BiggyJohn was my favourite. A true lover, with passion and grace. Something hard to find in a man who is 6'3 and build like a brickshithouse. He knew parts of me that I hadn't even found by myself. I became enraptured. Too bad I found out that he has a girlfriend.
Facebook will be the death of us all people.
Cheaters can't hide on Facebook, their girlfriends demand relationship status. Until I found out about his girl, I was thinking about talking about upgrading to outside my bedroom dates. Seeing how things went. Disappointing indeed. I don't think I can see him again, I tried after the truth came out... just made me crazy.
Frankie was my other steady. Not as good as a lover as Biggy, but he would do in a pinch. Not too much passion, and was quick to depart. Mind you, he drove in from Burlington, which is nearly an hour... just for me... so I kept on inviting him. Then the night of the parking ticket came up. I told him to park in the street, as my neighbour hogged the garage. I would pay the $30 ticket, after all... the price of gas made it fair. Only dear Frankie parks in front of a fire hydrant. 100$ later... we have a fight in the street at 4 am.
He has confirmed to me that Chivalry is dead. He doesn't want to split the ticket, he wants me to pay for his mistake. Idiot. Now after 9 months, I can't even fathom talking to him at all. He is now just a loser who won't admit his own errors. Yelling at me about how I should know my street better. Who parks in front of a fire hydrant.?? Idiot.
Which brings me to SpaderCam. He is a gentle boy of 6'3 and gorgeous red hair. He is adorable and charming. He doesn't realize his charms of course, which makes him all the better. He has been over twice, once last September, and tonight. He says he was too shy to come back before, and he even stood me up - because of cold feet.
He is playful and so excited to be naked with me. It makes it all the better to have someone who is just as excited as I am... to be playing around. There is no egos, no attitudes, and most importantly, no expectations. Just and equal opportunity event. Everyone comes out happy, and it almost feels like whatever Normal would
be.Even after, we giggle and chat and everything is calm and easy. Nothing too intense, just a normal easy conversation about life.
I doubt I will hear from him anytime soon, though. I think he feels inexperienced, after all... he is a little younger than my preferences. I think he is now 23. He also says he hasn't had any experiences with girls other than me since we last met.
I would adore to spend more time with him, he kisses like he loves me. Yet I know otherwise. Doesn't matter, cuz when the candles are lit, no one talks about how they aren't in love.
Until later. Just had to write down before I forget why SpaderCam is my only current hope to prove that Chivalry isn't dead after all.
A lot of pressure, so don't tell him... might scare him off for another six months.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)