As the year comes to a close, I think back to what a wacky year it has been. Lots of things happened, and at the same time, nothing really happened.
The past couple days since Christmas have been weird, family is in a mess as my Uncle has been expelled from his 7th home in 9 months. He has nowhere to live, and is staying at my normal uncle's place right now. This is just a bad scene as again, someone is going to clean up his mess for him. Bastard. I feel so bad for the boy ( his 14 yr old stepson)... that kid is going to so remember his wacky upbringing and it might well ruin him. Too bad, cuz he is a good kid and all.
I have been woken up in the middle of the night two nights in a row, just so that old friends who are drunk can tell me I am awesome. People - I know I am awesome, but could you put it in a card? Email? how about a phone call in daylight hours? I would like that.... mind you, it was fun to get these calls again. I kinda miss Loverboy's rants in the middle of the night. Some of my favourite phone calls happen at night... so whatever. Make your calls - I take it back. I am just getting too old to hear the phone every time ( sorry Crackers- missed it).
BL comes home from Timmins today. He seemed to have had a good time, maybe too good of a time? I don't know, but maybe. I am glad he is coming home, even if he does leave tomorrow for a cottage for a few days. It is quite with just me, Bruce the angry cat, and my air purifier rumbling about the apartment. Thank god my loser uncle and his wife aren't at my house, I would most likely kill them or myself - I have tonnes of patience for my mom's craziness - but not much for uncles antics. After all... I am not 5 anymore.
12.29.2006
As the year comes to a close, I think back to what a wacky year it has been. Lots of things happened, and at the same time, nothing really happened.
The past couple days since Christmas have been weird, family is in a mess as my Uncle has been expelled from his 7th home in 9 months. He has nowhere to live, and is staying at my normal uncle's place right now. This is just a bad scene as again, someone is going to clean up his mess for him. Bastard. I feel so bad for the boy ( his 14 yr old stepson)... that kid is going to so remember his wacky upbringing and it might well ruin him. Too bad, cuz he is a good kid and all.
I have been woken up in the middle of the night two nights in a row, just so that old friends who are drunk can tell me I am awesome. People - I know I am awesome, but could you put it in a card? Email? how about a phone call in daylight hours? I would like that.... mind you, it was fun to get these calls again. I kinda miss Loverboy's rants in the middle of the night. Some of my favourite phone calls happen at night... so whatever. Make your calls - I take it back. I am just getting too old to hear the phone every time ( sorry Crackers- missed it).
BL comes home from Timmins today. He seemed to have had a good time, maybe too good of a time? I don't know, but maybe. I am glad he is coming home, even if he does leave tomorrow for a cottage for a few days. It is quite with just me, Bruce the angry cat, and my air purifier rumbling about the apartment. Thank god my loser uncle and his wife aren't at my house, I would most likely kill them or myself - I have tonnes of patience for my mom's craziness - but not much for uncles antics. After all... I am not 5 anymore.
The past couple days since Christmas have been weird, family is in a mess as my Uncle has been expelled from his 7th home in 9 months. He has nowhere to live, and is staying at my normal uncle's place right now. This is just a bad scene as again, someone is going to clean up his mess for him. Bastard. I feel so bad for the boy ( his 14 yr old stepson)... that kid is going to so remember his wacky upbringing and it might well ruin him. Too bad, cuz he is a good kid and all.
I have been woken up in the middle of the night two nights in a row, just so that old friends who are drunk can tell me I am awesome. People - I know I am awesome, but could you put it in a card? Email? how about a phone call in daylight hours? I would like that.... mind you, it was fun to get these calls again. I kinda miss Loverboy's rants in the middle of the night. Some of my favourite phone calls happen at night... so whatever. Make your calls - I take it back. I am just getting too old to hear the phone every time ( sorry Crackers- missed it).
BL comes home from Timmins today. He seemed to have had a good time, maybe too good of a time? I don't know, but maybe. I am glad he is coming home, even if he does leave tomorrow for a cottage for a few days. It is quite with just me, Bruce the angry cat, and my air purifier rumbling about the apartment. Thank god my loser uncle and his wife aren't at my house, I would most likely kill them or myself - I have tonnes of patience for my mom's craziness - but not much for uncles antics. After all... I am not 5 anymore.
12.21.2006
Santa knows if you've been bad or good.
Hey -it's me. I am bored at work. Listening to old Nirvana on my work computer. Presents wrapped, except for the gifts I haven't bought yet. Don't want to work. Did my annual review all day. That stopped the boredom.
My boss ( nice one is back from Mat leave) - took me to a fancy ballroom in the Bay on Queen street. Arcadian Court or something. It was cool to eat in a room with 30 feet Chandliers and stuff. Old ladies wear too much perfume, but it was a good time we had.
I am tired of shopping and wrapping and celebrating. I am going to hide at home tonight and watch TV and eat peanut butter sandwiches in my pjs with my cat, and hopefully my roommate. He leaves for Timmins tomorrow. I leave for the Falls on Saturday. The cat should live for the 3 nights I am leaving him. I know it is only supposed to be 2 - I am horrible... but there is really no one to come and take care of him. Maybe loverboy? i haven't asked him yet. Maybe I will tonight in my forgetting the world exists for a day.
It seems like the mature thing to do. I think I want a cheeseburger too. I just want to go home.
Someone just cut the power off here in my Tower at work. Just do it for me Santa.
I will be good for at least 3 days after this.
My boss ( nice one is back from Mat leave) - took me to a fancy ballroom in the Bay on Queen street. Arcadian Court or something. It was cool to eat in a room with 30 feet Chandliers and stuff. Old ladies wear too much perfume, but it was a good time we had.
I am tired of shopping and wrapping and celebrating. I am going to hide at home tonight and watch TV and eat peanut butter sandwiches in my pjs with my cat, and hopefully my roommate. He leaves for Timmins tomorrow. I leave for the Falls on Saturday. The cat should live for the 3 nights I am leaving him. I know it is only supposed to be 2 - I am horrible... but there is really no one to come and take care of him. Maybe loverboy? i haven't asked him yet. Maybe I will tonight in my forgetting the world exists for a day.
It seems like the mature thing to do. I think I want a cheeseburger too. I just want to go home.
Someone just cut the power off here in my Tower at work. Just do it for me Santa.
I will be good for at least 3 days after this.
12.18.2006
Christmas is coming, Are you prepared?
You will have to excuse my recent rant of sadness. Sometimes I get really sad - that was just a rough day at the end of a rough week in what could only be called a rough season.
I am not so sad anymore, I am not crying as much - which is good. Cuz I am so the anti-crying type person.
Things have been good in the last few days. I have been out shopping, wrapping gifts, making plans for the holidays. Keeping busy is always the key.
I worked the door for my roommate and his business partner for a night at a club. It was pretty interesting...
Since some stupid poster gurl didn't show - there was no advertisement. This is a problem as the club is out of the general area - and is relatively new. People just don't know to come way down Church street on a Sunday night. They have to be led by the hand.
It was looking pretty bleak - at 11 pm we got out 2nd customer. Terrified the boys looked in their DJ booth. Sad too. Which is just too bad - cuz seriously, they are awesome at getting the party started.
Then things changed. A friend of the boys showed up... He is this cute little Madonna Lover who is some sort of curator for a art gallery down on Queen street. This boy is fabulous in the gayest sense. He knows everyone in town, he is the life of the party, and he is brilliant at everything he does. He has the Midas touch.
It turns out he was at some fancy holiday party at Carlu. Carlu is this super high end establishment. It is made for the nouveau riche, and the old money. I have never stepped inside the doors, and will most likely never find the opportunity. This is the place Donald Trump would go when he comes to town.
So our little galleryboy talked up all the people at Carlu who were looking for a jumping party. Scotch and scallops is alright for a schmoozfest... But sometimes a gay power man just wants to dance and drink and see cute boys....
So - within about 20- 25 minutes... 35 men climbed into the place. And somehow, other people not associated with the crew also showed up... It was a party.
It was nice to see everyone having a good time. I even had my own moment.
I went out to have a smoke and sat on the bench of the neighbouring Irish pub. Some guy comes pouring out of the pub and lights a smoke and just starts talking to me. I quickly realize he is a little wasted. It is ok though, as he is funny and kinda cute. We get into some conversation about small towns, it seems he is from one too.
I am entertained by him and he makes me laugh, but I have to get back to my station as "spickett" is manning my door and I feel guilting taking up her time. So I say goodnight and disappear.
I get back to the door and like 2 minutes later, he is there talking to me. He came upstairs to ask my name and tell me that I am sexy. I was smitten immediately of course.
Anyways, he left, and didn't ask me for a phone number - and this made me a little confused. He comes up, just to introduce himself and find out my name, tells me that he thinks I am hot, and leaves.
My friend the Jerk claims that he probably chickened out and that was it. How can that be- when the hardest part would have been to come up?
Regardless - I don't work that door again for 5 -6 weeks. And, will he be drinking again on a Sunday night? He seemed to be a bit of a regular... I guess if fate will have it... it will be so.
Only 6 more shopping days folks...
I am not so sad anymore, I am not crying as much - which is good. Cuz I am so the anti-crying type person.
Things have been good in the last few days. I have been out shopping, wrapping gifts, making plans for the holidays. Keeping busy is always the key.
I worked the door for my roommate and his business partner for a night at a club. It was pretty interesting...
Since some stupid poster gurl didn't show - there was no advertisement. This is a problem as the club is out of the general area - and is relatively new. People just don't know to come way down Church street on a Sunday night. They have to be led by the hand.
It was looking pretty bleak - at 11 pm we got out 2nd customer. Terrified the boys looked in their DJ booth. Sad too. Which is just too bad - cuz seriously, they are awesome at getting the party started.
Then things changed. A friend of the boys showed up... He is this cute little Madonna Lover who is some sort of curator for a art gallery down on Queen street. This boy is fabulous in the gayest sense. He knows everyone in town, he is the life of the party, and he is brilliant at everything he does. He has the Midas touch.
It turns out he was at some fancy holiday party at Carlu. Carlu is this super high end establishment. It is made for the nouveau riche, and the old money. I have never stepped inside the doors, and will most likely never find the opportunity. This is the place Donald Trump would go when he comes to town.
So our little galleryboy talked up all the people at Carlu who were looking for a jumping party. Scotch and scallops is alright for a schmoozfest... But sometimes a gay power man just wants to dance and drink and see cute boys....
So - within about 20- 25 minutes... 35 men climbed into the place. And somehow, other people not associated with the crew also showed up... It was a party.
It was nice to see everyone having a good time. I even had my own moment.
I went out to have a smoke and sat on the bench of the neighbouring Irish pub. Some guy comes pouring out of the pub and lights a smoke and just starts talking to me. I quickly realize he is a little wasted. It is ok though, as he is funny and kinda cute. We get into some conversation about small towns, it seems he is from one too.
I am entertained by him and he makes me laugh, but I have to get back to my station as "spickett" is manning my door and I feel guilting taking up her time. So I say goodnight and disappear.
I get back to the door and like 2 minutes later, he is there talking to me. He came upstairs to ask my name and tell me that I am sexy. I was smitten immediately of course.
Anyways, he left, and didn't ask me for a phone number - and this made me a little confused. He comes up, just to introduce himself and find out my name, tells me that he thinks I am hot, and leaves.
My friend the Jerk claims that he probably chickened out and that was it. How can that be- when the hardest part would have been to come up?
Regardless - I don't work that door again for 5 -6 weeks. And, will he be drinking again on a Sunday night? He seemed to be a bit of a regular... I guess if fate will have it... it will be so.
Only 6 more shopping days folks...
12.12.2006
Happy Holidays...
I find myself so lost right now. There is just no way out of this full fledged depression I find myself in.
There is no facet of my life that is not riddled with stress. I hate the holidays. I have for some few years... there is no joy at all. Christmas is nothing but stress and work and loneliness. Life is pretty much loneliness these days. Even when everyone is around. Nothing feels good anymore.
I just find myself crying all the time ( being every couple days) - nothing seems to change.
I am broke, my family is becoming steadily one huge invalid. My job is so busy and there is no relief - no help. I just feel like I am going through the motions until... well until nothing. there Is nothing to work for, towards, why?
I just feel like there is no one to talk to about this stuff.
My friends are all concerned and ask me about my dad and how I am... And I appreciate that. I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with them. I see how I have been withdrawing from them all. I just don't see why there is any point to talking about this stuff. Nothing they say or do ( even by just listening) can change this life I have.
And yet, with all this knowledge - I still don't know how to fix it.
I just know I don't want to hear about other people's problems. My cousin called me today to dump all his emotional shit off. I don't get him, he knows my dad is sick and wants to come over and cry because his girlfriend wants to only date him, and not live with him. Oh fucking boo hoo.
My roommate's sis called too. I talked to her - but I avoided any topic that would bring about her talking about her current problems.It all felt so superficial to me. I just didn't want to hear it - which is so unfair. I know this is how I have made myself up - I deal with peoples shit or just listen. It is the personality type I was born with. People like to talk about themselves and their problems... But I just don't want to do it myself.
* please understand that I know that people work out stuff by talking... I am not complaining about others - because I just love them and want to listen... Just not right now. Just not today.
This is just getting stupid... and whiney.
There is no facet of my life that is not riddled with stress. I hate the holidays. I have for some few years... there is no joy at all. Christmas is nothing but stress and work and loneliness. Life is pretty much loneliness these days. Even when everyone is around. Nothing feels good anymore.
I just find myself crying all the time ( being every couple days) - nothing seems to change.
I am broke, my family is becoming steadily one huge invalid. My job is so busy and there is no relief - no help. I just feel like I am going through the motions until... well until nothing. there Is nothing to work for, towards, why?
I just feel like there is no one to talk to about this stuff.
My friends are all concerned and ask me about my dad and how I am... And I appreciate that. I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with them. I see how I have been withdrawing from them all. I just don't see why there is any point to talking about this stuff. Nothing they say or do ( even by just listening) can change this life I have.
And yet, with all this knowledge - I still don't know how to fix it.
I just know I don't want to hear about other people's problems. My cousin called me today to dump all his emotional shit off. I don't get him, he knows my dad is sick and wants to come over and cry because his girlfriend wants to only date him, and not live with him. Oh fucking boo hoo.
My roommate's sis called too. I talked to her - but I avoided any topic that would bring about her talking about her current problems.It all felt so superficial to me. I just didn't want to hear it - which is so unfair. I know this is how I have made myself up - I deal with peoples shit or just listen. It is the personality type I was born with. People like to talk about themselves and their problems... But I just don't want to do it myself.
* please understand that I know that people work out stuff by talking... I am not complaining about others - because I just love them and want to listen... Just not right now. Just not today.
This is just getting stupid... and whiney.
12.05.2006
I am never going to tell you that I don't make mistakes. I do. Hell I make lots of mistakes. It's like all my wisdom and sensibilities go out the window when it comes to myself.
I guess it is true that sometimes you can't see from inside the box what is going on around it. You have to take yourself out of the picture for a bit and gain the perspective. It's just that I can't remove myself from my workplace or home for a few weeks and mull it all over. No chance to reflect and react after a plan has been made. I don't care for this. I am disgruntled with it all.
I have been watching people around me lately and I see their mistakes. Humans are truely pitiful. We get caught up in the wrong things. It is almost like we forget what is important - or maybe we know what is important, but we avoid it - cuz it is too hard to deal with the truth of the matter.
My dad is very sick. He may well be near the end of his life. Now, common sense would suggest that he would try to avoid death by seeking medical attention in a timely fashion, or maybe trying to rest a bit... But no, he decides to take the stubborn fool route instead. Maybe it has a prettier view or something. He avoids the doctor and works himself into a tired state - doing things that don't matter - like painting a wall or fighting over screws for a curtain rod.
I know that it is because he is scared that he is actually dying. I know this is a painful moment to come to in life's journey... but why can't he just take peoples help and concern and just appreciate the time he has?
Why does he have to be an ass about it?
I guess it is true that sometimes you can't see from inside the box what is going on around it. You have to take yourself out of the picture for a bit and gain the perspective. It's just that I can't remove myself from my workplace or home for a few weeks and mull it all over. No chance to reflect and react after a plan has been made. I don't care for this. I am disgruntled with it all.
I have been watching people around me lately and I see their mistakes. Humans are truely pitiful. We get caught up in the wrong things. It is almost like we forget what is important - or maybe we know what is important, but we avoid it - cuz it is too hard to deal with the truth of the matter.
My dad is very sick. He may well be near the end of his life. Now, common sense would suggest that he would try to avoid death by seeking medical attention in a timely fashion, or maybe trying to rest a bit... But no, he decides to take the stubborn fool route instead. Maybe it has a prettier view or something. He avoids the doctor and works himself into a tired state - doing things that don't matter - like painting a wall or fighting over screws for a curtain rod.
I know that it is because he is scared that he is actually dying. I know this is a painful moment to come to in life's journey... but why can't he just take peoples help and concern and just appreciate the time he has?
Why does he have to be an ass about it?
11.30.2006
Impuse Shopping with no credit....
I don't know if I like blogging anymore. I am feeling very internalized lately. There are so few of my friends who know this site, and even fewer who come here to read... yet I don't want to write how I am feeling now. Got to keep it all inside... it is like my own personal mantra.
I know it will be the death of me... anerysm - here we come... in like 12 years or something like that.
I just don't like talking about stuff. I don't like telling people when I fuck up. I don't want to bother people with my problems. And I don't want anything I say to come back to haunt me.
I make so many bad decisions in life. Seriously - the tax problem, the $5000 parking tickets, the not finishing school ( oh if only I meant college)...
If there is a bad decision to make for me - I take it.
It started in like the fourth grade. I was a loser child with barely any friends...I was picked on and made fun of constantly. But there was this one day - where Mrs. Carol left the class and everyone started to taunt Loriann Neilson. Calling her a turtle and such. At the time, I didn't even understand why people were calling her a turtle... i was dumb about this kinda stuff. Anyways, I totally gave in to the moment and started to call her a turtle too ( which is so stupid even now, upon reflection, becuase I didn't even know what I was babbling about - and she was my little friend. Never mean to me ever...)
Of course - Mrs. Carol comes back into the class and sees us all yelling at the poor girl. Me, being the closest to the door, she just glared at. I don't recall what she did to punish the class, but to this day - I remember her angry mouth pursed ..and glaring at me with the eyes of satan.
This little trip down nightmare lane is just and example of my impulse shopping through life. I make an impulse decision - and just go with it... always seemingly to forget the consequences.
Al Evan was another impulse buy. What a virginity breaking mistake that was. It was a party, and the very night I met him... but I got it into my head that I should get over this virginity bullshit. No thought of the tender moment I could have had later on... with someone else. I don't know who it would have been. Would it have been Dave? Somehow I doubt that. But really that would have been a fonder memory. He really cared about me... of course, he got me to impulse buy a criminal record. So - he got his place in my impulse shopping bag of life.
I have tried to curb this lifestyle of just doing things without thinking of the consequences down the road... but I still suffer. I still do stupid things. This work thing. I have really fucked up and now I don't know that I can't get out of it. I can feel how it is making me sick. I am not a child... yet I play childish games.
Fuck.
I know it will be the death of me... anerysm - here we come... in like 12 years or something like that.
I just don't like talking about stuff. I don't like telling people when I fuck up. I don't want to bother people with my problems. And I don't want anything I say to come back to haunt me.
I make so many bad decisions in life. Seriously - the tax problem, the $5000 parking tickets, the not finishing school ( oh if only I meant college)...
If there is a bad decision to make for me - I take it.
It started in like the fourth grade. I was a loser child with barely any friends...I was picked on and made fun of constantly. But there was this one day - where Mrs. Carol left the class and everyone started to taunt Loriann Neilson. Calling her a turtle and such. At the time, I didn't even understand why people were calling her a turtle... i was dumb about this kinda stuff. Anyways, I totally gave in to the moment and started to call her a turtle too ( which is so stupid even now, upon reflection, becuase I didn't even know what I was babbling about - and she was my little friend. Never mean to me ever...)
Of course - Mrs. Carol comes back into the class and sees us all yelling at the poor girl. Me, being the closest to the door, she just glared at. I don't recall what she did to punish the class, but to this day - I remember her angry mouth pursed ..and glaring at me with the eyes of satan.
This little trip down nightmare lane is just and example of my impulse shopping through life. I make an impulse decision - and just go with it... always seemingly to forget the consequences.
Al Evan was another impulse buy. What a virginity breaking mistake that was. It was a party, and the very night I met him... but I got it into my head that I should get over this virginity bullshit. No thought of the tender moment I could have had later on... with someone else. I don't know who it would have been. Would it have been Dave? Somehow I doubt that. But really that would have been a fonder memory. He really cared about me... of course, he got me to impulse buy a criminal record. So - he got his place in my impulse shopping bag of life.
I have tried to curb this lifestyle of just doing things without thinking of the consequences down the road... but I still suffer. I still do stupid things. This work thing. I have really fucked up and now I don't know that I can't get out of it. I can feel how it is making me sick. I am not a child... yet I play childish games.
Fuck.
11.23.2006
Shannon Needs...
If you google “
my friend
What The World Needs Now Is...
Who needs Silicon Valley, we have
Diddy decides that
And my personal favourite:
11.21.2006
Return to Innocence
Haven't been around much at all lately. Been working lots. Every weekend since October has been full... And there is no end in sight. These are busy times. It is good though - I am not bored like I used to be. No time for that.
Last weekend Bam came to town. She is a girl I have known for like 12 years or so - and at one time... I was her legal Guardian. Really this was in name only, as I was only 21 at the time, and not very responsible myself. I tried I guess, but I was so messy myself, it just all ended very badly and I have haboured a lot of guilt over the years about this. I always felt like I let her down, because no one else was going to help her.
Now it is years later, and she is great. She is married, owns a home, graduated from University and is not a licensed teacher. She is great.
And then she came to Toronto for a visit. It was a good weekend. She went out the Friday night with the Roomie - he took her on a tour of gay town. I didn't go as I was going to go to work on Saturday morning while they slept.
It turns out that I started to play some video game ( WORMS ARMAGEDDON if you care) and Bam woke up earlier than expected. She asked what I was playing and if she could try.
We began the video gaming weekend.
She didn't go shopping, I didn't go to work. We played video games all day and ordered in Pizza. We did manage to watch some TV with Roomie for a bit... And also managed to do so drinking too.
Sunday - see Saturday - except we ordered Thai.
It was a weekend of pajamas and liquor and take out food - and of course the Worms. It was great.
We managed to pry ourselves away by the evening, as her Husband returned from some Bachelor Party in the Muskokas. I finally got to meet him and he seems great. I do like him.
It was a lot of bonding and talking this weekend, which was great.
I can't wait for another weekend like this.
Last weekend Bam came to town. She is a girl I have known for like 12 years or so - and at one time... I was her legal Guardian. Really this was in name only, as I was only 21 at the time, and not very responsible myself. I tried I guess, but I was so messy myself, it just all ended very badly and I have haboured a lot of guilt over the years about this. I always felt like I let her down, because no one else was going to help her.
Now it is years later, and she is great. She is married, owns a home, graduated from University and is not a licensed teacher. She is great.
And then she came to Toronto for a visit. It was a good weekend. She went out the Friday night with the Roomie - he took her on a tour of gay town. I didn't go as I was going to go to work on Saturday morning while they slept.
It turns out that I started to play some video game ( WORMS ARMAGEDDON if you care) and Bam woke up earlier than expected. She asked what I was playing and if she could try.
We began the video gaming weekend.
She didn't go shopping, I didn't go to work. We played video games all day and ordered in Pizza. We did manage to watch some TV with Roomie for a bit... And also managed to do so drinking too.
Sunday - see Saturday - except we ordered Thai.
It was a weekend of pajamas and liquor and take out food - and of course the Worms. It was great.
We managed to pry ourselves away by the evening, as her Husband returned from some Bachelor Party in the Muskokas. I finally got to meet him and he seems great. I do like him.
It was a lot of bonding and talking this weekend, which was great.
I can't wait for another weekend like this.
11.09.2006
They Like me, they really like me.
| You Have Low Self Esteem 28% of the Time |
 Generally, you feel pretty darn great about who you are, even when you mess up or fail. Occasionally, a huge setback will make you question yourself, but you pick yourself up quickly. |
11.06.2006
Don't we make a nice couple?
It is insane to me that we can have this picture taken, and it means nothing. That is just stupid.
11.05.2006
FIL
My life is in a weird place still. I mentioned it some time ago, and things haven't changed a whole lot. At least not moving in the direction I had hoped for.
I have spent less time here - advising the stranger nation of my comings and goings... Of course, I have been busier with work. I am becoming what I thought I never would. I don't know if it is a permanent change yet, but I don't know that I like it.
I have been working 6 day weeks and working long days. 10 - 12 hours a couple times a week. It may not seem like a lot to some - I certainly live a priveledged life in many ways. One has to just take a moment to think of some 13 year old girl working in a sweat shop in southern China where she adds collars to shirts (cuz letting her learn a skill - like making a whole shirt - is too 'dangerous')- and realize I am just whining.
I am 33 and 3/4 years old. I am not married, I have no children, and at the rate I am going, I will be eating dog food at my retirement party. What kind of martini goes with that?
I know I am not defined by my choice (did I have a choice?) to not have a family early on. I know that will little to no formal education, I do pretty well. I have money to buy extra things and have some savings for the future. I just feel like I am wasting my life.
I didn't speak to anyone today. That is a lie. I spoke to Bookworm twice on the phone. And the guy at the store who sold me cigarettes and pizza pockets. My roommate is out of town for the weekend.
I spent all day watching television and playing video games and stealing music from the
internet. Is this what my life is meant to be?
I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't find anyone to spend my Saturday night with. It was like no one loved me for 5 hours. ... Until the Jerk called to go to a movie.
I know I am loved. I just hate that as I get older, it becomes more and more common for me to stay home and do nothing- alone. What did I do wrong to make this happen?
The only answer that I can come up with, is that I didn't and haven't yet, Fallen In Love * FIL.
FIL.
How can I not be in love? Why am I so inherently unlovable?
Everyone tells me they love me. All the time.
Yet no one wants to love me exclusively.
I have spent less time here - advising the stranger nation of my comings and goings... Of course, I have been busier with work. I am becoming what I thought I never would. I don't know if it is a permanent change yet, but I don't know that I like it.
I have been working 6 day weeks and working long days. 10 - 12 hours a couple times a week. It may not seem like a lot to some - I certainly live a priveledged life in many ways. One has to just take a moment to think of some 13 year old girl working in a sweat shop in southern China where she adds collars to shirts (cuz letting her learn a skill - like making a whole shirt - is too 'dangerous')- and realize I am just whining.
I am 33 and 3/4 years old. I am not married, I have no children, and at the rate I am going, I will be eating dog food at my retirement party. What kind of martini goes with that?
I know I am not defined by my choice (did I have a choice?) to not have a family early on. I know that will little to no formal education, I do pretty well. I have money to buy extra things and have some savings for the future. I just feel like I am wasting my life.
I didn't speak to anyone today. That is a lie. I spoke to Bookworm twice on the phone. And the guy at the store who sold me cigarettes and pizza pockets. My roommate is out of town for the weekend.
I spent all day watching television and playing video games and stealing music from the
internet. Is this what my life is meant to be?I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't find anyone to spend my Saturday night with. It was like no one loved me for 5 hours. ... Until the Jerk called to go to a movie.
I know I am loved. I just hate that as I get older, it becomes more and more common for me to stay home and do nothing- alone. What did I do wrong to make this happen?
The only answer that I can come up with, is that I didn't and haven't yet, Fallen In Love * FIL.
FIL.
How can I not be in love? Why am I so inherently unlovable?
Everyone tells me they love me. All the time.
Yet no one wants to love me exclusively.
10.31.2006
Hallowe'en
I am sick. I have a cold. I am sick on Hallowe'en. I am miserably sad to miss my favourite night out. I don't want to wait until next year. Whaaaaaaaa!
Ok, now that the whining has stopped, I will tell you that I did get to go to a Hallowe'en party on the weekend. It was a good time, but it was a very different party. It wasn't what I would call a great party. There were lots of costumes, here are a couple:
Bookworm was a mugger, which is ironic since he got mugged last weekend after we were at a farewell party. He was fine, expect the loss of his Ipod and Cellphone, and maybe his pride. I liked that he decided to come dressed as his oppressor, it's like taking back himself or something like that.
I had a good time talking to people I had never really met before. Capt Drunk pants ( his costume - not his name) was very entertaining, and was actually quite drunk. I enjoyed his crazy ways throughout the night. We bonded quickly.
Everyone was there that I could have wanted, oh except dreamweaver and titanium, but what can you do?
It was wierd though, I completely had a decent time, and noticed that I had been brushed off a bit by the bookworm. Which has not been par for the course in the last two weeks. I thought we had finally made it past this, but hadn't. Or something like that.
Then I talked to him the next day, and he told me I looked cute as a cheerleader.
I was supposed to take BW's car and go to Niagara Falls to help mom with the surgery thing. Only I got sick. Surgery = hospitals = no sick people please. So I didn't get to go... which is good as I am so contagious i am sure.
Then he called me to check up on me today (cuz I am sick)... and to find out how my dad's surgery went. My friend's didn't even do that (not that I expect it really, it is just extra attentive - you know). He is so attentive some days. Like the day he saw some pic of us together, and commented on how cute our pick was.
He has to love me, or I will scream. I won't die inside, I will just feel foolish. Tricked by a nice guy.
Bah. I hate being sick.
Ok, now that the whining has stopped, I will tell you that I did get to go to a Hallowe'en party on the weekend. It was a good time, but it was a very different party. It wasn't what I would call a great party. There were lots of costumes, here are a couple:
Bookworm was a mugger, which is ironic since he got mugged last weekend after we were at a farewell party. He was fine, expect the loss of his Ipod and Cellphone, and maybe his pride. I liked that he decided to come dressed as his oppressor, it's like taking back himself or something like that.
I had a good time talking to people I had never really met before. Capt Drunk pants ( his costume - not his name) was very entertaining, and was actually quite drunk. I enjoyed his crazy ways throughout the night. We bonded quickly.
Everyone was there that I could have wanted, oh except dreamweaver and titanium, but what can you do?
It was wierd though, I completely had a decent time, and noticed that I had been brushed off a bit by the bookworm. Which has not been par for the course in the last two weeks. I thought we had finally made it past this, but hadn't. Or something like that.
Then I talked to him the next day, and he told me I looked cute as a cheerleader.
I was supposed to take BW's car and go to Niagara Falls to help mom with the surgery thing. Only I got sick. Surgery = hospitals = no sick people please. So I didn't get to go... which is good as I am so contagious i am sure.
Then he called me to check up on me today (cuz I am sick)... and to find out how my dad's surgery went. My friend's didn't even do that (not that I expect it really, it is just extra attentive - you know). He is so attentive some days. Like the day he saw some pic of us together, and commented on how cute our pick was.
He has to love me, or I will scream. I won't die inside, I will just feel foolish. Tricked by a nice guy.
Bah. I hate being sick.
10.22.2006
It's a Fancy Party
Life has been odd lately. I haven't been myself at all.. But everything keeps on going. Why doesn't it all stop for me? Why doesn't the world do my bidding?Funeral for a friend's dad. It sure made me think about life. I guess that is the main purpose of death. To remind us all of our mortality. I can't see any other purpose.
Things with Bookworm have been slowly progressing.
There was the fancy party we all went for 3 peoples Birthdays. So, I went out to Scarborough in search of the sexy black dress (sexy is still a stupid word). That shopping trip into deep Scarberia was worth it alone. We went to Flea Market where there were like 15 booths of Jewelry. I ate samosas. It was a multicultural fiesta of food, clothes and weird smells. All in the name of fashion - so not me.
So, Strawberry Shortcake, DC and The Jerk had a swanky bar, martini, guy playing the guitar, semi formal Birthday.
It was a weird night. The Jerk's kinda new girlfriend got to come to the party ( he had not choice this time) and his ex was there too. Also the kids came, and a couple of his ex's are also in this group. Angry girls abound. I was trying to entertain the ladies for the better part of the evening. Bookworm saw I was fighting the uphill battle and would periodically pop by to save me... He
thought that I needed some back up with the feisty girls. It was nice. He really is a sweet guy, regardless of his social faux pas. He is socially so awkward. I find it cute how he flounders with girls.The night ended well, and he even called me the next morning to chat and tell me I looked pretty. He is so in.
ps - I have pictures of this night, but blogger is not letting me upload them today. Boo!
10.16.2006
Pink Hammer in the Hammer
Sadly on Wednesday, we found out that an old friend's father passed on. This friend, he is park of that group of friends that my roommate (and I) have been cut out of. It seems that he lost more than a boyfriend when they broke up. But such is life.
But of course, in these times of need and compassion, you go to the funeral and prepare for whatever happens. It is the only thing you do.
Friday morning, thanks to a car provided to me by Bookworm, my roommate and I toddle off to Hamilton, Ontario. (I lovingly refer to it as the Hammer). The day was so cold, it was the day after that huge snowstorm that imobolized Buffalo ( just an hour or so down the highway from there).
It was very nice. French funerals are always well done. I appreciate them ( probably since I have seen many of them in my lifetime).
The Ex ( of my roommate) - saw us and hugged BL ( roommate)- and burst into tears. It was a sad moment. Made we wonder if I will cry when one of my parents move along to death.
After driving all over the Hammer. Funeral at bottom of mountain, graveyard up the mountain, lunch down the otherside of the mountain.
Being part of a funeral procession is an odd feeling. Stop lights are merely a guideline. You can't break the chain, and the whole time you can't more than 20 kilometers per hour. Lots of time to think. Contemplate what is really important and such.
I nearly trip and fall at the graveyard as I am placing a rose on the casket as one final good bye. Classy lady I am not. So embarrassed.
After the luncheon, BL, the EX and I drove to the Funeral home so he could get the car. It was an odd drive as we haven't been in a car together in a long long time. We have traveled together many many times in our life. The EX loves to drive, and when we were close, we used to go out driving and running errands for hours every weekend. Only this time, we haven't been in the same room together in probably more than a year, I was driving... And it was a sad sad day.
We then decided to go to a dive bar in town for a few drinks. Our friend needed some time away from the family. Another couple of friends who had come to the funeral came and met us. It was the five of us. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent with these 4 men in my life. Laughing, drinking, dancing, living their gay lifestyle. It was very surreal for me.
The strangest part for me, was that it was as it always was. Nothing seemed to have changed, except we weren't arguing at all. It was a tiny little glimpse into the past. I spent the better part of 5 years with these men, then suddenly. Nothing.
And as quickly as the day started, it ended. BL and I got back into the Corolla and drove (thru rush hour) back to the Big Smoke. A typical 45 minute drive, too 2 hours. BL of course, slept. Bastard. Love you sweetie.
ps Bookworm had a trunk full of baseball equipment and a pink hammer. The fags and I laughed and laughed about this.
But of course, in these times of need and compassion, you go to the funeral and prepare for whatever happens. It is the only thing you do.
Friday morning, thanks to a car provided to me by Bookworm, my roommate and I toddle off to Hamilton, Ontario. (I lovingly refer to it as the Hammer). The day was so cold, it was the day after that huge snowstorm that imobolized Buffalo ( just an hour or so down the highway from there).
It was very nice. French funerals are always well done. I appreciate them ( probably since I have seen many of them in my lifetime).
The Ex ( of my roommate) - saw us and hugged BL ( roommate)- and burst into tears. It was a sad moment. Made we wonder if I will cry when one of my parents move along to death.
After driving all over the Hammer. Funeral at bottom of mountain, graveyard up the mountain, lunch down the otherside of the mountain.
Being part of a funeral procession is an odd feeling. Stop lights are merely a guideline. You can't break the chain, and the whole time you can't more than 20 kilometers per hour. Lots of time to think. Contemplate what is really important and such.
I nearly trip and fall at the graveyard as I am placing a rose on the casket as one final good bye. Classy lady I am not. So embarrassed.
After the luncheon, BL, the EX and I drove to the Funeral home so he could get the car. It was an odd drive as we haven't been in a car together in a long long time. We have traveled together many many times in our life. The EX loves to drive, and when we were close, we used to go out driving and running errands for hours every weekend. Only this time, we haven't been in the same room together in probably more than a year, I was driving... And it was a sad sad day.
We then decided to go to a dive bar in town for a few drinks. Our friend needed some time away from the family. Another couple of friends who had come to the funeral came and met us. It was the five of us. I can't tell you how many hours I have spent with these 4 men in my life. Laughing, drinking, dancing, living their gay lifestyle. It was very surreal for me.
The strangest part for me, was that it was as it always was. Nothing seemed to have changed, except we weren't arguing at all. It was a tiny little glimpse into the past. I spent the better part of 5 years with these men, then suddenly. Nothing.
And as quickly as the day started, it ended. BL and I got back into the Corolla and drove (thru rush hour) back to the Big Smoke. A typical 45 minute drive, too 2 hours. BL of course, slept. Bastard. Love you sweetie.
ps Bookworm had a trunk full of baseball equipment and a pink hammer. The fags and I laughed and laughed about this.
10.15.2006
A Sudbury Saturday night..
Thought I would stop avoiding this entry. I have procrastinated nearly everything I was supposed to do this weekend (working, laundry, cleaning, loving) so I should at least write something here. Stop avoiding me.
It has been a weird couple weeks. But the good weird. Spent the Thanksgiving weekend up in Sudbury, Ontario. The drive up was great, we traveled with my roommate's sister... Which is rather priveledged. She is a police officer, and that really brings me comfort in so many ways. Plus she drives very well... Must be all those take downs on the highway... Or the crazy closed course they put her on in training. Aside for all the stress and danger, it must be fun to be "the law".
We arrived and everyone was surprised ... As I had suggested to my other friend that she should sneak in to Sudbury to hang out. For reasons I will not mention, she is currently not supposed to leave her hometown of Timmins. I suggested that if we have a police officer in our inner circle, what harm could come from a tiny indiscretion? I have good judgment, but even I sometimes want more that I should. Besides, if she wasn't there, it wouldn't be the same.
It was great as I spent the weekend with my closest friends in the world. These are the people that you don't care if the underconstruction bathroom has a door or not. The kinds of folk that you just love no matter what they do - even if they get too drunk and yell at the locals. We went to a hole in the wall bar in Garson county. The live house band played 70's rock - sometimes it was even good, poor drummer. His only job is to keep a beat, and he will never be able to do that!! We even met some people that went to grade school with a couple of our crew. Silly good times at "the Falcon". Or the dirty bird as it is called but the people.
We laughed and bonded and loved and I can't wait to go back - in the dead of a northern Ontario winter in January. What the hell. Like I said, I love them more than everyone else, so I'll pack a sweater.
Then back to work. Finally some work has been coming in after a tiny dry spell. My problem is finding a reason to go into work, when there is nothing to do. I hate going through the motions of anything.
I spent two days just missing the weekend that I had ... And thinking about how much the next visit will be better!!!!
It has been a weird couple weeks. But the good weird. Spent the Thanksgiving weekend up in Sudbury, Ontario. The drive up was great, we traveled with my roommate's sister... Which is rather priveledged. She is a police officer, and that really brings me comfort in so many ways. Plus she drives very well... Must be all those take downs on the highway... Or the crazy closed course they put her on in training. Aside for all the stress and danger, it must be fun to be "the law".
We arrived and everyone was surprised ... As I had suggested to my other friend that she should sneak in to Sudbury to hang out. For reasons I will not mention, she is currently not supposed to leave her hometown of Timmins. I suggested that if we have a police officer in our inner circle, what harm could come from a tiny indiscretion? I have good judgment, but even I sometimes want more that I should. Besides, if she wasn't there, it wouldn't be the same.
It was great as I spent the weekend with my closest friends in the world. These are the people that you don't care if the underconstruction bathroom has a door or not. The kinds of folk that you just love no matter what they do - even if they get too drunk and yell at the locals. We went to a hole in the wall bar in Garson county. The live house band played 70's rock - sometimes it was even good, poor drummer. His only job is to keep a beat, and he will never be able to do that!! We even met some people that went to grade school with a couple of our crew. Silly good times at "the Falcon". Or the dirty bird as it is called but the people.
We laughed and bonded and loved and I can't wait to go back - in the dead of a northern Ontario winter in January. What the hell. Like I said, I love them more than everyone else, so I'll pack a sweater.
Then back to work. Finally some work has been coming in after a tiny dry spell. My problem is finding a reason to go into work, when there is nothing to do. I hate going through the motions of anything.
I spent two days just missing the weekend that I had ... And thinking about how much the next visit will be better!!!!
10.04.2006
What type of Lunatic am I?
What Type of Lunatic are You?
'Sadistic Bastard' PLEASE VOTE!!!
Take this quiz!
Quizilla |
Join
| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
10.03.2006
Another Full Moon this week....
I have decided to expand my horizons lately. I don't know in which direction to go though, so I study. I am currently reading one of 4 books.
Here is a quick run down:
1. No Logo - Naomi Klein - A book that talks about Branding, and how companies change our world with their branding techniques. Talks a lot about branding of human beings ( Shaq, Jordan and Mickey Mouse), and of course Corps like WalMart ( burn in hell Walmart).
2. The Essence of Buddhism - Traleg Kyabgon - An introduction to the novice ( Moi!)
3. The Evil that Men Do - Stephen Michaud -Profiling the minds of sexual predators ( I have a dark side...)
4. The Anti-Christian - Friederich Nietzsche - Philosophy of a self loathing German who rips the idea of Christians, Jews and Muslims to bits.
I have also started taping Yoga classes of the Canadian Learning Channel. We shall see if I actually pull the coffee table back or not...
I have also begun to obsess over the idea of traveling. Where I want to go first, and how to save for it. I have started a new savings plan ( this one is Canadian Bonds).
I have also also been eating Veggie Samosas. Contemplating buying veggie soy products that look like ground beef.
What the fuck. Who am I becoming? What am I doing in my journey? Religion? Vegetarian? If all of my life of complaining of religion, and eating meat by the truckload - turns me into a Buddhist... What does that I mean of all I said before?
I know that these things all see to be great personal growth choices I am making. Mixing things up, trying new things. But it feels so wrong in so many ways. I can't be my charming cynical, defiant self as a vegan Buddhist. Don't I have to wear Jesus shoes and move to Nepal or something? Ok that is a little unfair. Afterall, I know a Buddhist. He drinks, smokes, maybe a little more... He even had a cellphone. And I don't think he ever LIVED in Nepal...
Haven't heard from the Bookworm in a week now. I had lunch at his store and that was the last time. I don't think this is going to really go anywhere ... It has been way too long for a call at the very least. He can't be this shy? That is just stupid. I am not that difficult to deal with. He is just like the rest. Close, but not that close. Jerks. All of them.
Reading that Anti-Christian has been eye opening. It justifies my issues with religion. He just explains how they are now distorted religious thoughts that people have twisted to suit current situations. For a paper that was written in 1895, it is quite applicable to current status levels. He even points out why Buddhism is the only one that makes sense... And perhaps because it isn't the same. It is more inner driven. My friend once even told me there is a saying that if you see Buddha in the street, you should kill him. Cuz it isn't Buddha at all. Cuz he is dead and was a mortal... Or something like that.
This paper is coincidentally agreeing with every thought I have had about all the religions of the planet... And I chose to read it at the exact time I was becoming interested in Buddhism. As if to guide me along a path or something.
Oh and of course, there is the other thing.
Point 30. This point of the paper discusses two physiological realities.
The first is "the instinctive hatred of reality". Sounds good to me. The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one becomes unable to be "touched" as it is unendurable... Every sensation is too profound. Yep. I know that one well.
The second one "the instinctive exclusion of all aversion, all hostility, all bounds and distances in feeling" The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one comes to the brink of being unable to be "touched", but it is soaked up instead ... And only Love can make it all better. Making Love the ultimate possibility of life.
Maybe not so shattering of concepts... But written succinctly ( spelling is way off there) that I read that one passage 5 times.
I know I don't explain why this one passage has affected me so much, but it has. I think about how it applies to many parts of my life... And how I deal with things. It is a weird time for me. I feel like I don't wear my own skin right now, it is someone else's.
Here is a quick run down:
1. No Logo - Naomi Klein - A book that talks about Branding, and how companies change our world with their branding techniques. Talks a lot about branding of human beings ( Shaq, Jordan and Mickey Mouse), and of course Corps like WalMart ( burn in hell Walmart).
2. The Essence of Buddhism - Traleg Kyabgon - An introduction to the novice ( Moi!)
3. The Evil that Men Do - Stephen Michaud -Profiling the minds of sexual predators ( I have a dark side...)
4. The Anti-Christian - Friederich Nietzsche - Philosophy of a self loathing German who rips the idea of Christians, Jews and Muslims to bits.
I have also started taping Yoga classes of the Canadian Learning Channel. We shall see if I actually pull the coffee table back or not...
I have also begun to obsess over the idea of traveling. Where I want to go first, and how to save for it. I have started a new savings plan ( this one is Canadian Bonds).
I have also also been eating Veggie Samosas. Contemplating buying veggie soy products that look like ground beef.
What the fuck. Who am I becoming? What am I doing in my journey? Religion? Vegetarian? If all of my life of complaining of religion, and eating meat by the truckload - turns me into a Buddhist... What does that I mean of all I said before?
I know that these things all see to be great personal growth choices I am making. Mixing things up, trying new things. But it feels so wrong in so many ways. I can't be my charming cynical, defiant self as a vegan Buddhist. Don't I have to wear Jesus shoes and move to Nepal or something? Ok that is a little unfair. Afterall, I know a Buddhist. He drinks, smokes, maybe a little more... He even had a cellphone. And I don't think he ever LIVED in Nepal...
Haven't heard from the Bookworm in a week now. I had lunch at his store and that was the last time. I don't think this is going to really go anywhere ... It has been way too long for a call at the very least. He can't be this shy? That is just stupid. I am not that difficult to deal with. He is just like the rest. Close, but not that close. Jerks. All of them.
Reading that Anti-Christian has been eye opening. It justifies my issues with religion. He just explains how they are now distorted religious thoughts that people have twisted to suit current situations. For a paper that was written in 1895, it is quite applicable to current status levels. He even points out why Buddhism is the only one that makes sense... And perhaps because it isn't the same. It is more inner driven. My friend once even told me there is a saying that if you see Buddha in the street, you should kill him. Cuz it isn't Buddha at all. Cuz he is dead and was a mortal... Or something like that.
This paper is coincidentally agreeing with every thought I have had about all the religions of the planet... And I chose to read it at the exact time I was becoming interested in Buddhism. As if to guide me along a path or something.
Oh and of course, there is the other thing.
Point 30. This point of the paper discusses two physiological realities.
The first is "the instinctive hatred of reality". Sounds good to me. The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one becomes unable to be "touched" as it is unendurable... Every sensation is too profound. Yep. I know that one well.
The second one "the instinctive exclusion of all aversion, all hostility, all bounds and distances in feeling" The concept is susceptibility to pain and irritation so much that one comes to the brink of being unable to be "touched", but it is soaked up instead ... And only Love can make it all better. Making Love the ultimate possibility of life.
Maybe not so shattering of concepts... But written succinctly ( spelling is way off there) that I read that one passage 5 times.
I know I don't explain why this one passage has affected me so much, but it has. I think about how it applies to many parts of my life... And how I deal with things. It is a weird time for me. I feel like I don't wear my own skin right now, it is someone else's.
9.25.2006
Playing the game...
So I sit here and all I want to do is move along to the next stage. Of course, every second thought is the matter of how there will be no next stage. I obsess horribly about these things.
You can give me a little leaway though, I have good reason. No one has ever told me that they are or were in love with me. No one. Not ever once. You can surely understand my desperation for finding someone to love (or at least like lots and lots), and hearing the words that I want to hear. The words, that I might well kill for, if the correct situation would arise....
Oh I suck so much...
here is a cartoon to explain.
toothpastefordinner.com
You can give me a little leaway though, I have good reason. No one has ever told me that they are or were in love with me. No one. Not ever once. You can surely understand my desperation for finding someone to love (or at least like lots and lots), and hearing the words that I want to hear. The words, that I might well kill for, if the correct situation would arise....
Oh I suck so much...
here is a cartoon to explain.
toothpastefordinner.com
9.24.2006
Cool as a cucumber....
I have never been good with waiting around and waiting on people. I grow very impatient with friends who are consistenly late. I loathe when my cat won't come sit in my lap when I am prepared to love him. Really, I hate it when anyone doesn't do as I desire. It annoys me. I can't help it... this is why I am in a pure hell right now.
I feel so at a loss of the complete control I demand in my life.
As I sit here and type, I want to chain smoke just to keep busy and stop the constant buzz the inside of my body. It is like I have guzzled 15 cups of coffee. The blood, just under the skin is moving so quickly, I don't see how I haven't imploded yet tonight.
I hate this cycle I am in. I know this is his way. I know that he, much like myself, is very closed and doesn't open up easily. That this is the way to get to know someone, slowly, with days in between. It builds up the anticipation of it all. Makes it beter. I get that. I just don't like it.
I am impatient by nature and have always tried to speed up time. Countdowns to the weekend, leaving for trips hours earlier than planned. Forever being at a meeting spot 10 minutes early just to start it all as soon as possible. This is my way, and I don't know how to be any other way.
I just see how this is a different experience for me, and I like it ( I think), so I just want to start it all up now. Do it all now, and start the new adventure. All this starting and stopping. The great night together, the great talks, the touches, the feeling of total warmth for an entire blink of an eye. And now nothing. Anticipation and excitement and terror and unsureness until our next occasion to speak.
I just want to call him and ask how his little thing went today. See if they sold a bunch of books or not. See if he had the hangover I assume he had.
We held hands and cuddled. He asked me if I had ever been in love.
So until then I must remain cool as a cucumber and wait.
My favourite game.
Ah next time.
I feel so at a loss of the complete control I demand in my life.
As I sit here and type, I want to chain smoke just to keep busy and stop the constant buzz the inside of my body. It is like I have guzzled 15 cups of coffee. The blood, just under the skin is moving so quickly, I don't see how I haven't imploded yet tonight.
I hate this cycle I am in. I know this is his way. I know that he, much like myself, is very closed and doesn't open up easily. That this is the way to get to know someone, slowly, with days in between. It builds up the anticipation of it all. Makes it beter. I get that. I just don't like it.
I am impatient by nature and have always tried to speed up time. Countdowns to the weekend, leaving for trips hours earlier than planned. Forever being at a meeting spot 10 minutes early just to start it all as soon as possible. This is my way, and I don't know how to be any other way.
I just see how this is a different experience for me, and I like it ( I think), so I just want to start it all up now. Do it all now, and start the new adventure. All this starting and stopping. The great night together, the great talks, the touches, the feeling of total warmth for an entire blink of an eye. And now nothing. Anticipation and excitement and terror and unsureness until our next occasion to speak.
I just want to call him and ask how his little thing went today. See if they sold a bunch of books or not. See if he had the hangover I assume he had.
We held hands and cuddled. He asked me if I had ever been in love.
So until then I must remain cool as a cucumber and wait.
My favourite game.
Ah next time.
9.22.2006
My Geek, Nerd, Dork Quotient
Joe Normal 47 % Nerd, 39% Geek, 34% Dork |
For The Record: A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia. A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one. A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions. You scored less than half in all three, earning you the title of: Joe Normal. This is not to say that you don't have some Nerd, Geek or Dork inside of you--we all do, and you can see the percentages you have right above. This is just to say that none of those qualities stand out so much as to define you. Sure, you enjoy an episode of Star Trek now and again, and yeah, you kinda enjoyed a few classes back in the day. And, once in a while, you stumble while walking down the street even though there was nothing there to cause you to trip. But, for the most part, you look and act fairly typically, and aren't much of an outcast. I'd say there's a fair chance someone asked you to take this test. In any event, fairly normal. Congratulations! If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Professional Wrestling Love & Sexuality America/Politics Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST |
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
| Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
9.18.2006
Random Spam Or messenger of God?
I have come to the sad conclusion that no matter how I utilize the Junk Email option or spam blocker to my advantage, I will still receive Junk and Spam Mail. It has become a fact of life in this information super highway world we live in.
I know that daily, I will be offered penis enlargements, diet miracles, and of course, fail proof stock options.
Even pills that will make my penis as hard as a "rocket to space". I don't know how they got my email address, but even the internet doesn't think of me as a woman. Why should I be surprised? Most of my male friends think the same anyways. Maybe it was them who added my email address to some porn sites? Who knows, and I have given up the war. My white flag is waving. I no longer attempt to block the junk email or spam.
I just realize that this is a losing battle and I can't waste one ounce of my precious mind on the stress of deleting unwanted emails 10 times a day.
Then a couple days ago, I found something different.
I always take a little joy in the names that they choose. They seem to know what is going on in my regular emails... They send me emails from names of people in my contact lists. Never the full name, sometimes even a combo of my mother's first name and the last name of my roommate's business partner or some such thing. Rather terrifying that there is bits of my contact list floating around out there. Think about it... What else do "they know".
Back to my point.
I was busy deleting a particularily large amount of lies and deceit... Subject lines of "Missing you", "I have been looking for you for a long time", and "Need to please your girl?" quickly deleted en masse, then there was the simple message "How's it going?"... Not much of a temptation to open up really, only there was a catch. The senders name was Jesus.
Jesus emailed me to ask how things are going. He and I haven't talked in a long long time, due to a falling out regarding some very basic beliefs and ideals.
I thought we were through with each other, he doesn't come to my house, I don't go to his. But no.
Jesus reached out to me... Using a method that I can relate to. It was a beautiful moment, and has renewed my belief that maybe there is a chance for us yet.
I know that daily, I will be offered penis enlargements, diet miracles, and of course, fail proof stock options.
Even pills that will make my penis as hard as a "rocket to space". I don't know how they got my email address, but even the internet doesn't think of me as a woman. Why should I be surprised? Most of my male friends think the same anyways. Maybe it was them who added my email address to some porn sites? Who knows, and I have given up the war. My white flag is waving. I no longer attempt to block the junk email or spam.
I just realize that this is a losing battle and I can't waste one ounce of my precious mind on the stress of deleting unwanted emails 10 times a day.
Then a couple days ago, I found something different.
I always take a little joy in the names that they choose. They seem to know what is going on in my regular emails... They send me emails from names of people in my contact lists. Never the full name, sometimes even a combo of my mother's first name and the last name of my roommate's business partner or some such thing. Rather terrifying that there is bits of my contact list floating around out there. Think about it... What else do "they know".
Back to my point.
I was busy deleting a particularily large amount of lies and deceit... Subject lines of "Missing you", "I have been looking for you for a long time", and "Need to please your girl?" quickly deleted en masse, then there was the simple message "How's it going?"... Not much of a temptation to open up really, only there was a catch. The senders name was Jesus.
Jesus emailed me to ask how things are going. He and I haven't talked in a long long time, due to a falling out regarding some very basic beliefs and ideals.
I thought we were through with each other, he doesn't come to my house, I don't go to his. But no.
Jesus reached out to me... Using a method that I can relate to. It was a beautiful moment, and has renewed my belief that maybe there is a chance for us yet.
9.14.2006
Where has the time gone?
I have been so busy it seems.
Working overtime, getting extra cash, and brownie points of course. Sleeping, in my new hugely tall bed. So nice. I don't even wake up with a sore back or knee anymore. So nice.
Watching stupid TV. It will be the death of me. Serial television. And now the fall lineup coming. Thank Goodness that the West Wing ended, giving me a small reprieve.
Finally got back into the movie groove. Saw two in the last week. ( An inconvenient Truth, and World Trade Centre - if you care). Two strange movies to see back to back. One talks about the personal stories of two cops and their families as they lied in the rubble, waiting to die or be found. The other talks about how the environmental disaster that our planet is, and how we should stop with all the wars, and fix the planet before it really gets bad. I think I may have renewed my interest in changing the world again, maybe I will do something constructive with this thought. Oh by the way - the Al Gore movie - went with the Bookworm. We had a great time. We saw the flick in the Bloor Cinema... It is the old old movie house in an area of Toronto called the Annex. This little area may well be my favourite area of Toronto. It's diverse group of people, stores and lack of corporate sponsored stores is delightful, though I was sad to see a Starbucks has just set up business there. The beginning of the end I suspect. We went for drinks after to a local bar. It was so much fun! Seriously. We talked for hours and hours and hours... On a Tuesday no less. At one point, he ordered us another round of drinks... And once the waiter ( horrible waiter by the way) was out of ear shot, said that he wanted the conversation - not the drinks. I agreed, and said we probably wouldn't be good customers if we just sat in their bar babbling. I have come to the sad conclusion that Bookworm doesn't realize how romantic he is in his ways. I believe that when he tells me that he wants to be the one person I go to for solace. Little info on this last point: I tend to not really talk about my problems or inner concerns with people ( hence this Blog's inception).
It is the way I am, and have always been that way.
Those close to me are aware of my bad moments and sometimes are able to coax my thoughts out into the open, but I don't tend to wander about talking about my sad days. I usually shoulder everyone else's stuff - and I don't mind it - in fact it makes me feel useful in a useless time.
But Bookworm sees that, as he himself, is the same sort of soul in his main friendset.
He spent some time talking about his current situations... and I like that he feels comfortable in talking to me, seeking small caveats of advice. - but I don't believe that he does so because he is interested in dating me. He just needs an outside point of view - and he appreciates my worldly ways ( well I will be modest later).
Too bad though, we have a bond, and to me, I feel that we are very compatible in this world we live in. I have decided to stop worrying about all this and just leave it be - see what happens next, and attempt to not get frustrated at the string of mixed messages that is sure to show itself.
8.29.2006
Why can't I get that Hoe Down?
I have spent the last couple days thinking about this party I went to on the weekend. I hadn't thought about updating here... As my drunken blog of that night was enough. That is kinda a lie though. I just didn't want to write down the hard stuff.
These couple of days I have turned over the night over and over. Trying to figure out a couple of things:
1. Was Bookworm's behaviour warranted? Does he realize what he did was wrong? Was he doing anything wrong at all? Was he just upgrading? 2. Why didn't I take that boy home.
Now, the deal with Bookworm is simple. Awhile back he suggested all these events we would do. Then I called to confirm one, and he didn't call back. Then this party. I was pissed at him for treating me this way. I hate how people don't call back about plans... Especially when it was their idea to begin with. It is like being pushed down a tier in the friendship circle. It is just rude. So, I didn't really pay any attention to BW at this party. I actually spent as little time as possible near him. It seems that this didn't matter to him at all, as he spent the whole night talking to some other girl.
This is when I realized that all the tricks he was pulling on me - all this time- were acts of flirtations. I came to this discovery as I watched him do these things with this new girl. So, right in front of me, a week later, he does this.
a.Does this make him an asshole?
b.Did I not give him the attention he desired beforehand? I don't think this is it - cuz he didn't fucking call back.
c.Did he see a way of upgrading to a better girl? ( not really better, but maybe in his mind a better option)
I think a and c apply here. Nice guy my ass. This is the exact reason I hated him before. Stupid Bookworm. I AM GLAD I STOLE HIS WHIP.
The new boy.
He isn't really going to be a new boy. He was just an event that has thrown me in a whirlwind of inner searching. He is more representative of my dating life until now. The hows and whys of my failures if you will.
His name? I don't want to even make one up. His name is Max. He is 20. He suggested he go home with me. He held my hand and kissed me softly on the cheek.
I let him go. Leave - probably never to see him again. I assume that is the best bet - since it could never work. Thirteen years? I got my period before he was born.
See - this is the problem I think. I thought about it too much and decided against it. I don't understand why having a good night with this boy would have been so horrible. We got along and laughed most of the night. He had this schtick about how he was a pimp who worked for me - and I keep him in line. It was funny. He had an accent... Calling me Mama. Now I hate being called Mama. It makes me feel gross... And fatter ( if that is even possible). Stigmas kill me.
Strangely, when I told some of my female friends of this term of endearment, they thought it was sexy. They were girls who date black guys mostly. I think it is a cultural thing maybe.
The point is this. This guy found me attractive enough to say "When that hat leaves, I hope this hat is leaving too". Ohwait. That makes no sense to you does it?
I had a cowboy hat on, as everyone else did. Cowboy,Hodown party. Max had a hat too, but not a cowboy hat. A purple Pimp hat ( he is different it seems). I left it on the fridge, cuz it was too hot. I was "leaving" a few times and would say good bye. But never left and kept meeting up with Max again. I just said simply..." When you see that hat on the fridge gone, I am gone". That is when he pointed first to my hat, said the first part of his line, then pointed to his own hat for the latter.
Back to my point. All I had to do is call a cab and it was done. I couldn't do it. It is like some internal nightmare I cast upon myself to refuse things I deserve.
I deserve the affection of an attractive boy.
I don't have to wait for someone to come along who is more suited to me. I am stupid and sick inside. This is what I have been thinking about.
This boy was most likely a one-off... I can't say I am pining for him or anything. Just wondering what is my problem. I know what the problem is ... Just have to move on to the next level, the cure.
***************************************************
Oh just as an aside. I have cancelled two invitations to go over the Dreamweavers place. He is disappointed. I have to be better with him. Poor guy. Trying so hard to be a better man.
These couple of days I have turned over the night over and over. Trying to figure out a couple of things:
1. Was Bookworm's behaviour warranted? Does he realize what he did was wrong? Was he doing anything wrong at all? Was he just upgrading? 2. Why didn't I take that boy home.
Now, the deal with Bookworm is simple. Awhile back he suggested all these events we would do. Then I called to confirm one, and he didn't call back. Then this party. I was pissed at him for treating me this way. I hate how people don't call back about plans... Especially when it was their idea to begin with. It is like being pushed down a tier in the friendship circle. It is just rude. So, I didn't really pay any attention to BW at this party. I actually spent as little time as possible near him. It seems that this didn't matter to him at all, as he spent the whole night talking to some other girl.
This is when I realized that all the tricks he was pulling on me - all this time- were acts of flirtations. I came to this discovery as I watched him do these things with this new girl. So, right in front of me, a week later, he does this.
a.Does this make him an asshole?
b.Did I not give him the attention he desired beforehand? I don't think this is it - cuz he didn't fucking call back.
c.Did he see a way of upgrading to a better girl? ( not really better, but maybe in his mind a better option)
I think a and c apply here. Nice guy my ass. This is the exact reason I hated him before. Stupid Bookworm. I AM GLAD I STOLE HIS WHIP.
The new boy.
He isn't really going to be a new boy. He was just an event that has thrown me in a whirlwind of inner searching. He is more representative of my dating life until now. The hows and whys of my failures if you will.
His name? I don't want to even make one up. His name is Max. He is 20. He suggested he go home with me. He held my hand and kissed me softly on the cheek.
I let him go. Leave - probably never to see him again. I assume that is the best bet - since it could never work. Thirteen years? I got my period before he was born.
See - this is the problem I think. I thought about it too much and decided against it. I don't understand why having a good night with this boy would have been so horrible. We got along and laughed most of the night. He had this schtick about how he was a pimp who worked for me - and I keep him in line. It was funny. He had an accent... Calling me Mama. Now I hate being called Mama. It makes me feel gross... And fatter ( if that is even possible). Stigmas kill me.
Strangely, when I told some of my female friends of this term of endearment, they thought it was sexy. They were girls who date black guys mostly. I think it is a cultural thing maybe.
The point is this. This guy found me attractive enough to say "When that hat leaves, I hope this hat is leaving too". Ohwait. That makes no sense to you does it?
I had a cowboy hat on, as everyone else did. Cowboy,Hodown party. Max had a hat too, but not a cowboy hat. A purple Pimp hat ( he is different it seems). I left it on the fridge, cuz it was too hot. I was "leaving" a few times and would say good bye. But never left and kept meeting up with Max again. I just said simply..." When you see that hat on the fridge gone, I am gone". That is when he pointed first to my hat, said the first part of his line, then pointed to his own hat for the latter.
Back to my point. All I had to do is call a cab and it was done. I couldn't do it. It is like some internal nightmare I cast upon myself to refuse things I deserve.
I deserve the affection of an attractive boy.
I don't have to wait for someone to come along who is more suited to me. I am stupid and sick inside. This is what I have been thinking about.
This boy was most likely a one-off... I can't say I am pining for him or anything. Just wondering what is my problem. I know what the problem is ... Just have to move on to the next level, the cure.
***************************************************
Oh just as an aside. I have cancelled two invitations to go over the Dreamweavers place. He is disappointed. I have to be better with him. Poor guy. Trying so hard to be a better man.
I am not the lady you would think.
| You Are 20% Lady |
 You're a pretty crass, and even a bit crude on occasion. Manners don't matter to you, but they sure matter to those around you. |
That sure clears things up. Good for me.
8.27.2006
Note: please disregard this entry.
will further deny the following :
a. Bookworm is a bastard.
b. Dreamweaver is a better friend than bookworm.
c. Jerk is a complicated man.
d. Titanium and I progressed into friends at this party. I liked that.
e. I have realized that bookworm sucks for so many reasons. And that will never change.
f. A twenty year old hottie, who was terribly interesting, offered me something shocking. Himself. And I refused it.
g. I am dumb.
h. I woke up and found a leather whip in my bedroom. what a strange thing to find. Bookworm is not getting it back. Cuz he sucks.
8.23.2006
I have spent time avoiding this entry. I read a bunch of other people's blogs, commenting randomly. I flipped through vanity fair, amazed on how Kate Moss is every third picture. (Cocaine use sure didn't slow her career down one bit.) I did the dishes. I talked to my little friends on the phone. And now I am here.
I just don't want to write how I think I had this whole Bookworm thing wrong. I left him a message about our movie date 2.5 days ago. And nothing. No call, no text. No cancellation. Nothing. Ignorance is bliss for him?
It is truly one of two things:
1. He doesn't really want to explore the life I first thought. So, not calling me back, is no big deal. Also - maybe he thinks because I called him to go to the movie he suggested ( 3 times!!) that I want more? And he doesn't?
2. He is the slowest moving man in the history of time? Doesn't want to rush things by going out on an actual date after 3 years?
I should call him tomorrow... But I don't have a reason, aside from being pissy that he didn't at least call to say he couldn't make it.
This birthday party for his sister, that she invited me to, is going to suck now.
( I do exaggerate and assume things are worse than they are - it is true - but that is what I do best - clairvoyance if you will)
ps. I found this site that cracks me up. Here is the photo and website. **Beware of "gallery" as there are some nudes... but read his main page.
www.sethescort.com
I just don't want to write how I think I had this whole Bookworm thing wrong. I left him a message about our movie date 2.5 days ago. And nothing. No call, no text. No cancellation. Nothing. Ignorance is bliss for him?
It is truly one of two things:
1. He doesn't really want to explore the life I first thought. So, not calling me back, is no big deal. Also - maybe he thinks because I called him to go to the movie he suggested ( 3 times!!) that I want more? And he doesn't?
2. He is the slowest moving man in the history of time? Doesn't want to rush things by going out on an actual date after 3 years?
I should call him tomorrow... But I don't have a reason, aside from being pissy that he didn't at least call to say he couldn't make it.
This birthday party for his sister, that she invited me to, is going to suck now.
( I do exaggerate and assume things are worse than they are - it is true - but that is what I do best - clairvoyance if you will)
ps. I found this site that cracks me up. Here is the photo and website. **Beware of "gallery" as there are some nudes... but read his main page.
www.sethescort.com
8.20.2006
Testing, Testing, Anyone out there?
You know what? I feel like a test pattern. The same picture, every day, and it changes for a little while, but it always comes back to the test pattern. Once 2am shows up, it is stagnant colour stripes and that horrid piercing whine of "no programming". That is who I am. Fucking Test Pattern.
Apparently, Bookworm is as well.
Of course, the seething anger that I feel at this moment is fresh, from my long rainy cab ride home from His party, and it may even pass as quickly as it arrived. My mind is my own worst enemy. Time to churn things over. And this is when I come to object of my anger. It's me. I am the test pattern. I try to change my ways, because obviously, they fail me. Granted, everytime they do get a little better. But in the end, I am the same stupid toneless blob of colour that graces the TV screen everynight at 2am.
The party was decent, not a lot of people I knew - which was weird. But I did know a few of the guys from Baseball. A couple I knew from previous parties, a girl I had heard lots about, but never met before and of course, Porno and Titanium came by, and that was comforting.
So my test pattern issue.
I now know I want this guy. It has started. I get nervous about our meetings, I can't look him in the eye, I get quiet.
This is the problem. When I like him, I pull back. Terrified that he will know I like him. This is what I do, it is always the way I have been and I don't get it.
I need a sign. And it can't be something casual, like coming over at a party and putting his arm around me. I need a blatant sign that says " someday I want to be inside you, can we start working towards that now". Of course, just saying these words as is, won't do - a little too crass. And I apologize for putting them here.
I saw some good things happen today. I got a wink, a cheers silently from across the party. He was attentive to me and not as touchy as with the other girls... Which is good, as the other girl I was worried about was there... The one that other people want to hook him up with.. But there was no chemistry going on that I saw.
I did get the arm around me thing - only I killed that badly. I was smoking and had a drink in hand. I didn't want my smoke to bother him, so I kinda didn't stay in the position. It was good in the end though, cuz we both did this awkward thing with our hands touching, at our sides, and it was nearly a hand hold. Oh god. I am 13 again.
See, why can't we just do something. We are both so terrified of people in our personal areas.
Finding out our secrets.
He mentioned that he thought I wasn't coming. On account of the Jerk being out of town, and since he is my solid, Bookworm assumed I wouldn't show.
He has been paying attention to me though it seems.
People don't notice my weird stranger thing, or at least they don't realize that is why it is happening. He does, and he mentioned it. I think it is because, he has it too.
Again, he mentioned that he hasn't met my roommate yet. This is odd to me as nearly everyone else had already. Also odd since my roommate is one of my closest friends of all time. He wants an invite for dinner. I think I should do something about this.
The good bye was lame and empty. Of course, it was late, we were a little drunk, and it was in front of Titanium.
I would like to hold hands or something stupid. Move this along, but I think I have to wait for him to do it. Not just cuz I am a freak who can't put herself out on the line, but because I think that is how this guy operates.
I just need to get this moving in the right direction, and try a new pattern - this test one is old and broken.
Apparently, Bookworm is as well.
Of course, the seething anger that I feel at this moment is fresh, from my long rainy cab ride home from His party, and it may even pass as quickly as it arrived. My mind is my own worst enemy. Time to churn things over. And this is when I come to object of my anger. It's me. I am the test pattern. I try to change my ways, because obviously, they fail me. Granted, everytime they do get a little better. But in the end, I am the same stupid toneless blob of colour that graces the TV screen everynight at 2am.
The party was decent, not a lot of people I knew - which was weird. But I did know a few of the guys from Baseball. A couple I knew from previous parties, a girl I had heard lots about, but never met before and of course, Porno and Titanium came by, and that was comforting.
So my test pattern issue.
I now know I want this guy. It has started. I get nervous about our meetings, I can't look him in the eye, I get quiet.
This is the problem. When I like him, I pull back. Terrified that he will know I like him. This is what I do, it is always the way I have been and I don't get it.
I need a sign. And it can't be something casual, like coming over at a party and putting his arm around me. I need a blatant sign that says " someday I want to be inside you, can we start working towards that now". Of course, just saying these words as is, won't do - a little too crass. And I apologize for putting them here.
I saw some good things happen today. I got a wink, a cheers silently from across the party. He was attentive to me and not as touchy as with the other girls... Which is good, as the other girl I was worried about was there... The one that other people want to hook him up with.. But there was no chemistry going on that I saw.
I did get the arm around me thing - only I killed that badly. I was smoking and had a drink in hand. I didn't want my smoke to bother him, so I kinda didn't stay in the position. It was good in the end though, cuz we both did this awkward thing with our hands touching, at our sides, and it was nearly a hand hold. Oh god. I am 13 again.
See, why can't we just do something. We are both so terrified of people in our personal areas.
Finding out our secrets.
He mentioned that he thought I wasn't coming. On account of the Jerk being out of town, and since he is my solid, Bookworm assumed I wouldn't show.
He has been paying attention to me though it seems.
People don't notice my weird stranger thing, or at least they don't realize that is why it is happening. He does, and he mentioned it. I think it is because, he has it too.
Again, he mentioned that he hasn't met my roommate yet. This is odd to me as nearly everyone else had already. Also odd since my roommate is one of my closest friends of all time. He wants an invite for dinner. I think I should do something about this.
The good bye was lame and empty. Of course, it was late, we were a little drunk, and it was in front of Titanium.
I would like to hold hands or something stupid. Move this along, but I think I have to wait for him to do it. Not just cuz I am a freak who can't put herself out on the line, but because I think that is how this guy operates.
I just need to get this moving in the right direction, and try a new pattern - this test one is old and broken.
8.12.2006
Here we go again....
Yeah, so went to play cards last night - and guess who didn't show? Bookworm of course. I texted him and got no reply. I swear he is just trying to kill me slowly.
Was a nice night overall though. Farewell night for a girl moving out to BC for a bit. We got an expensive champagne ( Veuve if you care) and had cupcakes. DW showed up ... with the previously creepy guy, and it was nice. Seen that guy lots this week.
Drank too much Champagne and left early with the girls. Home and in bed by 2. Not so bad for a Friday night.
Got invited to a Hallowe'en bash. Starting early this year it seems.
Today sucks if you ask me.
Have a good one.
Was a nice night overall though. Farewell night for a girl moving out to BC for a bit. We got an expensive champagne ( Veuve if you care) and had cupcakes. DW showed up ... with the previously creepy guy, and it was nice. Seen that guy lots this week.
Drank too much Champagne and left early with the girls. Home and in bed by 2. Not so bad for a Friday night.
Got invited to a Hallowe'en bash. Starting early this year it seems.
Today sucks if you ask me.
Have a good one.
8.10.2006
How the tables have turned.
There are some things I just don't like to admit. Sometimes they are stupid things. Like sometimes I get caught dancing at my desk by my co-worker. Or I like to wear pink panties, but never pink clothes on the outside - cuz pink is lame and weak. Or I like toilet humour - a lot. I can't admit these things, and will even go so far to mock others who do and like the same things. It is silly and childish. But I do it.
I am a closet romantic. I love cheesy movies, sappy songs and romantic boys. Everyone thinks I like hard, bad boys who are rough and tumble and fresh from a fight. I do portray a personality like this, but true be told, it isn't me.
I want a man to bring me flowers and cuddle with me while I cry over Bell Commercials and dancing bears in captivity... and the whole time, he is crooning Bryan Adams songs to me - just me.
Why am I rambling about this now? Good question. I think it is because I went out with a friend last night... and somewhere between the first drink and the cheesecake we shared, it became a date.
Of course, due the a brute force of irony... I didn't find out if it was a date. And all this what if - ing has culminated in a massive romantic day dream. I shall explain.
I am having a rough day at work - coming back after nearly two weeks off - horrible getting back into the groove.
My cell rings. It is Bookworm. He has returned from Oz and wants to meet for drinks. I welcome the time to catch up, and just have something to look forward to and the end of this horrid day.
I secretly wonder if he will invite anyone to join us. The last time he called and asked me out, by the time I arrived, DW was there and joined us. At the time I was delighted, in light of my massive crush of 2005. But when I arrive at our chosen location, he arrives alone... and we sit.
He has suggested a place that I am fond of, and he knows this, and it is a darker place. Romancy- maybe not - but full of secuded booths, wierd music and poor lighting.
We begin to catch up and talk about our holidays with family and how they are all crazy. He seems to be very attentive and caring regarding some of my stories, even goes so far as to hold out his hand for me to place mine on it.. and gently squeezes it.
I always enjoy talking to him, as we never run out of things to talk about. We have a fair amount of common interests but have had very different life experiences. Makes for fresh talk.
I start to notice how his boyish smile is actually much more attractive than I remembered. How did I miss that? Oh wait, our conversation has taken a wierd twist while I was attending to the features on his face...
We are talking about the kind of woman he needs, the man I need. Hey wait, is he kinda describing me? A woman to challenge him, to argue with him? Yes, that sure the fuck is me. What's that, you say, you want a strong woman who says what she thinks? My god, how many times has that bitten me in the ass. Can this really be our conversation?
There are more things of interest that we talk about, we get into a debate as to whether it is better to improve yourself before you fall in love, or use love to spring board you to better things? I saw his point, being that you should do it for yourself - but I felt he needed to know I believe that love entails you wanting to be a better person for not only yourself, but for your love. It is just right. It was a delicious debate none the less. I cannot do it justice at this moment.
Then the conversation veers back to family. He talks about how he wants me to go to dinner at his mother's to meet her. Why does he want me to meet his mother? That seems like a 7th date sort of thing. Only we aren't dating.
We talk about Al Gore a bit. We both have an interest in American Politics. He is part American ( don't hold that against him) and I just find it interesting in its complexity. He asks if I have seen Gore's movie yet. I haven't of course, cuz everyone I know already saw it. He says we should go see it. Why that is a movie date maybe. After the mother thing, it has more value than just a movie. Could be stretching to see what I want here... but with all the rest of the things... well. who knows.
Then the strange ironic moment calls. DW calls and comes and joins us. Strangely familiar. I access and decide this is not part of the plan. BW seems slightly disappointed, but a friend in need...etc. He is too good to refuse. DW got dumped the night before ( oh by the way, he was at my house on the phone when it happened).
So there I am, with the two most frustrating, facinating, confusing boys I know. Well, there are others who are just the same, you know who you are Jerk, but that is neither here nor there.
The night goes on, it is good. We tend to the wounded puppy. He is so sad that he got dumped.
Time for a cigarette, which I have been denying myself, as BW is a reformed smoker, and I know he hates that I smoke. But DW smokes too, so I feel safety in numbers. BW says he will stay and guard the table, and I just suggest he just come, no one is going to steal our empty pitcher.
We go outside and he holds out his arm so I can nuzzle in his shoulder for a minute. Almost declaring me if you will. He has issue with my previous infatution for sure. I accept his attention for a minute and pull away as I don't want to smoke on him.
Later, we go to Bookworms house, so the boys can smoke a little something special. Have another drink and play with the neighbours dog. It is nice.
Hugs goodbye all around and a cab home. His last comment of the night is how he will see me on Friday at the card game.
I plan on asking when our "movie date" will be.
I am a closet romantic. I love cheesy movies, sappy songs and romantic boys. Everyone thinks I like hard, bad boys who are rough and tumble and fresh from a fight. I do portray a personality like this, but true be told, it isn't me.
I want a man to bring me flowers and cuddle with me while I cry over Bell Commercials and dancing bears in captivity... and the whole time, he is crooning Bryan Adams songs to me - just me.
Why am I rambling about this now? Good question. I think it is because I went out with a friend last night... and somewhere between the first drink and the cheesecake we shared, it became a date.
Of course, due the a brute force of irony... I didn't find out if it was a date. And all this what if - ing has culminated in a massive romantic day dream. I shall explain.
I am having a rough day at work - coming back after nearly two weeks off - horrible getting back into the groove.
My cell rings. It is Bookworm. He has returned from Oz and wants to meet for drinks. I welcome the time to catch up, and just have something to look forward to and the end of this horrid day.
I secretly wonder if he will invite anyone to join us. The last time he called and asked me out, by the time I arrived, DW was there and joined us. At the time I was delighted, in light of my massive crush of 2005. But when I arrive at our chosen location, he arrives alone... and we sit.
He has suggested a place that I am fond of, and he knows this, and it is a darker place. Romancy- maybe not - but full of secuded booths, wierd music and poor lighting.
We begin to catch up and talk about our holidays with family and how they are all crazy. He seems to be very attentive and caring regarding some of my stories, even goes so far as to hold out his hand for me to place mine on it.. and gently squeezes it.
I always enjoy talking to him, as we never run out of things to talk about. We have a fair amount of common interests but have had very different life experiences. Makes for fresh talk.
I start to notice how his boyish smile is actually much more attractive than I remembered. How did I miss that? Oh wait, our conversation has taken a wierd twist while I was attending to the features on his face...
We are talking about the kind of woman he needs, the man I need. Hey wait, is he kinda describing me? A woman to challenge him, to argue with him? Yes, that sure the fuck is me. What's that, you say, you want a strong woman who says what she thinks? My god, how many times has that bitten me in the ass. Can this really be our conversation?
There are more things of interest that we talk about, we get into a debate as to whether it is better to improve yourself before you fall in love, or use love to spring board you to better things? I saw his point, being that you should do it for yourself - but I felt he needed to know I believe that love entails you wanting to be a better person for not only yourself, but for your love. It is just right. It was a delicious debate none the less. I cannot do it justice at this moment.
Then the conversation veers back to family. He talks about how he wants me to go to dinner at his mother's to meet her. Why does he want me to meet his mother? That seems like a 7th date sort of thing. Only we aren't dating.
We talk about Al Gore a bit. We both have an interest in American Politics. He is part American ( don't hold that against him) and I just find it interesting in its complexity. He asks if I have seen Gore's movie yet. I haven't of course, cuz everyone I know already saw it. He says we should go see it. Why that is a movie date maybe. After the mother thing, it has more value than just a movie. Could be stretching to see what I want here... but with all the rest of the things... well. who knows.
Then the strange ironic moment calls. DW calls and comes and joins us. Strangely familiar. I access and decide this is not part of the plan. BW seems slightly disappointed, but a friend in need...etc. He is too good to refuse. DW got dumped the night before ( oh by the way, he was at my house on the phone when it happened).
So there I am, with the two most frustrating, facinating, confusing boys I know. Well, there are others who are just the same, you know who you are Jerk, but that is neither here nor there.
The night goes on, it is good. We tend to the wounded puppy. He is so sad that he got dumped.
Time for a cigarette, which I have been denying myself, as BW is a reformed smoker, and I know he hates that I smoke. But DW smokes too, so I feel safety in numbers. BW says he will stay and guard the table, and I just suggest he just come, no one is going to steal our empty pitcher.
We go outside and he holds out his arm so I can nuzzle in his shoulder for a minute. Almost declaring me if you will. He has issue with my previous infatution for sure. I accept his attention for a minute and pull away as I don't want to smoke on him.
Later, we go to Bookworms house, so the boys can smoke a little something special. Have another drink and play with the neighbours dog. It is nice.
Hugs goodbye all around and a cab home. His last comment of the night is how he will see me on Friday at the card game.
I plan on asking when our "movie date" will be.
Higher Power = Joker
Life is strange stuff. It is almost like there is a higher power at work, and that power is really a joker. She/He likes to play tricks and throw a little sugar in the gas tank sometimes.
I met a boy. He is funny, sexy, smart and quite normal. Of course, he has his faults, one being that he is a goth. Goth will be his name. Overall though, he is the most compatible person I have met in a long time. I feel no nervousness, only joy when we talk. And this is impressive, as nearly everyone leaves me feeling uncomfortable at times ( my issue, not theirs). Now here is the catch.
He lives in an another town. Sure it is only about an hour down the road. Only, neither of us own a car.
I don't think I will be pursuing this based on this alone. Which is totally sad - as he has some lovely attributes that I wanted to explore.
I met a boy. He is funny, sexy, smart and quite normal. Of course, he has his faults, one being that he is a goth. Goth will be his name. Overall though, he is the most compatible person I have met in a long time. I feel no nervousness, only joy when we talk. And this is impressive, as nearly everyone leaves me feeling uncomfortable at times ( my issue, not theirs). Now here is the catch.
He lives in an another town. Sure it is only about an hour down the road. Only, neither of us own a car.
I don't think I will be pursuing this based on this alone. Which is totally sad - as he has some lovely attributes that I wanted to explore.
For the Masses
Here you go Climber.
I have a story to tell as well, but am tired and must go... but Bookworm and DW... my have the tables turned.
That is for later.
This is my Tattoo:
I have a story to tell as well, but am tired and must go... but Bookworm and DW... my have the tables turned.
That is for later.
This is my Tattoo:
8.07.2006
Easy Like Sunday (Monday) Morning
Earlier this year, I made a statement that this was going to be the summer of the drink. I was going to attempt to spend the summer sipping away on alcohol beverages. It seems I am doing well with this. Consider it an experiment in socialization.
Last night we went to the Annex. The Annex is a little area of Toronto where you can find all walks of life and people. It is located near U of T so you get some of the frats. It is also just north of China town and between Korea town and Yorkville and south of Forrest Hill. Lots of Potheads around too. It is the Casual part of Toronto - if you know what I mean? There are a couple clubs, but they are mostly bars or pubs. Back in the day - this was the area you went to get your heroine (if you liked that sort of thing). Good Falafels too. Lots of kitchy little stores with boxes and porcelain elephants for sale. Cheaper drinks and food. Second hand stores, head shops.
Went out with the Jerk, Porno and the lesbian. Tommy Lee also showed up.
Tommy Lee
OK so it isn't really Tommy Lee - but he is certainly a lookalike. Only he is still young, and doesn't look all weathered like the Drummer. It is debatable if you ask me, but the claim is that he is the hottest man in this group of boys. And this is what the boys tell me. I
haven't really thought this to be true before, I may be changing my tune though. I find that the more I talk to him, the more attractive he becomes. There was some incident where I patted his leg in conversation, and his response was "no like this" and he motioned higher up on his thigh. I of course followed his lead. He said that at his age (30 I think), he was ok with asking for what he wants... It made me a little hot I must say. He also gives good hug as well. It was a good night. We checked out the bar for a bit to see if we could find Porno a woman to love. This was entertaining as he is super shy and everytime I blatantly pointed out a girl, he would get all intense and ask me not to point. Sitting with us, he isn't going to fall in love. This is my point. It is strange though, TL also was looking, but too shy to talk to the girls at the next table. I find this amazing. Even hot guys have a hard time approaching their love interests. Makes me feel a little better I guess.
TL starts talking about Bookworm and strawberry shortcake ( remember her?). TL and the Jerk used to be close, but when the Jerk and his beloved broke up, there were ties that were
severed - it is always hard right? It was good for Jerk to hear some gossip and such from his "others". It seems that Bookworm is in the middle of some 17 year crush on Strawberry Shortcake (here we go again- See DW). She has a child, did I ever mention that? And this is where the trouble begins. TL suggests that Bookworm babysits all the time for SSC in order to get closer and be a father figure to the child. I always thought it was just nice that he helped out all the time. He is very good with the little Tyke. You don't see a single guy so into kids all the time. It is part of my interest in finding more out about Bookworm. Him and the kid - interesting dynamic. TL says it is all coming to a head now - and there may be some fall out. And SSC's current boyfriend doesn't like how Bookworm acts and is around. Boys will be boys it seems.
I haven't seen Bookworm in weeks and weeks. I texted him from my vacation, as I had a dream he broke his arm. And he replied back that he would call when he returned from his trip to the ranch (?), providing he could use his arms!! I don't know if he will be at baseball today. Doubt it. That is fine though, DW is going, and DC too I think. And TL, fresh off surgery, will also be a spectator. Lots of people around to talk too... I guess I should be going, have to make some park friendly drinks for the day.
Vacation is over today. Have to go back to work tomorrow. :(
Last night we went to the Annex. The Annex is a little area of Toronto where you can find all walks of life and people. It is located near U of T so you get some of the frats. It is also just north of China town and between Korea town and Yorkville and south of Forrest Hill. Lots of Potheads around too. It is the Casual part of Toronto - if you know what I mean? There are a couple clubs, but they are mostly bars or pubs. Back in the day - this was the area you went to get your heroine (if you liked that sort of thing). Good Falafels too. Lots of kitchy little stores with boxes and porcelain elephants for sale. Cheaper drinks and food. Second hand stores, head shops.
Went out with the Jerk, Porno and the lesbian. Tommy Lee also showed up.
Tommy Lee
OK so it isn't really Tommy Lee - but he is certainly a lookalike. Only he is still young, and doesn't look all weathered like the Drummer. It is debatable if you ask me, but the claim is that he is the hottest man in this group of boys. And this is what the boys tell me. I
haven't really thought this to be true before, I may be changing my tune though. I find that the more I talk to him, the more attractive he becomes. There was some incident where I patted his leg in conversation, and his response was "no like this" and he motioned higher up on his thigh. I of course followed his lead. He said that at his age (30 I think), he was ok with asking for what he wants... It made me a little hot I must say. He also gives good hug as well. It was a good night. We checked out the bar for a bit to see if we could find Porno a woman to love. This was entertaining as he is super shy and everytime I blatantly pointed out a girl, he would get all intense and ask me not to point. Sitting with us, he isn't going to fall in love. This is my point. It is strange though, TL also was looking, but too shy to talk to the girls at the next table. I find this amazing. Even hot guys have a hard time approaching their love interests. Makes me feel a little better I guess.TL starts talking about Bookworm and strawberry shortcake ( remember her?). TL and the Jerk used to be close, but when the Jerk and his beloved broke up, there were ties that were
severed - it is always hard right? It was good for Jerk to hear some gossip and such from his "others". It seems that Bookworm is in the middle of some 17 year crush on Strawberry Shortcake (here we go again- See DW). She has a child, did I ever mention that? And this is where the trouble begins. TL suggests that Bookworm babysits all the time for SSC in order to get closer and be a father figure to the child. I always thought it was just nice that he helped out all the time. He is very good with the little Tyke. You don't see a single guy so into kids all the time. It is part of my interest in finding more out about Bookworm. Him and the kid - interesting dynamic. TL says it is all coming to a head now - and there may be some fall out. And SSC's current boyfriend doesn't like how Bookworm acts and is around. Boys will be boys it seems.I haven't seen Bookworm in weeks and weeks. I texted him from my vacation, as I had a dream he broke his arm. And he replied back that he would call when he returned from his trip to the ranch (?), providing he could use his arms!! I don't know if he will be at baseball today. Doubt it. That is fine though, DW is going, and DC too I think. And TL, fresh off surgery, will also be a spectator. Lots of people around to talk too... I guess I should be going, have to make some park friendly drinks for the day.
Vacation is over today. Have to go back to work tomorrow. :(
8.06.2006
There are so many things that I want to say today. Here are a few :
1/ My cousin is seperating from her Husband. They have 3 kids.
2/ Smurf ( of Smurf and Smurfette fame) is gay.
3/ I got a new tattoo.
4/ DW missed me while I was gone.
5/ Bookworm misses me ( he is in Kansas now)
6/ The Miner is divorcing again ( yes - he just got married in June)
7/ My mother is annoying after 6 days in a car.
8/ I got too drunk last night to go to a cottage today with DC and Titantium.
9/ There is a spider web on my airconditioner in my bedroom (EW!)
10/ Al Gore, or any talk about politics, the environment or the war is outside my cousin's "bubble". Or so she tells me.
11/ It is too nice to stay inside.
1/ My cousin is seperating from her Husband. They have 3 kids.
2/ Smurf ( of Smurf and Smurfette fame) is gay.
3/ I got a new tattoo.
4/ DW missed me while I was gone.
5/ Bookworm misses me ( he is in Kansas now)
6/ The Miner is divorcing again ( yes - he just got married in June)
7/ My mother is annoying after 6 days in a car.
8/ I got too drunk last night to go to a cottage today with DC and Titantium.
9/ There is a spider web on my airconditioner in my bedroom (EW!)
10/ Al Gore, or any talk about politics, the environment or the war is outside my cousin's "bubble". Or so she tells me.
11/ It is too nice to stay inside.
7.24.2006
How I will die!!
So I made blueberry muffins today with the blueberries my roommate picked when he was up north. They leave a tasty smell in the air. Haven't had one yet. Maybe after. Glad he is home. Missed him.
Didn't go to work.
Crackers came by last night and we talked for hours...stayed up pretty late. It was nice to hang out with him - but the drama. I don't miss the 'others' for their drama at all.
Feel bad about missing work. Headache was too much. Perhaps lack of sleep?
I found this quiz and thought it was worth posting. Please note the most likely option. Kinda funny if you really know me.
Didn't go to work.
Crackers came by last night and we talked for hours...stayed up pretty late. It was nice to hang out with him - but the drama. I don't miss the 'others' for their drama at all.
Feel bad about missing work. Headache was too much. Perhaps lack of sleep?
I found this quiz and thought it was worth posting. Please note the most likely option. Kinda funny if you really know me.
 | You scored as Gunshot. Your death will be by gunshot, probably because you are some important person or whatever. Possibly a sniper, nice, quick, clean shot to the head. Just beautiful.
How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com |
7.23.2006
Freedom is overrated.
Today is the day my roommate comes home. He went up north for 6 days. I joked before he left that I could not wait for him to go. A week of freedom from the pseudo "ball-and-chain".
He probably wasn't out of city limits before I trashed our living room. I sat around in my underpants, after throwing my clothes on the other couch. I left plates and glasses out. Bags of garbage sitting on the coffee table. I left the dishes from our last meal sitting on the counter overnight, not even rinsed off. I reverted to my pig status.
Then I woke up the next morning. And I cleaned it all up immediately. The dishes were caked on and I had to soak them.
I dusted, swept, cleaned the litter box. I even managed to clean the bathroom - oh shit I forgot the mat - I will do that after this.
So there goes my life of sloth. I was under the misguided conclusion that I was tidier on account of respect of my roommate and his OCD cleaning tendencies. Turns out, I just like a clean house now.
I hate evolution.
It also turns out that I don't want to have sex with younger men anymore - unless we are attempting to fall in love.
It has been a startling revelation week.
(That was supposed to be the segway to this part - it is not a good transition)
Typically, I would have taken advantage of an empty apartment. I would have called over some man/boy and had some fun with him. I didn't though.
I said to myself - "self - go and get laid this week". Then I went to the movies with the Jerk instead.
Is this supposed to be what maturity feels like? It fucking sucks.
I came to this revelation when I was at my weekly card night. The kids and Titanium didn't come and neither did the other girls or bookworm. DW was supposed to come, but got called to work.
So it was just the Jerk, DC, Porno and I. It was a very different night. We ordered thai instead of mexican and listened to alt rock instead of dub.
We also talked a lot more. There wasn't as much confusion - seven voices to four so you can understand. There was more bonding.
I was talking with DC out on the balcony - and the words just poured out of my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was declaring. It is weird to think that I am ready for more than just casual sex. I haven't felt ready in a long long time. I don't even think I ever have been ready. There were times in my loverboy days where I thought I was ready. That being said, things would have happened if it were true. We were in a different space then, and now I see that - especially when I see him with the petkeeper. I would not have been so afraid to even talk about it with him.
I wonder if my change of heart has anything to do with the new friends.
Can it be that I am the dogs to their pavlovian ways? I see happy couples and how they manage to stay together. I see friends who love and hate each other - but always with a level of respect. Then I want and mimic what I see?
I see myself being softer now. I don't seem to be as obsessed with being so tough. I even talk about things, that I never spoke of before, that could show too much about myself.
Straight boys vs. Gay boys.
This of course is the biggest difference in the friend groups. I know I still have a plethora of gay boys around, it is just different, I haven't submerged myself in the culture this year. I go to bars outside the gay ghetto - I barely step into these days. It isn't the fault of the gays, don't get me wrong. I was at fault - I gave a portion of my life to the gay scene - and had a blast. It was of my own
volition.
I just had a hard time with some of the strong personalites in my old circle. And when push came to shove, they didn't give me what I needed. Maybe I didn't tell them what I wanted, maybe they didn't care. Neither here nor there.
I am going up north this week. Nothing like a 10 hour roadtrip with your mother. I will see BigBoy and the Miner. There of course, will be no sex on this visit. Strange how things change so dramatically ...
PrisonBreak is coming back soon( what 2 months?). I truely hope that show doesn't ruin itself.
He probably wasn't out of city limits before I trashed our living room. I sat around in my underpants, after throwing my clothes on the other couch. I left plates and glasses out. Bags of garbage sitting on the coffee table. I left the dishes from our last meal sitting on the counter overnight, not even rinsed off. I reverted to my pig status.
Then I woke up the next morning. And I cleaned it all up immediately. The dishes were caked on and I had to soak them.
I dusted, swept, cleaned the litter box. I even managed to clean the bathroom - oh shit I forgot the mat - I will do that after this.
So there goes my life of sloth. I was under the misguided conclusion that I was tidier on account of respect of my roommate and his OCD cleaning tendencies. Turns out, I just like a clean house now.
I hate evolution.
It also turns out that I don't want to have sex with younger men anymore - unless we are attempting to fall in love.
It has been a startling revelation week.
(That was supposed to be the segway to this part - it is not a good transition)
Typically, I would have taken advantage of an empty apartment. I would have called over some man/boy and had some fun with him. I didn't though.
I said to myself - "self - go and get laid this week". Then I went to the movies with the Jerk instead.
Is this supposed to be what maturity feels like? It fucking sucks.
I came to this revelation when I was at my weekly card night. The kids and Titanium didn't come and neither did the other girls or bookworm. DW was supposed to come, but got called to work.
So it was just the Jerk, DC, Porno and I. It was a very different night. We ordered thai instead of mexican and listened to alt rock instead of dub.
We also talked a lot more. There wasn't as much confusion - seven voices to four so you can understand. There was more bonding.
I was talking with DC out on the balcony - and the words just poured out of my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was declaring. It is weird to think that I am ready for more than just casual sex. I haven't felt ready in a long long time. I don't even think I ever have been ready. There were times in my loverboy days where I thought I was ready. That being said, things would have happened if it were true. We were in a different space then, and now I see that - especially when I see him with the petkeeper. I would not have been so afraid to even talk about it with him.
I wonder if my change of heart has anything to do with the new friends.
Can it be that I am the dogs to their pavlovian ways? I see happy couples and how they manage to stay together. I see friends who love and hate each other - but always with a level of respect. Then I want and mimic what I see?
I see myself being softer now. I don't seem to be as obsessed with being so tough. I even talk about things, that I never spoke of before, that could show too much about myself.
Straight boys vs. Gay boys.
This of course is the biggest difference in the friend groups. I know I still have a plethora of gay boys around, it is just different, I haven't submerged myself in the culture this year. I go to bars outside the gay ghetto - I barely step into these days. It isn't the fault of the gays, don't get me wrong. I was at fault - I gave a portion of my life to the gay scene - and had a blast. It was of my own
volition.I just had a hard time with some of the strong personalites in my old circle. And when push came to shove, they didn't give me what I needed. Maybe I didn't tell them what I wanted, maybe they didn't care. Neither here nor there.
I am going up north this week. Nothing like a 10 hour roadtrip with your mother. I will see BigBoy and the Miner. There of course, will be no sex on this visit. Strange how things change so dramatically ...
PrisonBreak is coming back soon( what 2 months?). I truely hope that show doesn't ruin itself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)