I don't know if I like blogging anymore. I am feeling very internalized lately. There are so few of my friends who know this site, and even fewer who come here to read... yet I don't want to write how I am feeling now. Got to keep it all inside... it is like my own personal mantra.
I know it will be the death of me... anerysm - here we come... in like 12 years or something like that.
I just don't like talking about stuff. I don't like telling people when I fuck up. I don't want to bother people with my problems. And I don't want anything I say to come back to haunt me.
I make so many bad decisions in life. Seriously - the tax problem, the $5000 parking tickets, the not finishing school ( oh if only I meant college)...
If there is a bad decision to make for me - I take it.
It started in like the fourth grade. I was a loser child with barely any friends...I was picked on and made fun of constantly. But there was this one day - where Mrs. Carol left the class and everyone started to taunt Loriann Neilson. Calling her a turtle and such. At the time, I didn't even understand why people were calling her a turtle... i was dumb about this kinda stuff. Anyways, I totally gave in to the moment and started to call her a turtle too ( which is so stupid even now, upon reflection, becuase I didn't even know what I was babbling about - and she was my little friend. Never mean to me ever...)
Of course - Mrs. Carol comes back into the class and sees us all yelling at the poor girl. Me, being the closest to the door, she just glared at. I don't recall what she did to punish the class, but to this day - I remember her angry mouth pursed ..and glaring at me with the eyes of satan.
This little trip down nightmare lane is just and example of my impulse shopping through life. I make an impulse decision - and just go with it... always seemingly to forget the consequences.
Al Evan was another impulse buy. What a virginity breaking mistake that was. It was a party, and the very night I met him... but I got it into my head that I should get over this virginity bullshit. No thought of the tender moment I could have had later on... with someone else. I don't know who it would have been. Would it have been Dave? Somehow I doubt that. But really that would have been a fonder memory. He really cared about me... of course, he got me to impulse buy a criminal record. So - he got his place in my impulse shopping bag of life.
I have tried to curb this lifestyle of just doing things without thinking of the consequences down the road... but I still suffer. I still do stupid things. This work thing. I have really fucked up and now I don't know that I can't get out of it. I can feel how it is making me sick. I am not a child... yet I play childish games.
Fuck.
11.30.2006
11.23.2006
Shannon Needs...
If you google “
my friend
What The World Needs Now Is...
Who needs Silicon Valley, we have
Diddy decides that
And my personal favourite:
11.21.2006
Return to Innocence
Haven't been around much at all lately. Been working lots. Every weekend since October has been full... And there is no end in sight. These are busy times. It is good though - I am not bored like I used to be. No time for that.
Last weekend Bam came to town. She is a girl I have known for like 12 years or so - and at one time... I was her legal Guardian. Really this was in name only, as I was only 21 at the time, and not very responsible myself. I tried I guess, but I was so messy myself, it just all ended very badly and I have haboured a lot of guilt over the years about this. I always felt like I let her down, because no one else was going to help her.
Now it is years later, and she is great. She is married, owns a home, graduated from University and is not a licensed teacher. She is great.
And then she came to Toronto for a visit. It was a good weekend. She went out the Friday night with the Roomie - he took her on a tour of gay town. I didn't go as I was going to go to work on Saturday morning while they slept.
It turns out that I started to play some video game ( WORMS ARMAGEDDON if you care) and Bam woke up earlier than expected. She asked what I was playing and if she could try.
We began the video gaming weekend.
She didn't go shopping, I didn't go to work. We played video games all day and ordered in Pizza. We did manage to watch some TV with Roomie for a bit... And also managed to do so drinking too.
Sunday - see Saturday - except we ordered Thai.
It was a weekend of pajamas and liquor and take out food - and of course the Worms. It was great.
We managed to pry ourselves away by the evening, as her Husband returned from some Bachelor Party in the Muskokas. I finally got to meet him and he seems great. I do like him.
It was a lot of bonding and talking this weekend, which was great.
I can't wait for another weekend like this.
Last weekend Bam came to town. She is a girl I have known for like 12 years or so - and at one time... I was her legal Guardian. Really this was in name only, as I was only 21 at the time, and not very responsible myself. I tried I guess, but I was so messy myself, it just all ended very badly and I have haboured a lot of guilt over the years about this. I always felt like I let her down, because no one else was going to help her.
Now it is years later, and she is great. She is married, owns a home, graduated from University and is not a licensed teacher. She is great.
And then she came to Toronto for a visit. It was a good weekend. She went out the Friday night with the Roomie - he took her on a tour of gay town. I didn't go as I was going to go to work on Saturday morning while they slept.
It turns out that I started to play some video game ( WORMS ARMAGEDDON if you care) and Bam woke up earlier than expected. She asked what I was playing and if she could try.
We began the video gaming weekend.
She didn't go shopping, I didn't go to work. We played video games all day and ordered in Pizza. We did manage to watch some TV with Roomie for a bit... And also managed to do so drinking too.
Sunday - see Saturday - except we ordered Thai.
It was a weekend of pajamas and liquor and take out food - and of course the Worms. It was great.
We managed to pry ourselves away by the evening, as her Husband returned from some Bachelor Party in the Muskokas. I finally got to meet him and he seems great. I do like him.
It was a lot of bonding and talking this weekend, which was great.
I can't wait for another weekend like this.
11.09.2006
They Like me, they really like me.
| You Have Low Self Esteem 28% of the Time |
 Generally, you feel pretty darn great about who you are, even when you mess up or fail. Occasionally, a huge setback will make you question yourself, but you pick yourself up quickly. |
11.06.2006
Don't we make a nice couple?
It is insane to me that we can have this picture taken, and it means nothing. That is just stupid.
11.05.2006
FIL
My life is in a weird place still. I mentioned it some time ago, and things haven't changed a whole lot. At least not moving in the direction I had hoped for.
I have spent less time here - advising the stranger nation of my comings and goings... Of course, I have been busier with work. I am becoming what I thought I never would. I don't know if it is a permanent change yet, but I don't know that I like it.
I have been working 6 day weeks and working long days. 10 - 12 hours a couple times a week. It may not seem like a lot to some - I certainly live a priveledged life in many ways. One has to just take a moment to think of some 13 year old girl working in a sweat shop in southern China where she adds collars to shirts (cuz letting her learn a skill - like making a whole shirt - is too 'dangerous')- and realize I am just whining.
I am 33 and 3/4 years old. I am not married, I have no children, and at the rate I am going, I will be eating dog food at my retirement party. What kind of martini goes with that?
I know I am not defined by my choice (did I have a choice?) to not have a family early on. I know that will little to no formal education, I do pretty well. I have money to buy extra things and have some savings for the future. I just feel like I am wasting my life.
I didn't speak to anyone today. That is a lie. I spoke to Bookworm twice on the phone. And the guy at the store who sold me cigarettes and pizza pockets. My roommate is out of town for the weekend.
I spent all day watching television and playing video games and stealing music from the
internet. Is this what my life is meant to be?
I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't find anyone to spend my Saturday night with. It was like no one loved me for 5 hours. ... Until the Jerk called to go to a movie.
I know I am loved. I just hate that as I get older, it becomes more and more common for me to stay home and do nothing- alone. What did I do wrong to make this happen?
The only answer that I can come up with, is that I didn't and haven't yet, Fallen In Love * FIL.
FIL.
How can I not be in love? Why am I so inherently unlovable?
Everyone tells me they love me. All the time.
Yet no one wants to love me exclusively.
I have spent less time here - advising the stranger nation of my comings and goings... Of course, I have been busier with work. I am becoming what I thought I never would. I don't know if it is a permanent change yet, but I don't know that I like it.
I have been working 6 day weeks and working long days. 10 - 12 hours a couple times a week. It may not seem like a lot to some - I certainly live a priveledged life in many ways. One has to just take a moment to think of some 13 year old girl working in a sweat shop in southern China where she adds collars to shirts (cuz letting her learn a skill - like making a whole shirt - is too 'dangerous')- and realize I am just whining.
I am 33 and 3/4 years old. I am not married, I have no children, and at the rate I am going, I will be eating dog food at my retirement party. What kind of martini goes with that?
I know I am not defined by my choice (did I have a choice?) to not have a family early on. I know that will little to no formal education, I do pretty well. I have money to buy extra things and have some savings for the future. I just feel like I am wasting my life.
I didn't speak to anyone today. That is a lie. I spoke to Bookworm twice on the phone. And the guy at the store who sold me cigarettes and pizza pockets. My roommate is out of town for the weekend.
I spent all day watching television and playing video games and stealing music from the
internet. Is this what my life is meant to be?I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't find anyone to spend my Saturday night with. It was like no one loved me for 5 hours. ... Until the Jerk called to go to a movie.
I know I am loved. I just hate that as I get older, it becomes more and more common for me to stay home and do nothing- alone. What did I do wrong to make this happen?
The only answer that I can come up with, is that I didn't and haven't yet, Fallen In Love * FIL.
FIL.
How can I not be in love? Why am I so inherently unlovable?
Everyone tells me they love me. All the time.
Yet no one wants to love me exclusively.
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