Why Don't you find out for yourself.....

...then you'll see the glass hidden in the grass... and that is just the way it goes.

Morrissey had it right.

I can't see the glass until I find out for myself. I have found out for myself now... and I am sad to see the truth. I pretty much figured I had no chance with the Dreamweaver, not at all, and now I know this to be true.

He doesn't even see me like the other girls. I was never a contender at all. I was just grasping at straws I guess. Just wanted to see things that were innocent and commonplace. You know, a friendly gesture gets misconstrewed as whatever I want it to be... the present being one. He was just being nice cuz we hung out a couple times.

Sometimes Love is just not enough.

Love is a strange thing. Sometimes even before it becomes love - because it can't be love if it isn't a mutual feeling. It is still a strange thing. You would think that at this moment I would be happy, riding high on my latest event with the Dreamweaver. But no, I am here in misery, perhaps now with the full understanding that he is completely oblivious to my feelings for him.

I don't know. I am too afraid to ruin our new little arrangement, because I figure it can go no where if he knows my full intentions at this time. This may be a misguided thought process, that there is a good time for me to make some sort of move that represents the sign he needs to fall in love with me. It may never come, this perverbial right time. I think his clear interest in Strawberry shortcake ( regardless of her lack of interest back to him) - well they may not be the only thing obstrucking our love of all loves.

He bought me a bottle of liquor for Christmas. He wrote a little note, that he signed "love, dreamweaver" ( names have been changed to protect the identity of my muse). I know that he doesn't love me. Not the way I want him too. Is it even love that I want, really I just want some affection, and if that turns into love, then that is all the better.

I doubt he really loves me as a friend at all. We have only been really spending any quality time together for two months, less if you remove drunken parties. I am not attempting to sound pathetic at this moment, just writing down all the possibilities so I can correctly access things. Evalute the situation, with trying to remove myself from the facts to have some objective vison.

Our mutual friend really doesn't think he has any clue that i would be interested in more than this half assed friendship i have struck up with him. Though he is just a boy and his opinion is based on nothing of any true fact, I must take it into account.

I must also wait for new years for another chance to see how it all is. Strawberry shortcake will also be there, as will bookworm. I am sure it will end as a huge disaster. But I will be looking my best, even went out and bought a new outfit for the occasion. It is semiformal afterall.

Night night Bloggie.

P.S. The pic attached is supposed to represent the pining for a love that can never be. Go see this movie if you ever felt life is just too hard. This proves that life is nearly impossible and sometimes love is just not enough. Open minds people. Open minds.

In Limbo....again

If I was a pacer. I would be pacing right now. Not because there is some terrible personal tragedy that I am working through. I didn't lose my job, my best friend doesn't have cancer ( knock on wood), no one has died and no one said a hurtful word to me.

Yet I feel this anxiety - or maybe it is just frustration.

I recently touched myself in a special place, Judy Blume style- if you know what I mean, and I actually moaned the name of the boy I was thinking of at the time. I became so shocked by my pure letting-go moment that I immediately disbanded activities and went to bed.

It's not that my fantasies haven't gotten away from me before - I recall one time I shouted out to no one at a bus shelter, imagining a conversation I saw coming in the future. The embarrassment tripled when I saw the startled woman behind me waiting in the shelter doors. At the time, I must have seemed to be the craziest girl she had seen in some days...She must of thought I totally had gone off the deep end.
I know this is not the same thing, but I almost had the same feeling of shock of letting-go. I am not a girl who readily shows her emotions. I pride myself, sadly, in the idea that people have no idea of who I actually am. I like the idea that people only get to know the real me when I see fit. I know this speaks to control issues, and I occasionally entertain the idea that I should be more open. Afterall, the person I shield from the minions of earth's army of darkness are actually the ones that are going be the ones that save me....

Back to the point, until that moment, I didn't really think I still carried any sort of torch for the Dreamweaver. I thought I had laid that pipe dream to waste, deciding that his current job was not a road I wanted to go back down, that he wasn't going to be my white horsemen in the night. He could be - he gets high and plays star wars on the xbox. Its not even the new xbox. My god - how gauche.

I now am lying to myself that all the boys aren't just a distraction. I want more. For the first time in a long time, I have come to the conclusion that I want a boyfriend.
There. I have said it.
And I mean it.

Now all I can do is stop waiting and go out and get him.
All I have to do is get off the pot, or at least try to get him off it long enough to see I am the girl to keep him warm through the cold Canadian winter.

Dream Over?

I think I may able to put this dog to rest. The Dreamweaver is dream over. At least for the time being. I found him rather non-responsive in our last conversation. There are many factors in my decision that may seem a little quick - but I don't think this is the time after all to explore our current star of the blog.

I know that him being under the influence of 3 solid days of video games and steady stream of pot can make him seem a little less like the boy I have come to adore. The point being that I don't know that I want to spend my time with someone who would do nothing but play video games for 3 days solid. It seems a little wasteful. Oh no, the Judge has arrived.

But I still adore him.

I know that it is probably pointless. He is too oblivious to my greatness to fall for me. I can tell he doesn't realize the specialness that I see in him. He is too jaded to even bother seeing me... I get this a lot . I know it is shocking. Who doesn't want to fuck a fat girl? Seriously?

I know that just because I lost 5 pounds and got a hold of some smiles, it doesn't mean that I have become irresistable to hot downtown boys. It would be nice to know that I had a few of them, or one in particular, think about spending some time.

You know - fall in love and then worry how it will all work out. I am a hopeless romantic in these instances.

Ever since I fell in love with the Skateboarder in 9th grade. I used to write stories all the time where we would become friends in Keyboarding class and then he would fall in love with me. They all were pretty formula. There would always be some travesty event that would make him have to step up to the plate. Come to my rescue in the hall to a mean boy ( I think it was always that bastard Scott - I really hated that guy), or sometimes he would show up at my house after school and be all shy - because he didn't know I loved him already. I would always write some stupid dinner in that I was making for the family - and it would end up burning - we would have to put out the fire, and somehow we would end up kissing... you see where all this is going. It was all so "sweet valley high" on account that it was all that I read for an entire summer when I moved to Toronto and didn't know anyone....

Don't tell anyone I was this ridiculous please. I do have an image to uphold.

Back to reality... I have decided to lie low regardign the Dreamweaver situation. I know I will see him in three weeks - worst case scenario. It would be good to have some distance from my immediate lustable boy. I need to see if he is still this perfection that I have built up in my mind. I suspect he won't be - but that is being too negative now isn't it.

Dream On.....Dream weaver

I find myself at a crossroads when I think about my life and where I am and where I want to be. I know I have two distinct paths to chose from - yet I stand here. I feel so naked inside. I am so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I choose not to choose. I know in my heart that it is the stupidest choice - yet I still keep on doing it... Doing nothing.

I don't know why I started down this path of none choicing. Where did it start -and more importantly why - but it has become the one true thing I ve come to regret. I feel it holding me down everyday. Standing on my chest - sometimes it is all I can do to just breathe.

I know it is dramatic to say such things - but if I don't truly see me for what I am, and not what I think I portray, then how can I grow? How can I make the choice to move at least one step, the hardest step of all.

I have been feeling myself evolving lately - preparing for my new way. Nearly on the cusp of that first step. I know that first step has got to be Dreamweaver - one way or another. I don't even know how it came to be that it will be him - but it has. I think it may have just been the time, or maybe fate, if such things really do exist at all.
We, to me, have a connection - that he can see me for what I am - and he isn't terrified. Like we have some unspoken understanding that we are who we are - and we are going to be o.k. with it. Regardless how odd it is for the both of us. Or at least this is what I hope he is feeling everytime he looks into my eyes.
Its not that I haven't been close to another person before. Loverboy being the glaring example of this, but I am different than I was then. It is a brand new day over here.

I know that there is a chance that he doesn't want to explore this life with me - that I am just a distraction from a fucked up world. That there is solace in something that seems to be so easy. That being our new friendship, and not much further in his mind. But I don't think I can go through the standing-by-and-feeling-this-way-thing again.

Besides - I know that he must have something going on when it comes to me... Thurs night was too great. I wanted to write magical - but my cynicism refuses such notions. At least today.

Something is happening - and I have to take my step - before the road closes up on me. And I know that can happen - it is just realizing the moment and taking a hold of it.

Luck to me.