He probably wasn't out of city limits before I trashed our living room. I sat around in my underpants, after throwing my clothes on the other couch. I left plates and glasses out. Bags of garbage sitting on the coffee table. I left the dishes from our last meal sitting on the counter overnight, not even rinsed off. I reverted to my pig status.
Then I woke up the next morning. And I cleaned it all up immediately. The dishes were caked on and I had to soak them.
I dusted, swept, cleaned the litter box. I even managed to clean the bathroom - oh shit I forgot the mat - I will do that after this.
So there goes my life of sloth. I was under the misguided conclusion that I was tidier on account of respect of my roommate and his OCD cleaning tendencies. Turns out, I just like a clean house now.
I hate evolution.
It also turns out that I don't want to have sex with younger men anymore - unless we are attempting to fall in love.
It has been a startling revelation week.
(That was supposed to be the segway to this part - it is not a good transition)
Typically, I would have taken advantage of an empty apartment. I would have called over some man/boy and had some fun with him. I didn't though.
I said to myself - "self - go and get laid this week". Then I went to the movies with the Jerk instead.
Is this supposed to be what maturity feels like? It fucking sucks.
I came to this revelation when I was at my weekly card night. The kids and Titanium didn't come and neither did the other girls or bookworm. DW was supposed to come, but got called to work.
So it was just the Jerk, DC, Porno and I. It was a very different night. We ordered thai instead of mexican and listened to alt rock instead of dub.
We also talked a lot more. There wasn't as much confusion - seven voices to four so you can understand. There was more bonding.
I was talking with DC out on the balcony - and the words just poured out of my mouth before I even had time to think about what I was declaring. It is weird to think that I am ready for more than just casual sex. I haven't felt ready in a long long time. I don't even think I ever have been ready. There were times in my loverboy days where I thought I was ready. That being said, things would have happened if it were true. We were in a different space then, and now I see that - especially when I see him with the petkeeper. I would not have been so afraid to even talk about it with him.
I wonder if my change of heart has anything to do with the new friends.
Can it be that I am the dogs to their pavlovian ways? I see happy couples and how they manage to stay together. I see friends who love and hate each other - but always with a level of respect. Then I want and mimic what I see?
I see myself being softer now. I don't seem to be as obsessed with being so tough. I even talk about things, that I never spoke of before, that could show too much about myself.
Straight boys vs. Gay boys.
This of course is the biggest difference in the friend groups. I know I still have a plethora of gay boys around, it is just different, I haven't submerged myself in the culture this year. I go to bars outside the gay ghetto - I barely step into these days. It isn't the fault of the gays, don't get me wrong. I was at fault - I gave a portion of my life to the gay scene - and had a blast. It was of my own
volition.I just had a hard time with some of the strong personalites in my old circle. And when push came to shove, they didn't give me what I needed. Maybe I didn't tell them what I wanted, maybe they didn't care. Neither here nor there.
I am going up north this week. Nothing like a 10 hour roadtrip with your mother. I will see BigBoy and the Miner. There of course, will be no sex on this visit. Strange how things change so dramatically ...
PrisonBreak is coming back soon( what 2 months?). I truely hope that show doesn't ruin itself.
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