Cool as a cucumber....

I have never been good with waiting around and waiting on people. I grow very impatient with friends who are consistenly late. I loathe when my cat won't come sit in my lap when I am prepared to love him. Really, I hate it when anyone doesn't do as I desire. It annoys me. I can't help it... this is why I am in a pure hell right now.

I feel so at a loss of the complete control I demand in my life.

As I sit here and type, I want to chain smoke just to keep busy and stop the constant buzz the inside of my body. It is like I have guzzled 15 cups of coffee. The blood, just under the skin is moving so quickly, I don't see how I haven't imploded yet tonight.

I hate this cycle I am in. I know this is his way. I know that he, much like myself, is very closed and doesn't open up easily. That this is the way to get to know someone, slowly, with days in between. It builds up the anticipation of it all. Makes it beter. I get that. I just don't like it.

I am impatient by nature and have always tried to speed up time. Countdowns to the weekend, leaving for trips hours earlier than planned. Forever being at a meeting spot 10 minutes early just to start it all as soon as possible. This is my way, and I don't know how to be any other way.

I just see how this is a different experience for me, and I like it ( I think), so I just want to start it all up now. Do it all now, and start the new adventure. All this starting and stopping. The great night together, the great talks, the touches, the feeling of total warmth for an entire blink of an eye. And now nothing. Anticipation and excitement and terror and unsureness until our next occasion to speak.

I just want to call him and ask how his little thing went today. See if they sold a bunch of books or not. See if he had the hangover I assume he had.

We held hands and cuddled. He asked me if I had ever been in love.

So until then I must remain cool as a cucumber and wait.

My favourite game.

Ah next time.