I don't know if I like blogging anymore. I am feeling very internalized lately. There are so few of my friends who know this site, and even fewer who come here to read... yet I don't want to write how I am feeling now. Got to keep it all inside... it is like my own personal mantra.
I know it will be the death of me... anerysm - here we come... in like 12 years or something like that.
I just don't like talking about stuff. I don't like telling people when I fuck up. I don't want to bother people with my problems. And I don't want anything I say to come back to haunt me.
I make so many bad decisions in life. Seriously - the tax problem, the $5000 parking tickets, the not finishing school ( oh if only I meant college)...
If there is a bad decision to make for me - I take it.
It started in like the fourth grade. I was a loser child with barely any friends...I was picked on and made fun of constantly. But there was this one day - where Mrs. Carol left the class and everyone started to taunt Loriann Neilson. Calling her a turtle and such. At the time, I didn't even understand why people were calling her a turtle... i was dumb about this kinda stuff. Anyways, I totally gave in to the moment and started to call her a turtle too ( which is so stupid even now, upon reflection, becuase I didn't even know what I was babbling about - and she was my little friend. Never mean to me ever...)
Of course - Mrs. Carol comes back into the class and sees us all yelling at the poor girl. Me, being the closest to the door, she just glared at. I don't recall what she did to punish the class, but to this day - I remember her angry mouth pursed ..and glaring at me with the eyes of satan.
This little trip down nightmare lane is just and example of my impulse shopping through life. I make an impulse decision - and just go with it... always seemingly to forget the consequences.
Al Evan was another impulse buy. What a virginity breaking mistake that was. It was a party, and the very night I met him... but I got it into my head that I should get over this virginity bullshit. No thought of the tender moment I could have had later on... with someone else. I don't know who it would have been. Would it have been Dave? Somehow I doubt that. But really that would have been a fonder memory. He really cared about me... of course, he got me to impulse buy a criminal record. So - he got his place in my impulse shopping bag of life.
I have tried to curb this lifestyle of just doing things without thinking of the consequences down the road... but I still suffer. I still do stupid things. This work thing. I have really fucked up and now I don't know that I can't get out of it. I can feel how it is making me sick. I am not a child... yet I play childish games.
Fuck.
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3 comments:
You know, you actually do sound like a nice lady. I think we have all had "moments" in life. I know I certainly have. Folks should learn not to be so hard on themselves.
There but for the Grace of God go I. We all appear to be perfect to everyone else, but we all know the truths about ourselves.
Josie
I knew something was wrong. I could tell you were holding back the other day when I asked you if everything was okay, but I didn't want to push you. I think it's time you spilled.
Love ya
I can relate. I can't tell you how many stupid or impulsive things I've done against my better judgment or for some "lesser" reason. On the upside, it keeps life interesting.
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