I find myself so lost right now. There is just no way out of this full fledged depression I find myself in.
There is no facet of my life that is not riddled with stress. I hate the holidays. I have for some few years... there is no joy at all. Christmas is nothing but stress and work and loneliness. Life is pretty much loneliness these days. Even when everyone is around. Nothing feels good anymore.
I just find myself crying all the time ( being every couple days) - nothing seems to change.
I am broke, my family is becoming steadily one huge invalid. My job is so busy and there is no relief - no help. I just feel like I am going through the motions until... well until nothing. there Is nothing to work for, towards, why?
I just feel like there is no one to talk to about this stuff.
My friends are all concerned and ask me about my dad and how I am... And I appreciate that. I just can't bring myself to talk about anything with them. I see how I have been withdrawing from them all. I just don't see why there is any point to talking about this stuff. Nothing they say or do ( even by just listening) can change this life I have.
And yet, with all this knowledge - I still don't know how to fix it.
I just know I don't want to hear about other people's problems. My cousin called me today to dump all his emotional shit off. I don't get him, he knows my dad is sick and wants to come over and cry because his girlfriend wants to only date him, and not live with him. Oh fucking boo hoo.
My roommate's sis called too. I talked to her - but I avoided any topic that would bring about her talking about her current problems.It all felt so superficial to me. I just didn't want to hear it - which is so unfair. I know this is how I have made myself up - I deal with peoples shit or just listen. It is the personality type I was born with. People like to talk about themselves and their problems... But I just don't want to do it myself.
* please understand that I know that people work out stuff by talking... I am not complaining about others - because I just love them and want to listen... Just not right now. Just not today.
This is just getting stupid... and whiney.
2 comments:
it's not stupid, it's how you feel. You don't have to approve this comment, actually please don't. If you want to talk to someone about you... I'll listen. I guess that's all an eAcquaintance can offer. jlimm1@gmail.com ...I have seasonal affective disorder, so this time of year is kinda rough for me too. I hope you can start feeling better soon.
Hey, I understand. Sometimes you're just not up for other people's stuff. Nothing wrong with that.
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