Brave New World

I have spent the last few months relearning how to be a human again.

 It's almost like I've come out of a coma - only instead of lying in bed for 5 years, I've been wandering the earth in someone else's shell.  This person looks like me, sounds like me, but wasn't me.

There's year one where I lived in a condo alone, for the first time in many years.  I have nearly no recollection of what I did there - aside from a lot of Seinfeld reruns and drinking with Big John.

 I could go on about the following years, but it's  a real drag and it's not all fun.... so I am going to put all that away.  That isn't what this is about. This is about a boy.

I have recently taken to going out again.  It's been fun, I forgot what it's like to have some drinks and some laughs.  I highly recommend going out with your friends, and maybe make some new friends... it really gets you out of a rut.
I have lived a life in the big city where going out has been the answer many times.  Dancing, drinks, laughs... always improves my mood.  I've enjoyed it greatly, but haven't had many experiences where I actually meet men in the real world who are into me.  I had resided myself to the idea that it just wasn't in the cards for me to meet men anywhere other than online.

Now, don't get me wrong... dating etc. online has been very fruitful over the years and I've met some great men who were fun for short period of times.  Single serving boyfriends if you will... we never argue, we never go out, no presents.... sometimes we order in some food and cuddle.... but that is the extent of emotional attachment.  Oh, and there was all the sex too.  All of the interesting, uninhibited sex.  There is something to be said for having sex with men who you don't love... you never worry that you're going to mess up a good thing... so you take chances.  Try interesting things.  I've learned a lot about sex and how boys work.

Unfortunately, I've gotten to the point where it isn't enough.  Somewhere over the years, I've developed an interest in love and affection and it's ruining me for the better.

I've gone a handful of dates in the last year, all of them found online and none of them seem to be of any long term value to me.  I quickly discover that talking online just doesn't get the details you get on a first date.  For example, you don't see the borderline homophobia or lack of maturity as quickly online as a dinner for two hours recently taught me.

I have all but abandoned online in the last two months... as I have met someone (in a bar) who may or may not be into dating me.  I don't know for sure, as it moving at the most glacial pace.  My clues seem to be chivalrous in nature, a coat in the cold, a lighter in the dark, and genuine questions about my life.  It's been nice to talk to someone who's decent and not going through the paces until he gets me into a bedroom.

That being said, it's been 10 minute intervals every 5 days or so.  No phone number exchanges, and no meetings outside of one bar.  

So far, I've enjoyed the does he / doesn't he battle in my head. The times where I see him, but he doesn't approach at all.  Then I assume I've read it wrong... then he asks me what I'm doing on Saturday night...but finding out I've got plans to play risk with my buddies.   I didn't really think about what was happening at the time, but upon reflection - this might have been the move that I missed out on.

 Was he going to ask me to do something?  Cuz who asks someone what they are doing randomly like that when we aren't even established friends. WHO???

I have grown anxious at this point.  I want something to happen.  I don't even know if I like him, as I only get glorified small talk in small bursts.  I need a proper uninterrupted 30 minutes to figure it out.

It;s time to tip it in my favour, only I have no game.

I have no problem navigating the online world and getting to the point after a few emails and texts, but it all eludes me in person.  I don't know how to flirt and not come off like a whore or a lame ass and waiting for him to get to something has proven very frustrating... I know |I'm supposed to enjoy this part of it - but I do not.

It is consuming me.