I find myself a little confused today. I don't seem all that smart today. I don't know if it is the Full Moon - but something has definitely gone ary. ( Is that how you spell it?)
I spent yesterday with my lost friend, Dreamweaver. He came over, we talked about some serious stuff - stuff I think he lied about a little, we ate food - he fell alseep. End of evening.
He slept for 12 hours solid. On my couch.
Now, I know this seems like a bold movement in our relationship - but it is not. The problem here is the drugs. The DRUGS.
I know that he has been using drugs again, and I think I was a little naive about it - on account that I have never truely felt the pains of a drug addiciton ( aside from nicotine that is). I always thought, well if you think you are doing to many drugs, just tame it down. Harm reduction is a great concept - if you can handle it.
No one sleeps like he did. Not unless you have been doing copious amounts of bad drugs for awhile. He was out... it took 5 minutes for him to nod off - and could not be woken. I didn't mind the sleeping part so much - it says alot that someone feels so comfortable that they fall alseep on your couch. It was more the issue that he was recently high - unlike his statements to me a few minutes earlier.
But I didn't want to think that. I was just thinking it was the stresses of his life right now. There are too many to list here... but his life is far from easy going and secure. Again, this is mostly due to his own bad choices, but still I feel sad knowing his life. He is such a lost gentle soul.
I could gush about his great qualities, but you could just read like the last 15 entires to gage that. Needless to say, I am fond of him.
Yet the way I am fond is changing. I now find myself feeling very maternal towards him. I still see all that I like in him, but now see that he is really messed up. He has made many mistakes in the past and will most likely spend the rest of his life of his life making up for those mistakes to the people around him.
Our mutual friend, in particular, is hard on him. I don't really like it, but then again, I didn't really see all the bad times with DW back in the day. I have heard and I do see how people look and talk about and to him. I can see that there is a lot of bad water passing around. I just think that if people had a little compassion now, it would be what he needs to be a better man.
Then again, he isn't going to rehab. Which may be a place he needs to go? I know other people have come back from the dark side with out the aide of a facility - but maybe he needs more. Needs to learn self control or something.
The point of all this, is that after I talked to the mutual friend today, I realized that he was lying about how deep he is in it all. He was high much more recent than he had admitted to. He basically came down at my place. And I didn't even realize. I didn't see the signs, didn't want to see the signs.
I joked recently with DC about how Dreamweaver was my new project. At the time I was really just trying to convey how I wasn't interested in DW, leaving the floor open to DC> but now I really think he is going to be my project. I figure until something dissuades me , I can be there for him in whatever capacity he needs. Even if it is a clean home to pass out in.
Until either I realize he is a lost cause ( like our mutual friend insists he is), or he refuses to accept my friendship anymore, I feel I have to be there. No one else is going to these days. And if I remember to not let him hurt me, then nothing but good can come from this. Right????
PS I want a Kengle hat now, they look awesome on me.
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