Pride in the Name of Love

I used to always wonder why pride is a deadly sin. People are always going on about taking pride your appearance, your work, your heritage. Isn't this some sort of religious oxymoron?
As the years go by though, I start to understand it.

I really think I have turned into a bigger bitch lately, if this is even possible. It is true- I take pride in the fact that under pressure, I can really put the bitch in me to work. It is a shameful practice, but I do it all the same.

Now I am not a bitch for no good reason. There is always a reason. Sometimes it is hard to understand the reasons (when you are not me) - but they are validated in my head. I just go to extremes with it.

Bitching as a hobby, out of love, can it be that bad?

Take my current status. I have been bitchy and quite nearly mean to one individual for a few days now. I didn't really realize it until today - I was really start to pull out all the stops. At first I thought it was because my cycle is coming, and I get a little hard to handle beforehand. But then it occurred to me, there is a real reason.

I do not deal well with rejection. It probably goes back to my childhood. I pretty much was a reject of society for the better part of my first 14 years on this planet. Sure - I probably exaggerate this point, but it is quite nearly true.
I was fat, homely, maybe smelly and had glasses. You know me, I was in your class. Maybe you picked on me, or played tricks on me, or maybe you just ignored me. It's fine. I understand.
Then I moved to Toronto, where no one knew me. And I decided that things were going to be different. I joined clubs, I bought earrings, I tried to have some fun. And you know what - it worked. I had friends. Mostly geeks - but I have an art of conversation or something - cuz even the non-geeks were nice to me. It was a great experiment. I adopted it when the parents up and moved me back to the same shithole town I came from.

The one true thing that I carried over from the bad years though, was the hatred of being treated badly by people around me. Being ignored or forgotten is the worse thing that you can do to me. And I won't have it anymore.

Case and point, my current struggle is with my dear dear friend, the Jerk. He is a great guy and I know that he loves me. He just doesn't understand that he can't turn on and off this love as it suits his needs or mood. He can't be an asshole because life isn't going his way and expect people around him to accept it, because we love him. Just like the rest of us, he is accountable.

So, in a passive agressive manner, I choose to be rude back to him and make him feel a little of how he has made me feel in recent memory. It really isn't that hard, I just do to him, what he does to me or others. More so me, but sometimes I do random things.

I am hoping that he will realize what it is I am doing, and we can confront the situation. Confrontation is not his strong suit at all. Dealing with problems - also no good.

I am hoping that this will be a good thing, and that I am not just ruining another friendship by being too much of a bitch.