FIL

My life is in a weird place still. I mentioned it some time ago, and things haven't changed a whole lot. At least not moving in the direction I had hoped for.

I have spent less time here - advising the stranger nation of my comings and goings... Of course, I have been busier with work. I am becoming what I thought I never would. I don't know if it is a permanent change yet, but I don't know that I like it.

I have been working 6 day weeks and working long days. 10 - 12 hours a couple times a week. It may not seem like a lot to some - I certainly live a priveledged life in many ways. One has to just take a moment to think of some 13 year old girl working in a sweat shop in southern China where she adds collars to shirts (cuz letting her learn a skill - like making a whole shirt - is too 'dangerous')- and realize I am just whining.

I am 33 and 3/4 years old. I am not married, I have no children, and at the rate I am going, I will be eating dog food at my retirement party. What kind of martini goes with that?
I know I am not defined by my choice (did I have a choice?) to not have a family early on. I know that will little to no formal education, I do pretty well. I have money to buy extra things and have some savings for the future. I just feel like I am wasting my life.
I didn't speak to anyone today. That is a lie. I spoke to Bookworm twice on the phone. And the guy at the store who sold me cigarettes and pizza pockets. My roommate is out of town for the weekend.
I spent all day watching television and playing video games and stealing music from the internet. Is this what my life is meant to be?
I went for a long walk last night. I couldn't find anyone to spend my Saturday night with. It was like no one loved me for 5 hours. ... Until the Jerk called to go to a movie.
I know I am loved. I just hate that as I get older, it becomes more and more common for me to stay home and do nothing- alone. What did I do wrong to make this happen?
The only answer that I can come up with, is that I didn't and haven't yet, Fallen In Love * FIL.

FIL.
How can I not be in love? Why am I so inherently unlovable?
Everyone tells me they love me. All the time.
Yet no one wants to love me exclusively.