Puppetmaster by day, Minion by night.

I find myself newly lost. Grappling with my two sides. It happens from time to time. Don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to... usually out of boredom. Sometimes anxiety takes over... it is natural. I am human afterall.

Only, what I am feeling now... is not common to me. In fact, it is so foreign... I have no idea on how to procede. Lost. Lame. I might well need to be put down permanently. I am at a war with myself. Fighting the urge to do what I always do, or to make a change.

I have been enjoying the company of boys for a spell now. After a 14 month hiatus, I have decided to experiment in pleasure. Not something I take lightly at all.I deserve pleasure, and feel that after a long time of denial, I can do as I please. So I have. In about the same time as lunar cycle, I have entertained 4 seperate boys... and could entertain more.. but I have stopped... temporarily.

I have met a boy - "D" for our purposes. He is older than I like, chunkier than I like, ruder than I expect. He is a little bossy. He has facial hair. He tells occasional racist jokes. He, from what I can see, drinks too much and does too many drugs. He gives me an empty glass and says "get me a drink!". No please, no apologies.

Now I don't want you to think he is rude, as he isn't most of the time. Apologetic about things, thinks of me , asks me questions about my life, my friends, my habits, me... he does all the good stuff you would expect a man to do when he likes a woman. He is just forceful about certain things. It's demanding, sexy... awesome.

It is a place I haven't been to often, minion that is. He is in total control of me. I haven't reverted to my whole " no one tells me anything, ever" routine that I spout so well at even the slightest sign of oppression. I, instead, sit and wait for his call. I am at his mercy.

I don't know how long I will wait... I don't know how to wait. Should I even wait? Is he even that much into me? The very nature of our meeting dictates that this is nothing, yet I am obsessed with him. And it isn't just the orgasm. Typically, I just moved onto the next boy when it was time... it is my nature ( typically). Why get bogged down with all the relationship thing, it has become apparent that I am a Fetish. And a fetish that is in demand. *Who knew BBW Cougar was en vogue?

The problem is this. "D" is so sexy to me... and I don't know how or why. I look at his pictures on stupid Facebook and melt ( this didn't really start until after he had left my home). I think back to our crazy night together... and long for more... even the wierd parts where he got to high and rambled on about nothing. The passion, the passion was incredible. I need more of it. It's not even a want. It all worked so well, the flow of our conversations ( once he came down). I realized I actually like him as a person ( something that doesn't happen often with these boys)... no small feat at all. Now, there have been boys I have become infatuated with before. Dreamweaver being a prime example. But he was a mere crush. Loverboy.. well we don't need to talk about him.. that is something that is different as well.

I just feel girly with "D". Even for a few hours, I felt like I was his girl. He would throw an arm around me.. or demand that I drape across him as we slept... Things I haven't felt for a long time, or ever before.

Being me and being treated like a girl... the two haven't happened before. My mind is a mess... cuz i want more. To make sure I like it?... or was it just a novelty? Who knows. Not I.

Until then - I am at his mercy.

I don't even understand it myself.