I have really wasted my time on this earth. I think about all the things I could have done differently... well not all of them... that is millions of choices. I do think about times where I could have chosen a different path for myself. Most of these involved boys or men, well mostly boys to be honest. Now, I am not completely driven by my sex-ness.. there are other times I think of the other paths I could have chosen... but this is not the place for those.
I find myself thinking back to those times - those times when I could have kissed a boy... or let him kiss me... I think back now to the times where I was too shy, to afraid to even acknowledge that is what i wanted... or just too stupid to realize that there was a moment... and I pretended not to see, hear or feel it.
Of course, fate-believers will tell you that everything happens for a reason... and these boys were not the right ones. I don't know that to be true. If it were fate, these boys wouldn't all be married, or in long term relationships, or wouldn't be crack heads.... would they? Fate would be cruel to show me all that I could have had.... by allowing me to see these men, now boys... now.
Wouldn't fate let them be dreams of the past, moulding me for the big one? Instead of slowly making me a cynic?
I will be 37 years old next week... and I don't think I have ever been in love. I don't even recall anyone every saying that they were in love with me. What kinda sad state of affairs are they ?that?
What is it that I am doing wrong? It must be something...
Will 37 be the year I change and become what it is that people want?
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