Why can't I get that Hoe Down?

I have spent the last couple days thinking about this party I went to on the weekend. I hadn't thought about updating here... As my drunken blog of that night was enough. That is kinda a lie though. I just didn't want to write down the hard stuff.

These couple of days I have turned over the night over and over. Trying to figure out a couple of things:

1. Was Bookworm's behaviour warranted? Does he realize what he did was wrong? Was he doing anything wrong at all? Was he just upgrading? 2. Why didn't I take that boy home.

Now, the deal with Bookworm is simple. Awhile back he suggested all these events we would do. Then I called to confirm one, and he didn't call back. Then this party. I was pissed at him for treating me this way. I hate how people don't call back about plans... Especially when it was their idea to begin with. It is like being pushed down a tier in the friendship circle. It is just rude. So, I didn't really pay any attention to BW at this party. I actually spent as little time as possible near him. It seems that this didn't matter to him at all, as he spent the whole night talking to some other girl.
This is when I realized that all the tricks he was pulling on me - all this time- were acts of flirtations. I came to this discovery as I watched him do these things with this new girl. So, right in front of me, a week later, he does this.
a.Does this make him an asshole?
b.Did I not give him the attention he desired beforehand? I don't think this is it - cuz he didn't fucking call back.
c.Did he see a way of upgrading to a better girl? ( not really better, but maybe in his mind a better option)

I think a and c apply here. Nice guy my ass. This is the exact reason I hated him before. Stupid Bookworm. I AM GLAD I STOLE HIS WHIP.

The new boy.

He isn't really going to be a new boy. He was just an event that has thrown me in a whirlwind of inner searching. He is more representative of my dating life until now. The hows and whys of my failures if you will.

His name? I don't want to even make one up. His name is Max. He is 20. He suggested he go home with me. He held my hand and kissed me softly on the cheek.

I let him go. Leave - probably never to see him again. I assume that is the best bet - since it could never work. Thirteen years? I got my period before he was born.

See - this is the problem I think. I thought about it too much and decided against it. I don't understand why having a good night with this boy would have been so horrible. We got along and laughed most of the night. He had this schtick about how he was a pimp who worked for me - and I keep him in line. It was funny. He had an accent... Calling me Mama. Now I hate being called Mama. It makes me feel gross... And fatter ( if that is even possible). Stigmas kill me.

Strangely, when I told some of my female friends of this term of endearment, they thought it was sexy. They were girls who date black guys mostly. I think it is a cultural thing maybe.

The point is this. This guy found me attractive enough to say "When that hat leaves, I hope this hat is leaving too". Ohwait. That makes no sense to you does it?

I had a cowboy hat on, as everyone else did. Cowboy,Hodown party. Max had a hat too, but not a cowboy hat. A purple Pimp hat ( he is different it seems). I left it on the fridge, cuz it was too hot. I was "leaving" a few times and would say good bye. But never left and kept meeting up with Max again. I just said simply..." When you see that hat on the fridge gone, I am gone". That is when he pointed first to my hat, said the first part of his line, then pointed to his own hat for the latter.
Back to my point. All I had to do is call a cab and it was done. I couldn't do it. It is like some internal nightmare I cast upon myself to refuse things I deserve.
I deserve the affection of an attractive boy.
I don't have to wait for someone to come along who is more suited to me. I am stupid and sick inside. This is what I have been thinking about.

This boy was most likely a one-off... I can't say I am pining for him or anything. Just wondering what is my problem. I know what the problem is ... Just have to move on to the next level, the cure.

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Oh just as an aside. I have cancelled two invitations to go over the Dreamweavers place. He is disappointed. I have to be better with him. Poor guy. Trying so hard to be a better man.