Testing, Testing, Anyone out there?

You know what? I feel like a test pattern. The same picture, every day, and it changes for a little while, but it always comes back to the test pattern. Once 2am shows up, it is stagnant colour stripes and that horrid piercing whine of "no programming". That is who I am. Fucking Test Pattern.

Apparently, Bookworm is as well.

Of course, the seething anger that I feel at this moment is fresh, from my long rainy cab ride home from His party, and it may even pass as quickly as it arrived. My mind is my own worst enemy. Time to churn things over. And this is when I come to object of my anger. It's me. I am the test pattern. I try to change my ways, because obviously, they fail me. Granted, everytime they do get a little better. But in the end, I am the same stupid toneless blob of colour that graces the TV screen everynight at 2am.

The party was decent, not a lot of people I knew - which was weird. But I did know a few of the guys from Baseball. A couple I knew from previous parties, a girl I had heard lots about, but never met before and of course, Porno and Titanium came by, and that was comforting.

So my test pattern issue.

I now know I want this guy. It has started. I get nervous about our meetings, I can't look him in the eye, I get quiet.
This is the problem. When I like him, I pull back. Terrified that he will know I like him. This is what I do, it is always the way I have been and I don't get it.
I need a sign. And it can't be something casual, like coming over at a party and putting his arm around me. I need a blatant sign that says " someday I want to be inside you, can we start working towards that now". Of course, just saying these words as is, won't do - a little too crass. And I apologize for putting them here.

I saw some good things happen today. I got a wink, a cheers silently from across the party. He was attentive to me and not as touchy as with the other girls... Which is good, as the other girl I was worried about was there... The one that other people want to hook him up with.. But there was no chemistry going on that I saw.

I did get the arm around me thing - only I killed that badly. I was smoking and had a drink in hand. I didn't want my smoke to bother him, so I kinda didn't stay in the position. It was good in the end though, cuz we both did this awkward thing with our hands touching, at our sides, and it was nearly a hand hold. Oh god. I am 13 again.
See, why can't we just do something. We are both so terrified of people in our personal areas.
Finding out our secrets.

He mentioned that he thought I wasn't coming. On account of the Jerk being out of town, and since he is my solid, Bookworm assumed I wouldn't show.

He has been paying attention to me though it seems.
People don't notice my weird stranger thing, or at least they don't realize that is why it is happening. He does, and he mentioned it. I think it is because, he has it too.

Again, he mentioned that he hasn't met my roommate yet. This is odd to me as nearly everyone else had already. Also odd since my roommate is one of my closest friends of all time. He wants an invite for dinner. I think I should do something about this.

The good bye was lame and empty. Of course, it was late, we were a little drunk, and it was in front of Titanium.

I would like to hold hands or something stupid. Move this along, but I think I have to wait for him to do it. Not just cuz I am a freak who can't put herself out on the line, but because I think that is how this guy operates.
I just need to get this moving in the right direction, and try a new pattern - this test one is old and broken.