Nutshell

Spent an easy day at home... making pasta sauce and doing laundry. Daylight savings has truly motivated me it seems. All remnants of the party of Friday night are essentially gone. The house is back to normal after days of pure mayhem and disorder... not that I mind it in that condition. Its the condition of my mind that I am more concerned about.

Life has become difficult in 2008. It gets harder and harder to avoid the pressure and subsequent loneliness that comes with it. The boys have always been a great temporary distraction from the reality that my life has become.

Haven't spent any time with boys in some time now... more than 2 months. Not for a shortage of opportunities or anything like that... as every week there is a new one popping up that seems decent enough... but they just don't seem to hold my interest to even meet them. They just seem to pale in comparison to my dream of what could be with Mr. Leto. I know that spending all this time with him has come be detrimental to my psyche... but I adore spending the time with him... getting a chance to smell him... to bond. I know he feels it too... he calls me... he never did that before.. and I know he listens to my opinions and comes back to talk about them again... and he went out and bought an album of a group I recommended... and fell in love with it...It's the small things that are building. I wish he could just cross the line a little with me...

I know that spending more time with him won't make him find me attractive to pursue. I just hope that it does. He recently told me about how he went out west and gushed to his friends about my awesomeness. How he wished we all could hang out, and all have a good time together... he admits this is his selfish thought. I like the idea. Just for different reasons.... that fact that he wants me to meet his close friends means something of such great value... more than sex could ever offer, even from him.

Talking to him after the party was winding down, him asking me personal questions ... it just endears me more to him. Cuz now, its different... in that he cares and wants to know about me. Even if it is just out of pure friendship and nothing more - it feels great and I want it all. I want all I can have... and this is the detriment... as nothing else seems as satisfying in my daily life.

I know I sound lame and nothing but bad can come from this... but for those tender private moments of pure connection - I might be willing to wait in vain for a long long time.