Talked to loverboy the other day. It is changing already. I thought it could work on this friend level.. but I don't think it can.
We talked and it was a little awkward. I don't know what to say - don't want to be rude about his girlfriend - that is unfair.
But then i recognized a bit of an angry tone with him. He seems to see something in my words as trouble and he gets defensive.
I am trying to be a good friend and not a jealous girl. And that is Fucking Hard. I don't talk aobut how he doesn't call me or hang out with me as much as he did weeks ago. I know the deal with that. Sex makes a boy stay close to home.
I listen to all he wants to say. I know that it is an us and them thing. Only I used to be an Us and now I am a Them. I wish i could just go out and find a boy to love to replace Loverboy. But it just isn't going to happen. I see that.
I just wish I could call him when I have a nightmare. He used to be the one to sooth me through the rough night. Now I can't do that. I have to rearrange my whole life and on top of it ... rearrange without a major factor.
I know that the Miner isn't going to be the solution. I don't feel the love for him that I so desperately wish I did. It would be so easy. Move back, be a miner's wife and volunteer with the aids Committee. Sex all the time, master my mom's spaghetti sauce. Reconnect with the Family I left behind so long ago. Take care of a beautiful and sad man who needs me so much.
Oh well, at least I aint sick .. .right?
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