In Limbo....again

If I was a pacer. I would be pacing right now. Not because there is some terrible personal tragedy that I am working through. I didn't lose my job, my best friend doesn't have cancer ( knock on wood), no one has died and no one said a hurtful word to me.

Yet I feel this anxiety - or maybe it is just frustration.

I recently touched myself in a special place, Judy Blume style- if you know what I mean, and I actually moaned the name of the boy I was thinking of at the time. I became so shocked by my pure letting-go moment that I immediately disbanded activities and went to bed.

It's not that my fantasies haven't gotten away from me before - I recall one time I shouted out to no one at a bus shelter, imagining a conversation I saw coming in the future. The embarrassment tripled when I saw the startled woman behind me waiting in the shelter doors. At the time, I must have seemed to be the craziest girl she had seen in some days...She must of thought I totally had gone off the deep end.
I know this is not the same thing, but I almost had the same feeling of shock of letting-go. I am not a girl who readily shows her emotions. I pride myself, sadly, in the idea that people have no idea of who I actually am. I like the idea that people only get to know the real me when I see fit. I know this speaks to control issues, and I occasionally entertain the idea that I should be more open. Afterall, the person I shield from the minions of earth's army of darkness are actually the ones that are going be the ones that save me....

Back to the point, until that moment, I didn't really think I still carried any sort of torch for the Dreamweaver. I thought I had laid that pipe dream to waste, deciding that his current job was not a road I wanted to go back down, that he wasn't going to be my white horsemen in the night. He could be - he gets high and plays star wars on the xbox. Its not even the new xbox. My god - how gauche.

I now am lying to myself that all the boys aren't just a distraction. I want more. For the first time in a long time, I have come to the conclusion that I want a boyfriend.
There. I have said it.
And I mean it.

Now all I can do is stop waiting and go out and get him.
All I have to do is get off the pot, or at least try to get him off it long enough to see I am the girl to keep him warm through the cold Canadian winter.