Dream On.....Dream weaver

I find myself at a crossroads when I think about my life and where I am and where I want to be. I know I have two distinct paths to chose from - yet I stand here. I feel so naked inside. I am so afraid to make the wrong choice, that I choose not to choose. I know in my heart that it is the stupidest choice - yet I still keep on doing it... Doing nothing.

I don't know why I started down this path of none choicing. Where did it start -and more importantly why - but it has become the one true thing I ve come to regret. I feel it holding me down everyday. Standing on my chest - sometimes it is all I can do to just breathe.

I know it is dramatic to say such things - but if I don't truly see me for what I am, and not what I think I portray, then how can I grow? How can I make the choice to move at least one step, the hardest step of all.

I have been feeling myself evolving lately - preparing for my new way. Nearly on the cusp of that first step. I know that first step has got to be Dreamweaver - one way or another. I don't even know how it came to be that it will be him - but it has. I think it may have just been the time, or maybe fate, if such things really do exist at all.
We, to me, have a connection - that he can see me for what I am - and he isn't terrified. Like we have some unspoken understanding that we are who we are - and we are going to be o.k. with it. Regardless how odd it is for the both of us. Or at least this is what I hope he is feeling everytime he looks into my eyes.
Its not that I haven't been close to another person before. Loverboy being the glaring example of this, but I am different than I was then. It is a brand new day over here.

I know that there is a chance that he doesn't want to explore this life with me - that I am just a distraction from a fucked up world. That there is solace in something that seems to be so easy. That being our new friendship, and not much further in his mind. But I don't think I can go through the standing-by-and-feeling-this-way-thing again.

Besides - I know that he must have something going on when it comes to me... Thurs night was too great. I wanted to write magical - but my cynicism refuses such notions. At least today.

Something is happening - and I have to take my step - before the road closes up on me. And I know that can happen - it is just realizing the moment and taking a hold of it.

Luck to me.