My emotions had an echo in so much space

Tonight I paced around my apartment on the phone with a boy. It felt odd. I wasn't nervous, well not too nervous, no more than what I expect from a phone conversation. I tend to get nervous about things like phone conversations, text messages, phone messages and general MSN conversations. There are way too many opportunities for people to miscontrew words you say. These methods also do not translate sarcasm, humour or playfulness very well. Unless you add some dumbass "LOL" at the end of them.

I rely on facial expressions to say the words I don't say, can't say. In some ways, this has been a helpful tool in my life. I have very distinct faces for feelings I don't talk about- even for the safer feelings that I will talk about. Without these expressions, and other body language, you are missing the vital parts of me. The parts that matter.

Regardless - I paced on the phone. I know this boy ( DC - for those keeping track) will not love me. I don't think I could even bare to show my naked self to him. Sure the naked parts of my mind or soul, but definitely not the body.

He is too pretty, and I could not be comfortable with it. Shy and Nervous me would appear. She is great in some situations, but not at naked time. She fucks everything up by thinking herself into a coma.

I have an opportunity to spend the weekend in the woods with him. I will not be taking this opportunity. For a variety of reasons.

What will I do if I get one of my nervous, awkward moments that take over me. What if I am just weird. I need my solid to come with me. (I have referred to my solid in previous posts - you will know him best as "our mutual friend". I think he will now be known as "my solid" or "the solid" - really I could just call him Jerk. That is his real name. But I love him, and cannot shame him in such a manner - live in the blog.) The Solid is not available to come for the weekend with the rest of the Friday night crew. I just think it is best to wait for another opportunity. This will be the second time I have turned down a near "magical" moment with DC. I swear it was everyone working against me, if I didn't already know it is me working against me.

It just doesn't matter though, because I know I am setting my sights too high. I hate the idea that I have to settle for boys I don't want as much. I know you aren't supposed to settle and all that bullshit, but fuck, how long do I have to wait for my knight in shining armour? This fucking guy is getting to be so late. Dinner's getting cold.

I know there is a lot to put up with - when you love a girl like me. There is my refusal of public affection, my stubbornness, my stupid sense of pride - and that just scratches the surface. I just figured that someone would look past all my imperfections, and love me, for all my faults. You know - all the romantic bullshit of the Notebook, minus the cheesy montages and sentimentality shoved down your throat.

By the way, since when is Pride a Deadly Sin. Seriously, I thought taking pride in yourself and what you do is something to strive for. I am so screwed on this Deadly Sin thing alone. Seriously, religion will destroy us all.